She's 19 now and this problem has not gone away

[Usernamesarejustnotavailable]

I am at an absolute loss. Since her early teens my daughter's bedroom has been an absolute filthy mess. Clothes everywhere. Mountains of plates, cutlery, cups, glasses and food packaging under her bed. Makeup everywhere, including smeared on the carpet and on her mattress. Eaten chewing gum thrown behind her bed which has landed on the carpet. Stuff piled up on the windowsill and every other surface that exists. Wardrobe doors hanging open. No sheet on her mattress because she just kicks it off.

For a few years now I have just stopped going in there or trying to clean it. I can't cope when I walk in. Today she's at work so I went in and cleared out the rubbish from under the bed. That's all I could bear to tackle.

Over the years we've argued about it. We've also had mature conversations about it. I've offered to help as well as leaving her alone to do it herself. I'm really at an absolute loss. I just don't know what to do.

I'm even more concerned now because she keeps catching colds and bugs. More so than anyone else in the house and I wonder if it is because of her poor hygiene. Please advise me. I just don't know what to do.

My dd was the same for many many years. She is now 25, living at home again after uni and time abroad and I would say she is getting better than she was. Still everything you describe (apart from the chewing gum but can I replace that with used sanitary products? 😱) but she has improved with the amount of junk, stuff on the floor, etc.

I take it she has plenty of storage boxes, a laundry bag, things like that to help her with organisation? Also, keep nagging about the dirty dishes and food scraps as that is so unhygienic.

Does she have a bin in there?

My DD is very messy and gets easily overwhelmed with too much mess (same as me).

If you tell her to tidy it, she won’t know where to start.

Focus on small bits.
Tell her to just put her rubbish in a bin/bag and anytime it’s full to tie it up and leave it outside the door.
Same with dishes - tell her to just put them outside the door of her room.

This is how I started with my DD and at least that was 2 big problems out of the way.
Remind her everyday to put dishes outside of the door and rubbish in the bag.
I then eventually got my DD to bring her dishes and rubbish down but don’t rush it.

I would make sure she has a laundry basket and tell her to shove all the clothes on the floor into there and teach her about putting work clothes that aren’t ready for a wash on the chair.

My DD would get overwhelmed and so I clean it for her top to bottom and then kept on at her to keep it clean, rather than asking her to clean it from its worst state.

I was like that when I was a child and early teen but I'd got over it by the time I was about 15. I tidied up because I wanted to have friends over and didn't want them to see a mess, I'm surprised that doesn't concern her, as you say I would have been mortified.

I doubt it's the reason for her getting ill though. She will get bugs frequently because she's at uni and at work, mixing with a lot of people. I had regular illnesses when I was 18 and into my 20s because I was using public transport and at uni.

I second the question about ADHD. I was like this as a child/teen. I didn't want to live in mess it just seemed unsurmountable.

It wasn't until my 20s that I got it together and i've lost it again in my 40s as perimenopause is unmasking ADHD.

To support could you consider body doubling whilst she tidies? Sit with her and chat about life the universe and anything, or just do admin or whatever works. Sometimes just having someone there can help you get over the hurdle (just don't do it for her....)

Even if this situation can be attributed to her mental health, it’s still important to maintain basic hygiene standards or she’ll really make herself ill at some point.

Rubbish, old food, etc. should at least be picked up once a week.

@EverardDeTroyes Used sanitary products. 😱 That’s intolerable, a real health hazard. She can at least put those into a bin bag.

This is the obvious answer, not medicalising it. Nobody likes cleaning.

