I'm avoiding telling everyone because it's all so horrible.

[sladtheinkaler]

I've posted elsewhere. I'm having a horrible time.

10 days ago my lovely husband, who I have been with for 30 years, told me that he's been having an affair for 4 years. Not only that, but he has carefully and systematically screwed me over financially. I'm stuffed. He is leaving me to be with her. He doesn't like me, and he doesn't like our children or our family.

My 17 yr old son is right in the middle of some very important exams, so I asked DH to just wait until Friday to tell the kids. We have three, and they're all teenagers. He agreed, and we've been pretending things are normal since he told me. He goes to see this woman and then comes home for dinner and eats the meal I cooked for the family. He is packing his clothes and stuff in secret and stashing stuff in the garage, ready to move out on Saturday.

I am hanging by a thread. I haven't really told anyone. How can I? If I admitted it, I'd dissolve into sobbing and never stop. I am crying in secret in the shower and in the car. I am thinking about what needs to happen for the children, and financially etc. I get on well with my collegues and they have clocked that I'm a bit down, but I can't bring myself to tell them. It's so humiliating. He has acted with breathtaking deceit and cruelty, and I had no idea. I thought we were happy. I loved and trusted him.

He has told his family, who are lovely. They are rallying round and supporting him. Long phonecalls. They have not reached out to me. I've known them since I was 17. I'm so envious of their support. They're great people. They're also very wealthy and will support him.

I haven't told my own family. My mother is away on a trip. She lives in another country anyway. I probably ought to tell one of my brothers - but how? I'll just be a sobbing mess on the phone and then what? Then it will still all be true and one more person will know. For what?

I have told a friend who is lovely. She is supportive.

I think I need a bit more support, but I also know that even if I told people there is no support for this. I just have to put on a brave face and be a rock for the kids.

I can't believe he's done this.

Who do I tell? How?

All very well to say take him for every penny, but there aren't any pennies.

But he WILL have a pension, and if he's a higher earner then it should be a decent one. Plus if his deliberate spending of your joint savings can be proved, he may be made to pay that back over time if necessary. Plus of course the support of the younger children and spousal maintenance out of his salary (that may not please his new "bit"). If she has her own home & he's contributed to that in any way e.g. renovations, redecoration, help with the mortgage etc over the last 4 years, he may have to pay some of that back to you either up front or over time.

And don't be too sure that he's frittered away every penny on his tart. He may well have made additional pension contributions, or put some into an ISA. Or even have set up a bank account that you don't know about so he can spend money without you knowing what he was buying.

Have you decided what you are going to tell the kids? I’d be tempted to be as straightforward and honest as you can be.

Don’t rule out the possibility that one or more of the kids already know or suspect something.

I hope it goes ok.

Good luck for tomorrow - please make HIM tell them that he’s been lying to them for 4 years. Don’t try to make it easier for him.

big hug to you.

my father did this to my mother and family . He’s alone and old now, and he’s reaping what he sowed.

Dear @sladtheinkaler - what an absolute shit he is.
I just wanted to send you love and hugs.
I think you will find once you do start to share that the support, caring and compassion you will no doubt receive, will help lift you a Hopefully, you will feel better and less lonely. There are some great threads on here from incredible women who have been through similar and come out the other side stronger and I’m sure this will be you too.
You sound so lovely and you will get through this ❤️❤️❤️

But he WILL have a pension, and if he's a higher earner then it should be a decent one…… he may well have made additional pension contributions, or put some into an ISA. Or even have set up a bank account that you don't know about so he can spend money without you knowing what he was buying.

I agree.

If you suspect that he may have hidden assets, get a forensic accountant.

This is the time to be focused and looking after number one.

Yep, agree with this too. He will be making out he’s spent it all and it’s not recoverable.

He has a pension. Possibly ( likely ) savings you know nothing about but it will be your money not just his.

He wants you to think you can do nothing so he can have a quiet comfortable life with his new woman.

Make sure he pays max amount possible child maintenance.

Please get a forensic accountant !

This is exactly right. Find a lawyer who knows their stuff and takes pride in ensuring you get a fair deal. A friend of mine's husband has to pay her a grand a month, even after DC left home as young adults, because her very high earning capability was reduced while she raised their kids, while his career went stellar. A grand a month is a pittance to him but I bet it annoys the tosser, and he probably thinks she doesn't deserve it. She also gets half his pension pot. I can find out what law firm she used if you want.

Just to add on the issue of his pension, he may have more than one so be careful if he just produces one.

And you definitely don't screw your wife and kids over financially. That's real scumbag behaviour.

@sladtheinkaler Well done for hanging in there and I love that you’re playing it cool with those dumb questions!

Tomorrow will be tough, and it’s going to be very rocky for a while. Sending you and your lovely dc strength

Having seen this a few times then I can say the man is lying. He will have seen himself alright financially and is spinning you a line that he’s got nothing. The truth is he wants you to claim nothing. The other truth is that he’s probably been bad mouthing you to his family for years, and the nastiness is partly out of guilt. Saying he hates you and the children is intended to destabilize you, preferably in front of the kids so you lose it and they don’t understand but they see you are a crazy witch that he must leave and you have been crazy for years.

