She's 19 now and this problem has not gone away

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I am at an absolute loss. Since her early teens my daughter's bedroom has been an absolute filthy mess. Clothes everywhere. Mountains of plates, cutlery, cups, glasses and food packaging under her bed. Makeup everywhere, including smeared on the carpet and on her mattress. Eaten chewing gum thrown behind her bed which has landed on the carpet. Stuff piled up on the windowsill and every other surface that exists. Wardrobe doors hanging open. No sheet on her mattress because she just kicks it off.

For a few years now I have just stopped going in there or trying to clean it. I can't cope when I walk in. Today she's at work so I went in and cleared out the rubbish from under the bed. That's all I could bear to tackle.

Over the years we've argued about it. We've also had mature conversations about it. I've offered to help as well as leaving her alone to do it herself. I'm really at an absolute loss. I just don't know what to do.

I'm even more concerned now because she keeps catching colds and bugs. More so than anyone else in the house and I wonder if it is because of her poor hygiene. Please advise me. I just don't know what to do.

Well ours are not allowed any food upstairs so you could prevent a lot of the mess by implementing that rule.

Close the door on the rest of it and let her fester. I assume she doesn't have a boyfriend! Maybe she'll up her game when she does.

Stop allowing food upstairs for a start.
Tell her she needs to keep it clean or move out, she’s an adult.

I was that teenager OP, sorry you're going through this, I cringe at what my poor mam had to put up with.

For me I was in the midst of fighting depression and that was reflected in my absolutely awful bedroom. How is she doing? Do you think depression might be a factor? I can't explain it to you really but you just sort of go blind to the mess and stop caring about it. Mine was atrocious, worse than your daughter's sounds honestly, and I understand it can be so hard to be sympathetic when it's affecting your home.

I didn't actually sort my pit out until I was early 20's because despite the fact that I was treating the depression the actual act of cleaning up it's physical manifestation seemed completely insurmountable. It took three weeks to actually sort it. But I'm now fastidiously clean and tidy so it had a positive effect eventually!

Poor personal hygiene plus a room that's a hazmat site - I'd be considering the strong possibility that your daughter is suffering from depression, OP. She may be able to hold it together to function, more or less, outside the house, but can't when she's home.

Please encourage her to see a MH professional.

You should also don a mask and gloves and do a massive cleanup of her room, including getting the carpet and mattress steam cleaned.

How would you stop a teen taking food upstairs?
If she's anything like mine it's ASD. I've only been able to tidy it when tradesmen have had to replace a radiator / electrics, she was much happier when it was fresh and tidy. It's not been possible to maintain it though.

Mental health is something that I've thought about over the years. She struggled during her early teens (COVID kid) and missed out on those real formative years. She seems like a happy girl now though. She has a part time job. She goes to university (a really good one). She has friends and a very busy social life. She's also very homely and likes downtime with us as well.

The years that she struggled with her MH I let it slide but now she seems to be in a happier place. That's what I find upsetting that she seems better but the mess is worse.

I feel like she just doesn't see the mess. She'll invite friends over and take them upstairs. I feel second hand mortification. Even when we have calm conversations about it, it's like she doesn't understand what the issue is.

This sounds so familiar. It's so encouraging to hear that the lightbulb moment arrived eventually. I just wonder when it'll happen here. I'm really pleased that you're in a better place now. Did you recognise the depression when you were in it?

I’d set aside a day to deep clean her room WITH her. She’ll appreciate the difference and perhaps doing the work with you will make her realize how disgusting it has become.

If it’s caused by depression, that’s a different issue, but having a clean room will certainly be positive for her.

I too was that teenager.

Does she know how? Does she have too much stuff? Have you taught her how to part with 'stuff'? Many people are totally overwhelmed by clearing up and getting rid of things. I grew up in a house which was on its way to becoming a hoarders house and am trying to teach my own dc to donate, recycle or throw away unused and unwanted stuff. Still not there with dd who is 13 but ds who is older had just voluntarily got a bin bag to tidy his room.. .first time I think this has occurred without prompting.

