I'm avoiding telling everyone because it's all so horrible.

[sladtheinkaler]

I've posted elsewhere. I'm having a horrible time.

10 days ago my lovely husband, who I have been with for 30 years, told me that he's been having an affair for 4 years. Not only that, but he has carefully and systematically screwed me over financially. I'm stuffed. He is leaving me to be with her. He doesn't like me, and he doesn't like our children or our family.

My 17 yr old son is right in the middle of some very important exams, so I asked DH to just wait until Friday to tell the kids. We have three, and they're all teenagers. He agreed, and we've been pretending things are normal since he told me. He goes to see this woman and then comes home for dinner and eats the meal I cooked for the family. He is packing his clothes and stuff in secret and stashing stuff in the garage, ready to move out on Saturday.

I am hanging by a thread. I haven't really told anyone. How can I? If I admitted it, I'd dissolve into sobbing and never stop. I am crying in secret in the shower and in the car. I am thinking about what needs to happen for the children, and financially etc. I get on well with my collegues and they have clocked that I'm a bit down, but I can't bring myself to tell them. It's so humiliating. He has acted with breathtaking deceit and cruelty, and I had no idea. I thought we were happy. I loved and trusted him.

He has told his family, who are lovely. They are rallying round and supporting him. Long phonecalls. They have not reached out to me. I've known them since I was 17. I'm so envious of their support. They're great people. They're also very wealthy and will support him.

I haven't told my own family. My mother is away on a trip. She lives in another country anyway. I probably ought to tell one of my brothers - but how? I'll just be a sobbing mess on the phone and then what? Then it will still all be true and one more person will know. For what?

I have told a friend who is lovely. She is supportive.

I think I need a bit more support, but I also know that even if I told people there is no support for this. I just have to put on a brave face and be a rock for the kids.

I can't believe he's done this.

Who do I tell? How?

Still none of their business - if he loses his job and stops the maintenance payments will they all rally round to make up the shortfall?
It's not ok in my world but I don't use my morals to bully people.
Most stories have 2 sides and we only get one on here so some posters give stupidly biased replies.

What other side can there possibly be for a long affair? He’s lied and cheated for years.

Abuse.
But I'm not at liberty to divulge any more too outing.

Yeah my ex used that as the reason he cheated on me the ‘abuse’ was me having a normal reaction to being gaslight and cheated on repeatedly. Because being sad about it was manipulation = abuse.

He got to walk out on our family straight into the affair relationship claiming abuse. So many cheaters use that reason projecting.

It may well be their business for a couple of reasons.

Firstly, how on earth can they trust or respect their own boss when they know he's a dishonest cheat. And secondly, if the affair was with someone in the office (which I gather it was from @DBD1975 's posts), there's always the question over fair treatment at work especially if the person they are having the affair with is junior to them.

That’s still no excuse to cheat.

@sladtheinkaler thinking of you and your dc today. I hope ds exams are going well.

Your story is your story and has no relevance to anyone else.

Actions should have consequences.
Leaving a marriage because you are unhappy happens and I wouldn't judge anybody for doing so.
Lying, cheating, acting without integrity, hurting people, being duplicitous, having no regard for how you behave, abusing being in a position of authority, those are all character traits which show who you are as a person and, in my opinion, are not favourable qualities for anyone to have.
I hope the OP takes him for every penny because to lie to someone who loves and trusts you and to make someone question everything they ever thought true makes you a despicable person in my view.
It is other people's business when it impacts on them in the workplace.
You are obviously as morally bankrupt as the OP's husband.

How are you doing @sladtheinkaler?

Don't be stupid - I'm morally bankrupt because I don't agree with your other halfs bullying workmates and have a different prospective on this to you.
OP needs practical help not a bunch of anecdotes telling her her husband is a piece of shit. She's worked that out for herself. She has children with this man who will witness the side taking and the anger against there father. I've seen the damaging effect on a child knowing there genetically part of a bad parent. They may be aware there dad is bad but they still love him and then there's all the uncertainty of are they bad too - this lying, cheating morally corrupt man is part of there genes after all.
OP nor anyone else needs to find there anger - she needs the strength and support to get the best outcome for herself and her children and I'm sure she will when the first phase of shock passes.