Do not beg, chase or enquire. Do not provide food or other services or go for catch ups over coffee about the kids. The other truth is that moment you do this and detach, he gets more respectful. It’s about your self respect. This man is selfish and he’s probably going to end up alone.

Do not beg, chase or enquire. Do not provide food or other services or go for catch ups over coffee about the kids. The other truth is that moment you do this and detach, he gets more respectful. It’s about your self respect. This man is selfish and he’s probably going to end up alone.

Excellent excellent advice!

And yes, a man like this will likely end up alone.

God no. He won’t end up alone. So many people out there have a very low bar and will happily take on a man like this.

Op, I wish you all the strength in the world.

Praying for you OP. You've got this. It might not feel like it for a while, but you have. You've got an army of MNers supporting you too - you're not alone xxxx

@sladtheinkaler I see you have had tons of great advise here.

Have you looked at the 'Runaway Husbands' page? https://www.runawayhusbands.com/

It was a Godsend to me when I went through this. I read her book and joined the private Facebook page where thousands of women and experiencing the same thing. It helped me soo much.

I can relate to how you have been feeling about not wanting to tell people. My parents were no longer alive when my exH left but I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone. I thought he would suddenly tell me that he'd made a mistake. The only way I can describe how I felt was frozen. Eventually, I told 1 colleague I was close to. I had days off work. I couldn't go to (oddly) my local supermarket because I was scared that I'd bumped into a school mum friend and have to explain. I sat at home and watched the same box set on TV over and over again. My mind was racing for weeks.

We are 6 years on from that now and I have a lovely new partner, a good relationship with my exH (had to do a lot of reading and educating myself on why people leave marriages, have affairs etc. to get there). I am very philosophical about it now, in fact I think he made the right decision because everyone's happier.

Men are inherently selfish and rarely put their children first unlike most but not all women. That's why marriage exists in the first place, to stop men shirking their responsibilities.

OPs husband is a selfish B. and always has been - he's just being open about it now. The new woman is welcome to him in my opinion - she'll see soon enough what he is like unless she is younger and he is showering her with attention in return for we all know what. A lot of men (most?) just use women all their life.
How else do you explain the fact that most men leave household chores and the mental load to their wives even when women work full-time?
It's because they can and men all do what they can get away with which is a lot in a man's world.

OP, thinking of you for when you tell the kids today.

I think I might let him lead the way but interject with 'That's not what you told me', 'That's not what I understood you to say', etc. if appropriate.

Men are inherently selfish and rarely put their children first unlike most but not all women. That's why marriage exists in the first place, to stop men shirking their responsibilities
@Susiy I very much agree with what you have written here.
BUT I do feel the need to add a bit of nuance. I would say that broadly speaking men behave in a more self-interested way than women, this is partly inherent (higher androgen levels, probably other things too) and partly because society gives them greater licence to be selfish.

The same for women. We tend to be more nurturing but because we are smaller, have less power in society, are trained to be obedient and subservient, it's harder for us to get away with the things that men do.

Guess what my uncle did?

Plotted behind his first wife's back to do a university course in a different city. Buggered off six weeks after the wedding and had two other women.

Moved in with one after getting a job. Eventually she chucked him out and he took up with my aunt a week later and played them off against each other. Cheated financially for years. Staged a burglary to fiddle the insurance.

Cheated on wife #2 with a much younger woman, married her too. She left after 18 months, sick of him.

Took up with a woman from work who was working with him while married to wife #2 and cheating on her with wife #3 and she knew this but still got mixed up with him.

Retired now and with a different woman yet again. She looks nice. God knows why or how he gets them, he looks like Catweazle.

@GuyForksAndKnives
The Catweasel guy sounds like a modern-day Rasputin, or perhaps has the makings of a cult leader if he could up his game a little😬

Just want to send you a 'bon courage' for tomorrow. Lots of excellent advice here, and lots of women rooting for you, today, tomorrow and onwards, upwards. I wish I had gone on here when my H left me a year ago.

Thinking of you going through this with your DC today, you absolutely have this and thank god, they have you.

All very well to say take him for every penny, but there aren't any pennies.

That’s what he says, is it? ‘Don’t bother coming after me for anything because I’ve spent it all’. And we’re believing everything he says, are we? Are we fuck! A forensic accountant will be the one who decides whether or not there are any pennies to be had, not this Thundercunt who has deceived and betrayed you for years.

Do you know anyone who is divorced and did well out of the settlement? That’s the lawyer you want. Someone who isn’t afraid to frighten the bejesus out of him or play just as dirty as he’s playing. He’s expecting you to carry on being lovely Mrs Slad, while he tells you what will and won’t be happening, and for you to just accept it, do as you’re told and not make a fuss. Let the dragon in you wake up and annihilate this piece of shit. Be honest with your DC that he’s been cheating for four years and informed you that he’s moving out. Don’t protect him at all (other than the bit about him not liking them, they don’t deserve to know that).

What @WilfredsPies said.

And remember his pension is part of marital assets as well. Pensions can be VERY valuable.