She's 19 now and this problem has not gone away

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I am at an absolute loss. Since her early teens my daughter's bedroom has been an absolute filthy mess. Clothes everywhere. Mountains of plates, cutlery, cups, glasses and food packaging under her bed. Makeup everywhere, including smeared on the carpet and on her mattress. Eaten chewing gum thrown behind her bed which has landed on the carpet. Stuff piled up on the windowsill and every other surface that exists. Wardrobe doors hanging open. No sheet on her mattress because she just kicks it off.

For a few years now I have just stopped going in there or trying to clean it. I can't cope when I walk in. Today she's at work so I went in and cleared out the rubbish from under the bed. That's all I could bear to tackle.

Over the years we've argued about it. We've also had mature conversations about it. I've offered to help as well as leaving her alone to do it herself. I'm really at an absolute loss. I just don't know what to do.

I'm even more concerned now because she keeps catching colds and bugs. More so than anyone else in the house and I wonder if it is because of her poor hygiene. Please advise me. I just don't know what to do.

I was messy at that age and messy now, probably ND.

You don't need to worry about colds though, they're a virus so she won't catch one from her messy room.

I'm surprised there aren't vermin. If there aren't I'd tell a white lie and say I saw a rodent running out from under her bed or something. Another poster said plant fake mouse droppings. Not a bad idea!

And that if she doesn't agree to take a day (with your help to an extent) to fully deep clean her room, you'll make her pay for a professional exterminator and declutterer. Through witholding of portion of allowance or Xmas/bday gifts if she has no income.

Then I guess bribery to make her keep it reasonable. Though ultimately it's her space, if it gets really bad it could actually damage the structure or at least superficial things about the house or cause illness/infestation. Which isn't on.

You'd think once she has sexual partners who might visit she'd be trying to make it a bit more decent?!

I also think look for adhd as this level of mess is a trait.

Tbh I think its a bit late in the day if these habits have been allowed to become fixed, its basically how she lives now. I'd focus on basic hygiene, so I'd ask her every day to bring down any uneaten food and used crockery/glasses. I'd ask her at a set time and stand there while she did it. This should at least mean no bad smells (assuming she is clean in her person and her clothes are washed) and no vermin. The rest I'd leave.

I was like that, moved out and grew up and that sorted it.

I was like that too. It was severe undiagnosed ADHD

My DD is like this too but I try to kerp in top of it first her. I empty the bin at least once a week and change her bedding for her whilst she’s at work.

If she’s out and I’m home I’ll also take out any dishes, open the window for a bit and do a load of laundry.

Occassionally I’ll go in and give it a proper clean and leave her sone fresh flowers. She does like it clean but has problems with executive function and would rather not spend my time feeling resentful over the mess or chastising her for not doing a task that she finds so difficult. Had too much criticism and not enough understand from my own DM.

Why is your daughter’s bedroom used as a study instead of having the study/shared space in the front room or your bedroom?

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I’m messy.

i’m 99% sure I’ve got adhd. I just can’t get through cleaning it all because I get distracted. I don’t let things fester though

Tell her once a week you will go in and remove everything that’s left out. Make up, clothes etc (as well as rubbish and plates) will be binned. And stick to it. She’ll learn then.

Its usually signs of ND or MH.

Try looking up 'clutterbug' she a woman with ADHD who has designed organizational tips based on 4 different categories that cover the whole spectrum of issue broken down (Macro visual, Macro hidden, Micro visual, Micro hidden).

People can only change if they want to but implementing diverse strategies makes it accessible to all.

Cas (Clutterbug) suggests the 'Butterfly' (Macro visual) as the base if you have a combination or don't know as this is the basic level that almost everyone can handle. This means things like getting rid of wardrobes/doors and draws and replacing them with clothes hamper, cube system, hooks or shelves and also putting bins/baskets where ever clutter/rubbish naturally gathers. As she says 'make it easier to put away than to put down'. If you always drop your clothes on the floor put a hook so you hang it instead or a hamper to catch it, contained items instantly look tidier as they dont spill everywhere.