@Gingernessy
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Sorry 😞
I usually try to spell correctly - will drink more coffee and try to do better 😁

Get a good lawyer and take as much as you can. He can’t screw you over financially.
I can only imagine how hard this is worrying about your children and how they will take the news - I expect they will be very upset with him and might not want anything to do with him for a while. I would be as honest as you can be with them 💐 keep posting, you’re not alone.

Your best bet is to try to get to the bottom of what he means by protecting himself financially. Do what you can to uncover that - is it a hidden savings account? As you are married and in a family home and I assume in the UK he stands to lose a lot - a share of the house, his pension etc. You need to get forensic and find traces of his financial dealings. Gather any paperwork you can while he is still there. Think of other ways you can find out. And there should be no shame in this for you. He is a horrible cheat and he is abandoning his children. People will see that and they will feel compassion for you. I would encourage you to be open and matter of fact. Find your anger.

Op, I’m so incredibly sorry you’re going through this. What a horrible piece of work your husband is to be so calculating so that he’s ok.
Absolute shit house of a man.

I would prepare an email or text to send to close friends and family. Tell them you probably aren’t up for talking yet (unless you are) but you’re going to need them when you’re ready
Find a good lawyer, he can’t squirrel money away whilst he’s married and expect for it not to be taken into account when he leaves. You’re married, you have shared children, that counts.

Sending you strength - keep your head up high, it will get better, you deserve better x

Absolutely this!

Stop making dinner for him.
Tell people
If they talk so what?
Calmly look at making him pay up for you and dc
Make him be the one to explain it to dc

@GooseyGandalf @MrsPrendergast Thank you so much. I appreciate you checking in. I'm okay. Hanging in there. Ds just finished his exams so we'll tell them tomorrow. Dreading it. He's moving to his new shagpad on Saturday.

I saw a lawyer and it was a bit dispiriting tbh. All very well to say take him for every penny, but there aren't any pennies. He has frittered them away on gifts and fun with this woman - and that's not recoverable any more than me getting an expensive haircut which he might think is a waste of money. He earns double my salary, but if he continues to pay rent on the family home while we're separated he will claim it back in the final settlement.

I'm still being calm at home, gathering information, and asking slightly dumb questions to try and work out what he has planned. The only actual facts I have are that he will look me in the eye and lie, and that he puts himself before everyone else. It's probaby easy to believe that about just one more cheating husband on Mumsnet, but I have thought so highly of him for so many years that I still have to remind myself that he's a shitstain wanker. It's not automatic yet, but it will be.

I’m so sorry. This has also happened to me. Tell your brothers. Maybe they can tell your mum first to make it easier for you.
Look for any financial papers, emails, bank transfers, movements of money, anything and take pictures. Look on any laptops for information etc. This is really important.
Get a solicitor.
Do shout and rage in private if you don’t currently have anyone to offload to. It helps.
I totally get how you feel awful about telling people but don’t forget you are a victim here and people will rally round you. He is a knob and soon everyone will know that.
I would not have believed this (in the early days of my husband leaving ) but it will be ok. You will get through it. I’m 10 years on and life is good.

What an awful excuse of a human being he is. Rubbing fresh 🌶️ into the crotch of every pair of boxers he owns is too good for him.

Sending strength and 💐 to you OP xx

will he not also have to pay child maintenance for your kids? He can’t have nothing!
sending hugs for tomorrow. 💕

I'd be charging him storage rates for anything left in the house.

I'm so sorry OP.

Can you pay half of the rent while you look for a cheaper place? can you downsize? He sounds like he'll try to pay the lowest maintenance he can get away with.

Will be thinking of you tomorrow 💐

Without a doubt, he is a shit stain wanker.
But I think an important thing for you to remember during this process is that you are decent, kind and articulate and that you will be able to get through this. It will be rough, but you can do it.

Good luck with the children. I agree with others that it must be the truth. My parents split when I was a teen and I wanted to understand what had gone on/was going on.