My DD is a similar age, also at a great university with lots of friends, very active in sport and a great social life, loving university and her room leaves a lot to be desired. She has a boyfriend but meets him elsewhere so that didn't change anything. She does work a lot and do a lot of activities when she's home in the holidays and I think its partly tiredness.

Things that have helped are if I order a special collection from the council for rubbish I will ask her how many sacks she needs. That also gives her a deadline. This often gets 9 or so sacks out. And then it starts again. We've had a cleaner in a couple of times, she will moan, but is then grateful. Plates etc we always ask her pre university return as a minimum and more often if we have a shortage.

My sister was like that until she was about 20. No idea why she changed but she did.

I feel you OP - I also have a 19 year old DD whose room is a pigsty, plus she's just had flu for the second time in a month, and is very prone to getting ill. Our current plan is to inform her that her room needs redecorating (which it definitely does), so she has to move into her brother's room while he's at uni, and clear out all the crap. I'm hoping that by making a fresh start we can ensure she keeps on top of it.
We will also be strongly pushing the link between health and cleanliness!

You need a contract. Failure to uphold her side must have penalties.

Could she have high functioning ADHD

I was like this until about 25, and I can still be a bit messy natured now but nothing like before.
It wasnt depression or autism, just scruffy cow syndrome.

Was about to say this.

This is my daughter.... i dont know what to do anymore.

Shes going travelling next year so im going to completrly clear it out/redecorate then......

My mum would go in with bin bags and just bin all my stuff I left lying around
I went to uni and still lived in a mess
Bought a house and massively struggled keeping it clean and tidy
I've never been able to get on top of the mess and clutter
I have lots of rotas and plans for different jobs on different days .
Not that your daughter is.......but I got diagnosed with autism a while back and waiting for ADHD asessment soon.
It helped me understand why I couldn't do it

It's difficult when they're kids, but she is an adult now. In order to live in your home, she needs to respect it. If she was renting a home she would lose her deposit over making that kind of mess.

Does she pay anything to live with you? Take a small amount (up to you whether you save it to give it back to her later) and the rules are she keeps her room clean and mucks in with the household chores too. Or she will need to find somewhere else to live.

My eldest daughter was like this. Then she went to uni and suddenly her room was immaculate. After uni she returned home and went back to her old ways…she’s moved out properly now and back to having a lovely room. I think it’s down to the fact that not many people went in her room here and also that she did struggle mentally before uni (covid times and friendships) and after uni (looking for a graduate job). When she’s happier in life her room shows it x

My DD is 22 and the same. Just don’t go into her room, and insist she brings down dirty plates every few days. She is at Uni. The cleaner does a deep clean after each time she is home. I think if she lived her I’d say the cleaner would be coming in weekly to empty bin and take dishes, and everything else was her problem.

My room was the same. My mum actually put random grains of brown rice in places.... I was convinced I had mice.and got to work making it spotless 😂

No, I was quite heavily in denial and convinced I didn't need anybody to help me. I would get very angry and hostile with my mam when she brought up my room because it was the mirror I didn't want to look in - it led to a lot of tension in our relationship.

I didn't want her to help me do it because I was so ashamed of how bad it was, I wanted to do it alone but didn't have the mental energy to do so, so we just went round and round in circles. It was a really crap situation.

I was getting help for my depression and on the path to an ADHD diagnosis, but felt I just couldn't overcome that one thing. Funnily enough it was meeting my husband that made me finally pull the trigger on it, I wanted somewhere nice to bring my new boyfriend! I was a lot healthier mentally by then so I had the gumption to finally tackle it, and was starting to not be able to ignore it anymore as I had before.

Mam and I are very good friends now I'm in my 30's and past all that, we're able to talk about it with humour now so I'm sending all the hopeful and positive vibes that you and your daughter will get through it too 💐

Put some grains of wild rice on the floor and tell her it’s mouse droppings.