We live in a flat with a bit of mould and damp going on, so all doors are open, our daughter's bedroom is used as a study in the day, so it is a shared space in the day, naturally her daily activities are in the living room so she never got the habit of hiding away in her bedroom and do stuff which we don't approve of. From a tiny age I have been banging on about manners, eating at the table, throwing your rubbish in the trashcan and dirty clothes in the washing basket. It worked and still works

I was this kid and am still this way in my 30s to be honest, I am wondering about ADHD. It's not deliberate, I really struggle and have it together in many other aspects of life. These days I can shove untidiness into one room so guests don't know. Can you offer to start jointly but, and if ADHD leaning could be key, make it manageable chunks or tasks. The only way I can do it is to literally break the untidiness into tiny sections. Like ok all I will do is look at clothing items only for now. Or I'll do this for 30 min then another task. Otherwise I get really overloaded fast. I don't enjoy being this way and it's taken years to find ways that work for my brain. Still a work in progress. The one hard line I have though is keeping on top off food related bits / actual could-grow-mould-or-fester rubbish, and keeping dirty laundry separate...could even just those two be discussed as standalone for now without seeing entire task as something to get on top of? So untidiness may remain but biohazards dealt with as a bare minimum

19 yr old DD is the same.

I love the "stop her taking food upstairs" replies. Absolutely no understanding at all!

I stopped fighting with her about it when she was 15. There had been years of disharmony/cajoling/carrots/sticks over it, and our relationship needed me to be the adult and accept it wasn't going to change. So we agreed she'd keep her mess behind her bedroom door, and do a crockery clear out when I asked for it.

Her smaller uni room is well ordered and tidy.

She is happy living in her mess and can find what she needs when she needs it.

And that's my priority. Her happiness.

I'm hoping she'll have a lightbulb moment in her 20s and start to see it.

Solidarity to you OP.

(If it's any consolation, my friend describes her DD as the same. Her DD leaves used sanitary towels under her bed. Friend was mortified when the family dog appeared in the living room to say hello to guests one day with one of the used sanitary towels stuck in her fur. I always think, at least it's never got that bad)

This is mine except her desk which is immaculate. She is autistic and ADHD. ADHD and autism present differently in girls.

You can’t flog a dead horse your options are

1. a shit tip tax - you shut the door and she gives you £40 a week for a cleaner to help towards the rest of the house or you going to a spa once a month
2. ignore and no consequences
3. insist it is tidy else she moves out and mean it - black sacks etc
4. meanwhile encourage her to have friends over and go to her room - that’s the only time mine tidies her room

you are wasting your breath and energy here

I dont want you to think she just leaves them on the floor. She wraps used towels in their plastic wrapper and puts them in her waste paper bin. So not as bad as it could be, but yes, I am disgusted by it, especially as there is a bin in the bathroom (which she also uses but why not use just that?)

Was coming to suggest this too. My sibling was exactly this, and has been diagnosed with ADHD and Autism as an adult.

ADHD? Chris Packham did a couple of programs about 9 months ago about neurodivergence. One of them was about a lovely young man who has left home
But was ashamed to let people into his flat due the horrendous mess.

Girls are very good at hiding ADHD, especially if they are very bright. I didn't realize DD2 had it until she was 20 and living away from home.

I had a similar thing but my daughter was much younger and she grew out of it

i have a rule about no food upstairs and I used to go potty because it was always happening no matter what i aaid

eventually she got diagnosed with adhd and I was told to put a big sign on the door as people with adhd don’t tend to absorb information like a normal al person. So me telling her didn’t go in as such

it made a huge difference and gradually she became super tidy. She’s 13 now and good.

I was like this although not the food and my parents had a no food upstairs rule and I now have the same rule. Nobody needs to take food upstairs.

As an adult I have grown out of it!

I was a bit like this as a teenager. I've since been diagnosed as autistic.

As an adult, my space is immaculate. I think as a teen, I found it all way too overwhelming and just didn't have the mental energy or ability to sit down and organise it all. But when I moved out into my own, new, clean space, I developed my own routine and have managed to keep everything just fine.

This describes me, but I'm in my late 40s now. Cannot get help with ADHD despite first approaching the NHS age 20. I am totally overwhelmed by housework and clutter and can't get help. Apparently I will grow out of it.

