She's 19 now and this problem has not gone away

[Usernamesarejustnotavailable]

I am at an absolute loss. Since her early teens my daughter's bedroom has been an absolute filthy mess. Clothes everywhere. Mountains of plates, cutlery, cups, glasses and food packaging under her bed. Makeup everywhere, including smeared on the carpet and on her mattress. Eaten chewing gum thrown behind her bed which has landed on the carpet. Stuff piled up on the windowsill and every other surface that exists. Wardrobe doors hanging open. No sheet on her mattress because she just kicks it off.

For a few years now I have just stopped going in there or trying to clean it. I can't cope when I walk in. Today she's at work so I went in and cleared out the rubbish from under the bed. That's all I could bear to tackle.

Over the years we've argued about it. We've also had mature conversations about it. I've offered to help as well as leaving her alone to do it herself. I'm really at an absolute loss. I just don't know what to do.

I'm even more concerned now because she keeps catching colds and bugs. More so than anyone else in the house and I wonder if it is because of her poor hygiene. Please advise me. I just don't know what to do.

It’s honestly killing me inside because by now she has to be uncomfortable and freezing but a duvet is easily like £20 in a supermarket, she could just get one herself.

She does spend money on other things, it’s just home stuff that she refuses to.

@PanicPanicc Interesting that she spends money on other things but expects you to replace a perfectly good duvet!

Unfortunately, that’s part of being an adult. You get rid of something, you replace it. None of us particularly like spending our money on boring household items but as adults, we have to as no one else is going to provide them!

She's 19 not 5. Stop making excuses for a lazy, dirty, gross young adult. Tell her to get off her lazy arse and clean her room, turn the wifi off, stop cleaning, cooking, funding her until it's done.

My son is like this. He is massively depressed, won't admit it, is hugely defensive, gets angry/crying. We gently suggested that he could get a new bed, a proper gaming setup etc. That set him off for a day. He works, has friends (saving for a deposit) but God, his room needs a flamethrower.

Trouble is don't you think they'll never learn if you do this ? The times I did this and it just goes straight back like it. The bank holidays I wasted tidying and cleaning x

Trouble is don't you think they'll never learn if you do this ? The times I did this and it just goes straight back like it. The bank holidays I wasted tidying and cleaning x

My Mum got so sick of my messy room, she just took to tidying/cleaning it herself. I remember at uni my Mum discussing my messiness with my bf and he managed to make her understand the difference between messy and dirty and though my room was messy it was rarely actually dirty. You could stop allowing food upstairs which may take care if the plates. Does she have her own bin and laundry basket in her room, does she do her own washing? I found that having my own bin made me more likely to use it and having my own laundry basket and doing my own laundry, I liked having clean clothes, so if I didn't do it, it didn't get done.

This!

What are the consequences of her behaviour? If she’s under your roof, you still have some control over her even as an adult. My sons (16 and 20) have on occasion had disgusting bedrooms with plates and crisp packets everywhere. The solution looks like this…

“Mum, can I have a lift to…?”
“Mum, can you add some Dr Pepper to the shopping?”
“Mum, can I go camping with my mates?”
“Mum, will you help me get those concert tickets?”

Me: “Sure, AFTER you’ve brought down those plates and run the hoover round your room.”

That sounds incredibly stressful for you. At 19 she does need to take responsibility, but you shouldn’t have to live with that level of mess in your house. I’d set some really clear boundaries about basic hygiene/cleaning and stick to them.

Whether it's ashd or a MH issue she needs help with it. I suggest you do as PP suggest set aside a day and clean with her. She might feel overwhelmed at such a big task. When it's done you could help her organise things in a way that's easy for her to maintain..maybe a visual schedule on the wall with checklists to keep on top of it. Some people find labelling the outside of each drawer or door to be helpful. Or better still a photo of what is inside so she knows what it should look like and just follows the photo to reorder things.

If she refuses to do this it might be time for tough love. Tell her you will do it without her on a particular date and if this happens remove every single thing from the room, pay for a cleaner and ideally make her pay for it before she gets her stuff back. I wouldn't throw anything out though as that might be too distressing for her. She will probably be furious but if you reorganise for her she hopefully will see it as an attempt to help not a punishment.

Yes, depression was my first thought.

Someone else mentioned this, so to reinforce, living in squalor can be a symptom of depression. Find her a psychiatrist, someone who can write a prescription for medication. She needs help.

I was that teenager. Moving out helped trenendously.

However, at the grand age of 37, i would still let it get that way sometimes. Life gets on top of me and I prioritise everything else. When I'm busy, i just don't see the mess.

Obviously with a toddler around I can't let it get bad and luckily my nanny is fantastic at tidying up (she loves cleaning, who am i to stop her) so I manage well. But keeping a tidy place is not second nature to me at all.

Look into ADHD x

I can't believe, well actually i can, this is MN after all. That some posters are advising the OP to throw a teenager out over a messy room.

The colds etc won't be anything to do with the filthy room, so you don't need to worry about that. She's 19 and working. Does she pay you rent? Does her filthy room affect your life (apart from it bothering you)? If not, just leave her to it.

@Usernamesarejustnotavailable my DD is a similar age. She recently been diagnosed with ADHD and her room was one of the things that made us go down that route. Way more than a normal messy teenager.

My daughter is the same, but it doesn't build up, she has very bad anxiety, asd, but functions better in a tidy environment. She leaves at 6.40.
I pop in for 10 minutes every morning, I do a big clean weekly when she's in school.
When she is off for Easter or any long break, it's worse, she gets depressed around it.
She is incapable of putting things away.
I'm not sure how she'll function as a grown up.
I do not moan about it to her face or comment when I come across gross things in her room, using a drawer for bin, cutting hair hiding it in pencil case etc. Argh.
She's 16, she is definitely improving, she has 2 bins and a washing basket, that she now uses.

I also labelled her drawers, t-shirts, joggers, hoodies etc saves her dragging out everything looking for a top.

If it's any consolation I have a niece and a daughter both in their 20s, (both very much moved out of home - one is married) and their own rooms/areas are still indescribable, even though the rest of the house is tidy.

It's an individual thing.

I tidied up my act when I left home and had a very small rented room that had to be tidy or I had no space to study/sleep! My default setting (I'm fairly old, own house) is to have it neat and interesting then ignore the dust gathering until I blitz it every couple of months, or have people over who might not enjoy the Miss Haversham look.

Some people say it goes with ADHD.

You should have implemented consequences for this behaviour, shed soon of shaped up, this is your own doing iam afraid

Read Scattered Minds by Gabor Mate
He describes this mess.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Scattered-Minds-Origins-Attention-Disorder/dp/1785042211

DD doesn't respond to that at all.

"Fair enough, I'll get myself there"
"I'll stick with water then"
"It'll probably rain, so you're doing me a favour"
"I'll ask my friend then"

@Globules What I picked up on in your post is that “ Her smaller uni room is well ordered and tidy.”

If your DD can be tidy at uni, why not in your house? It’s a lack of respect for you and your house, which isn’t very nice. 😕