She's 19 now and this problem has not gone away

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I am at an absolute loss. Since her early teens my daughter's bedroom has been an absolute filthy mess. Clothes everywhere. Mountains of plates, cutlery, cups, glasses and food packaging under her bed. Makeup everywhere, including smeared on the carpet and on her mattress. Eaten chewing gum thrown behind her bed which has landed on the carpet. Stuff piled up on the windowsill and every other surface that exists. Wardrobe doors hanging open. No sheet on her mattress because she just kicks it off.

For a few years now I have just stopped going in there or trying to clean it. I can't cope when I walk in. Today she's at work so I went in and cleared out the rubbish from under the bed. That's all I could bear to tackle.

Over the years we've argued about it. We've also had mature conversations about it. I've offered to help as well as leaving her alone to do it herself. I'm really at an absolute loss. I just don't know what to do.

I'm even more concerned now because she keeps catching colds and bugs. More so than anyone else in the house and I wonder if it is because of her poor hygiene. Please advise me. I just don't know what to do.

If she's 19 and working, increase her rent and employ cleaner - stage 1 deep clean, then weekly clean after that.

My daughter’s room is like this (or has been- it’s currently not too bad which is very unusual). I have never managed to find a strategy to help her keep on top of it so I end up just never looking at it (but still asking intermittently for rubbish to be removed, dirty washing to be brought downstairs etc).

She has got ADHD (diagnosed aged 18). She is now 20. She has shown signs in the last 6 months or so of getting better at organisation generally, and like I said she has just recently tidied her room. Here’s hoping it sticks this time- I’m encouraged to read that others seem to have resolved this in their early 20s.

Ultimately we are ALL A culmination of our habits. Change your habits and maintain for a month, you'll see a difference.

We all make choices every day. We're not slaves to our predisposition.

i have a 20 year old who is exactly the same, she lives like a hobo. also on the point of being unwell mines the same always a sniffle or a cough at the very least . i feel your pain

In terms of strategies. Clearly just telling her to tidy or threats won’t work.

You could try body doubling. So you work along side her to help.

Or you set a timer for say 15 minutes and you both see how much you can blitz it. If she’s happy to do that alone that could help. Just see what she can do in 15 minutes.

Well ours are not allowed any food upstairs so you could prevent a lot of the mess by implementing that rule

How do you suppose a parent disciplines a 19 year old? Or stops them from taking food into their room in the first place?

Nothing you do will change this. The only thing you can do is go completely scorched earth - clear everything into bin bags, and tell her she's responsible for her own washing, her own cleaning, but you will go in and binbag anything left when and if you deem it a health hazard.

Or

Supervise her cleaning for a couple of hours when you have time. Honestly I do this with one of my sons who just cannot focus enough to clean and tidy up. He's a filthbag but at least he doesn't have food in his room.

Ignore them @ImisstheQueen They’re probably the type to tell someone with depression to just cheer up. Great that you’re moving forward

If tou do wash her bedding, to try and help her get sorted, I would wash it at 60 degrees to kill off any germs. It should smell a bit fresher too!

My DSs room was appalling at that age. I used to go spare all the time. I think the turning point was when he had a friend over and I said I only had enough crockery and silverwear for two people so he wouldn't get dinner. He brought it all down and washed it all up. We always ate at the table but he's take snacks and water glasses upstairs. As he got older something clicked.

But I wished I'd been firmer. No food or drink upstairs at all. Then they would have been no wrappers etc.

It's not asking for much that they respect the environment you are paying for.

Like your DD he was a really good kid. He just didn't seem to mind/notice the mess.

DD1 is autistic and has some processing differences, and her room is incredibly messy. She takes care of her appearance but is completely overwhelmed by her environment. She'd probably benefit from a very austere 'white cube' kind of living space but she also loves her stuff. I don't interfere with her space, just routinely remind her to put out laundry and dishes. I bought her a large swing bin, as the previous bin had a lid and there were just too many processes involved in lifting the lid, putting the rubbish in and replacing the lid. So she'd just dump stuff in a pile next to the bin 'for later'. The problem with the swing bin is that, because it is so easy to deposit stuff into it, she literally chucks anything and everything into it when she's feeling overwhelmed with trying to tidy up; recently I changed the binliner to find an entire wooden drawer from a chest of drawers full of bits and pieces, two school shirts, a bowl of pasta and a roll of wrapping paper among other things. I now give the contents of her bin a cursory check-over before putting it out.