I have the same syndrome.

Once I got my own place, the symptoms improved quite a bit but I still get flare ups.

Black rice - sprinkle some under her bed and tell her they’re mouse droppings. Worked for a friend of mine with a slovenly teen.

And I’d be getting her to scrub the grubby carpets and everything else until she realises it’s more trouble than it’s worth!!

Growing up with parents, mess just wasn't tolerated. House was regularly cleaned and stuff always had to be in its place. My room included. I was taught to do chores (age appropriate) since I was about 4.

During teenage years, I was told that anything found out of place - strewn on the floor, etc - will be binned. And it was followed up. Some of my favourite clothes ended up binned. It was never ever strewn on the floor after that.

I did the same with my teen and her room is spotless just like the rest of the house.

At 19 it's too late. I'd tell her to clean it or move out. And I'd definitely follow up. She's an adult.

There are professional declutterers who help overwhelmed adults with this sort of thing. My friend is one. The mantra is that everything needs a place I.e. you need enough storage containers, and the space has to work for your lifestyle. And less stuff.

Laundry basket in an accessible part of the room where clothes actually get taken off. A storage place for clothes that are to be worn again. Rotate summer/winter wardrobe so not everything is out. No food. One stainless steel water bottle with nozzle and two or three dedicated mugs. One on those opening draw string make up bags that scoops it all up.
Washable rugs over the carpet. Bins. Containers. If wardrobe doors are left open, don't have them. Have sliding ones. Or open wardrobes. Easy fit sheets that hug the bed and are correct size. Also have a look at Clutter Bug - has lots of helpful advice.

Yes the colds etc are possibly related to the mess - I saw a story from someone online who had been on Hoarders as a child due to their mother's hoarding behaviour. She said she got ill constantly living at home, and it stopped when she moved out.

It could be because bacteria festers there or it could be exposure to mould, dust etc which is causing her immune system to be run down.

If there is potential mould it could be causing permanent damage to the walls/floors. So you could approach it from that angle if you wanted to be neutral rather than it coming across as critical?

I agree the posters suggesting looking at ADHD - my teenage bedroom was just like this and so were my first houses when I moved out. It drove my ex mad and DH struggled with it too, though he was kinder and tended to chip in to help tidy up instead of just arguing about it.

I have now found my way to keep on top of things more and I take medication which helps as well.

We’ve had the rule of no food in bedrooms from early on. I’m not going to lie, I have found lolly wrappers, crisp bags and gum in various places, but this has been tackled. Their rooms are a state and they’ve only got themselves to blame. Both girls too. A pink Hetty sits outside their bedroom looking wistful at not being used.
At 19, I’d expect them to have owned it.

My 18 year old DD is precisely the same. As is her dad (despite 25 years of me nagging him!). I just shut the door on her room and his study and forget about it. No mental health problems for either DD or DH - both just congenitally untidy!

My son is the same age and has been like it since being very young. It’s so hard and I feel for you. Ours was damage as well as disgusting, cartons of wee (once knocked over by him and was not told so you can imagine the smell) old milk bottles not washed out, toys split in two with liquid inside spilled onto the carpet, baby bell wax wrappers tread into the carpet etc. When we moved house I found bugs in his bed frame so couldn’t bring anything to the new house at all. Like you, I went in and cleaned with him over the years, banned food (didn’t work) talked to him about the importance of it not being damaged or dirty again. My Mum helped me decorate more than once to freshen it up, bought bins, wash baskets etc to try and help (you always think it’s your fault don’t you?) when people talk about consequences it’s really hard because threats of consequences eventually have to be followed through if things don’t change don’t they? So, in our case he didn’t change and even though I had said he would need to go and stay with his Dad if things didn’t improve he continued to make his room a health hazard. When I asked for advice on whether to ask him to leave I was called a lot of things, told he’s still a child and that I should be ashamed. So I feel for you because I don’t think there’s an answer that’s right.