As per my above answer you really should have a look on Clutterbug. She has ADHD herself so a lot is geared towards tips for people with ADHD mindset as thats naturally how she thinks.

I have executive dysfunction and its changed my life.

I was sometimes this teenager (although not quite as messy as the throwing chewing gum, smearing make-up examples).
I don't discount the "is she depressed" responses, but, for me, it was simple. I had a low clutter threshold. I simply couldn't manage a large amount of stuff. Anything that was difficult to put away (and difficult could simply mean something not that difficult, like having to pull out a box from underneath the bed, having to fold things in a certain way to make a drawer close). Really, I needed more space (impossible, as I was in the box room) and far far less stuff.
My mother's clutter threshold was different. She has no problem stacking plates in a cupboard like a game of jenga. So she didn't understand why my room got so messy, so persistently.
I was diagnosed with ADHD later and I know this is part of this. But having far less stuff, far easier storage systems, would have helped me a great deal.

Tell her you have a man coming to do an electric safety check and needs access to her room.

It might be a lack.of executive function, like not knowing how or where to begin before it all gets overwhelming and she can't start anything at all, then it just gets worse.

The easiest thing is to make sure everything has a place - labelled boxes and drawers so.she knows where everything goes. This might also include setting up a make-up station for.example so she knows where to put her brushes and sponges etc while she's putting it on before tidying it away.

As others have suggested, banning food upstairs.

You may have to help her clean it up so she can start fresh.

It's really difficult for you both. I hope you can work it out.

I could be wrong, and I probably am, but if she's catching colds and bugs, I'd have attributed that to being in November. While it has been extraordinarily mild this year, people do tend to stay indoors more, especially when it seems to rain constantly, so colds and bugs can incubate and spread more easily.

As filthy as her room is, I'd have also thought that'd be helping her immune system to stay strong. I was very messy when I was a teenager, although not quite to the extent you describe. I rarely got colds and bugs. I don't know really, just my thoughts.

Id have no food upstairs. The rest let her crack on.

She keeps her room clean and has respect for your home or she moves out would be my choice !

But dirt doesn't actually strengthen an immune system, that's a myth.

Yes it's not good to be extremely over clean to the point you're killing any good bacteria as well, somewhere in the middle is ideal.

I'm even more concerned now because she keeps catching colds and bugs. More so than anyone else in the house and I wonder if it is because of her poor hygiene.

Less frequent hand washing could play a role there - but more likely vit D,magnesium and zinc deficiency going into winter. The room sounds grim but probably not cause of bugs and colds.

DS was a nightmare with packing and not sorting his room over summer. There a no food in rooms rule all the teens flouted but did mean they brought down plates and cups. It was a nightmare getting him packed but the room left had some mold in unacessible corner but when I bought some storage boxes and started sorting - there was a lot of rubbish and everything felt grimy* *and dusty.

There is dspraixia and ADHD - waiting on assesment for DS- but it's rife in family including me and a direct sibling disgaonsed- so I think he may just have been overwelming even with offered help. He was scertainly constanly distracted when trying to pack with him.

DD2 copes much better when she moved into larger room with better storage - she really struggled in smaller room - swapped when eldest went of to uni. So I think strorage avaliable hugely helps.

I would try coming in with storage solutions - and perhaps as PP have suggest looking up systems with ND in mind.

@EverardDeTroyes That's better than I feared!

I don't get all this 'normality' about kids taking food to their room and leaving the residual plates, cutlery, etc. I never took food to my room at that age. Why doesn't she eat with the family? I wouldn't stand for the chewing gum and other disgusting habits. Tell her to shape up - quickly!

In your home you'll most likely have a front door. Acquaint your daughter to it formally. Explain that this is the door she will be leaving from if she can't be a young adult and live to the required standard of your home. Tough love yes even in times of exceptionally wokeness.

One of mine was like that. The rule was if the door is closed and I can't see it then it's your problem, leave the door open and it becomes my problem and you will clean it up.

All grown up now, great dad, does his share of childcare/cooking/cleaning. I think it all changed round about when he finished uni, like he decided he was now officially a grown up.

I feel your pain but I'm pretty sure it will pass.