I'm in the process of sorting out the room DD1 (19) and DD2 (14) share, which sounds like your DD's room.

I think they don't see the mess, but also it's overwhelming.

Last week I totally lost it and just shoved all the clothes, trash, make up into black bin liners so I could actually see the floor.

Now, we're doing a bag a day - two piles - keep or throw away, but they have to give me a reason why they want to keep.

I've also thrown out quite a bit of clothes and so far they haven't noticed

I was that teenager. I was just a lazy messy bitch.

Some people are just a bit like this. That doesn't make them any easier though.

I knew somebody from childhood who is now a borderline hoarding adult, who has to have cleaners come in twice a week, and her house is still quite gross.

People blame it on her being a doctor who has 'better things to think about', but I remember being with a bunch of other girls in her room when we were 14, and another friend politely folding up all the dirty knickers she had left on the floor and leaving them in a passive aggressive pile next to the laundry basket!😂

My mum, bless her sainted soul, used to set a kitchen timer on a Saturday. In 1 hour, she would be up with bin bags and God help anything you didn’t want thrown away.

There is messy, and let’s face it how many teens don’t have a floordrobe, damp towels and leaky toiletries. Decaying food and mouldy cups are a hard no.

My 18 yr old son’s bedroom is vile. I don’t think I would be able to step inside it if I wasn’t wearing a hazmat suit! I make him tidy it once a month as it gets a clean from our cleaner. I honestly don’t think he sees the mess. - it’s baffling. He would
never bring down the dirty dishes unless I ask him to. Drives me bonkers! He went travelling a while ago and I gave it a good sort out but it was back to its usual state within a few days of him returning.

I was that teenager. Aged 51 I finally discovered I have ADHD.

Hand her a roll of bin bags and tell her she can either clean up or pack her stuff and move out.

As a teen, living at home, I had to bottom my room every Sunday. Even pulling the free standing wardrobes etc away from the wall to dust and hoover behind. No food allowed upstairs. It was routine. I had no choice. Ned made every morning.
I'd help her gut it - make it lovely-then be very firm in starting a daily schedule. She may need a visual chart to follow, with jobs allocated to particular days.
Increase her rent to pay for a cleaner if she doesn't improve. Hitting her purse might do the trick.

Mine is 8 so appreciate very different but it really overwhelms him. He is ND so appreciates a body double. We have recently really paired down eveything he has so it's much easier for him to tidy. We try to make it fun put music on and once he gets going he gets motivated and gets that dopamine hit soon after a few things are tidied.

I appreciate yours is older and maybe you've already done all these things but I'd try and support before suggesting they move out. I think many of us have been in this place at some point as a teenager. It can be overwhelming. I still feel like I'm shovelling snow in a snowstorm as a adult!

My DD is the same. I am sure (for various reasons) that she has inattentive ADHD. However, I have long given up saying anything. I used to clean it for her when I worked part time but now I work full time in a full on job, it is not my circus and definitely not my monkeys. She lets her friends in there and her boyfriend 🤷 Shut the door. Think no more about it as long as rodents don't appear.

Do you ever really tell her off about it? By that I mean shouting at her, telling her how disgusting the room is and how disappointed you are by her revolting, slovenly ways. It’s completely unacceptable. She needs to move out if she can’t respect your home.

My DC are now independent adults and I would NEVER have let them get away with this (and yes, one of them is ND but was always capable of following basic hygiene and tidiness with my guidance)

Mine is similar and has ADHD. She gets overwhelmed with the mess and can’t think, so just checks out mentally. The only thing that works is having minimal stuff - and plenty of storage. This ensures there are few things to put away and more than enough space to put them in. Bit of minimalistic living will help her keep on top of things.

. I wouldn’t have a room left like that in my house so I’d be giving her a time that I expect her to be there to clean it with me and then I’d expect it to be kept clean from then on and I’d be checking

One of my daughters was like this. I remember going in and spending the day in there once when she was on a school trip it took ages and was a pit - sweet wrappers everywhere, piles of dirty clothes and odd shoes (?).
I eventually gave up cleaning it and left her to it. She always had a busy life so I just don’t think it was a priority for her.
She is now 30 and married. She has her own house which is immaculate. It’s hard to believe she is the same person.

So OP do not give up hope. If she is respectful in all other ways I’d let her be and hope she grows out of it.

Oh my god - does every single messy child have ADHD as an excuse? Just tell them to tidy up - you are their parent - they are the child - there is no excuse to be this disgusting.