I'm avoiding telling everyone because it's all so horrible.

[sladtheinkaler]

I've posted elsewhere. I'm having a horrible time.

10 days ago my lovely husband, who I have been with for 30 years, told me that he's been having an affair for 4 years. Not only that, but he has carefully and systematically screwed me over financially. I'm stuffed. He is leaving me to be with her. He doesn't like me, and he doesn't like our children or our family.

My 17 yr old son is right in the middle of some very important exams, so I asked DH to just wait until Friday to tell the kids. We have three, and they're all teenagers. He agreed, and we've been pretending things are normal since he told me. He goes to see this woman and then comes home for dinner and eats the meal I cooked for the family. He is packing his clothes and stuff in secret and stashing stuff in the garage, ready to move out on Saturday.

I am hanging by a thread. I haven't really told anyone. How can I? If I admitted it, I'd dissolve into sobbing and never stop. I am crying in secret in the shower and in the car. I am thinking about what needs to happen for the children, and financially etc. I get on well with my collegues and they have clocked that I'm a bit down, but I can't bring myself to tell them. It's so humiliating. He has acted with breathtaking deceit and cruelty, and I had no idea. I thought we were happy. I loved and trusted him.

He has told his family, who are lovely. They are rallying round and supporting him. Long phonecalls. They have not reached out to me. I've known them since I was 17. I'm so envious of their support. They're great people. They're also very wealthy and will support him.

I haven't told my own family. My mother is away on a trip. She lives in another country anyway. I probably ought to tell one of my brothers - but how? I'll just be a sobbing mess on the phone and then what? Then it will still all be true and one more person will know. For what?

I have told a friend who is lovely. She is supportive.

I think I need a bit more support, but I also know that even if I told people there is no support for this. I just have to put on a brave face and be a rock for the kids.

I can't believe he's done this.

Who do I tell? How?

You're going to feel emotionally screwed for some time, but don't just accept that he's screwed you financially. Get a lawyer and get everything you're entitled to. He doesn't decide what that is.

Why dont you email them this thread, just saying i don't have the words.

Your DH wasnt lovely, and if he no longer loves you that doesnt mean hes allowed to behave like this. And the doesnt like the children is vile. Im so sorry youre goibg through this

You need help becauae you need a plan. So if you can't say them share this. And reach out here, were on your side

Do NOT feel humiliated for one second and if you do, try to stop yourself because it is totally not right. Definitely tell a few best friends and your brothers and say you need support - they must rally round you at this awfully sad and shocking time. You can get through this

And I agree with the other commenter who said email his family this thread. In fact, email it to everyone, your brothers etc. It will explain things perfectly without you having to keep repeating it.

I don't know why, but there is an instinct to feel embarrassed and ashamed when this happens. It is not your fault. He is the one that should be totally ashamed of himself.

I am so glad you found Chump Lady. She speaks the truth.

My heart is with you. Years ago my sister had a similar situation. I lawyered up for her as she was emotionally unable to. He was AMAZING and he ensured that her scum of an ex didn’t get away with the financial disclosure he tried to portray. He did all the work for her. She came out of it able to buy scum ex out of the home which she would have struggled with without this amazing lawyers help. Look after you. Or pay someone who will. Your ex is a total bastard. Sock it to him.

But please don't expect any support from his family. You will not get it. However, at least by forcing them all to read the truth they won't feel quite as comfortable gossiping about you and blaming you and minimising and monstering you and rewriting history behind your back.

Which is what is happening right now.

Best case scenario, one of them might keep in touch for a while, and acknowledge what he has done is horrifying. But you do need to seek elsewhere for support now. He wil be moving his new screw in to your place in their family and they will not be able to support you without standing against him. As he is blood, he will always win.

I am very sorry for what he has done to you.

“Tell them quietly that you have just found out that their father has been lying to you all for years and has decided to break up the family and leave for another woman. Tell them you were blindsided, had no idea, but will try to keep their lives as stable as you can. Tell them you are not sure what to expect as he has spent all your money too.”

This is perfect, clear, and factual. It’s possible to be honest without criticising or ‘bad mouthing’ and your family, including the children, need to know how badly he’s behaved. He will have been sneakily spreading misinformation about you for years, to make it look less like he’s the bad guy, so you need to make sure you can counter this to the people who need to know. If his family will support him no matter what, then don’t try to get them onside, just clean break and turn to those who will be there for you.

The debt is unrepealable but giving family money to an affair partner shortly before divorce is surely just a deprivation of assets. It’s a risky strategy that could lead to an unfavourable outcome for him.

If you did read and run, nobody would know. I don't know why people say this at all.

Your husband, soon to be ex I hope, is deranged. Wait until it goes wrong as it will and just laugh at him. I hate these men. All the best to you and the OP. You're the ones with integrity not those cheating creeps.

These men might be leaving their marriages rather than their kids, but it’s also robbing their kids of the happy home life and stability that they previously enjoyed.

I very much see it as “cheating on the kids” as well.

Also I’d be finding my anger and shouting it from the damn rooftops OP. Fuck him. Don’t protect him. I’d be really interested to hear what crap he’s spun his family as well.

But it wasn’t happy, for him at least, no one who is happy cheats and ends a marriage. No one. They may have pretended for the kids, but most know, the marriage isn’t good, now that’s no excuse for cheating for 4 years and waiting till the kids were old enough to leave as he did, but I don’t think anyone can say it was a happy home. It may have been an illusion of one, but it wasn’t happy.

It’s the fact he’s supposedly screwed you over financially that is the most shocking. That’s sociopathic and incredibly spiteful. I’m so sorry.

Please speak to another lawyer or two to get more input about this awful situation. Sitting tight doesn’t sound like the best advice. What a nasty, cowardly man. He should be the one to tell the children why he’s leaving.

Only if she is right there in the room with him and she is prepared to correct him. He will lie.

No, it's the fact that he has been sticking his penis in at least one woman for at least four years and lying to her face every single day while possibly giving her STDs and has chosen to destroy his family that is the most shocking.

Stealing from her is really to be expected since he's an abusive liar.

You are being deliberately abusive to the OP. There's always one.

Men who stick their cocks into other women are often in perfectly happy marriages, they're just pieces of filthy abusive shit who fancy another fuck and get bored. Same with women who get cock elsewhere.

They are filthy, lying abusers and so is anyone who tries to defend them.

This. Don’t pile pressure on yourself to feel anger/sadness or anything else, just make a list of coldly methodical things you now need to do and do them (while simply feeling whatever naturally arises). Financially, he will try to get this wrapped up ASAP while you are vulnerable and blindsided. Don’t agree to ANYTHING. Pay good money for excellent legal advice. Open a notebook and record a history of your relationship - when and where you both worked, how much was earned in this time, how it was spent, any inheritances and so on, because you may not be able to instantly recall the facts at your meeting.

Good luck. Take him to the cleaners.

It’s hard to know whether the discontent is manufactured as part of The Script though, and whether he now believes it himself, because the alternative is accepting he’s a scummy man.

There’s the possibility his head was turned by the OW, their initial getting together was impulsive and stupid and the rest of the narrative has been self-perpetuating. He’s less likely to feel important and engaged in his kids’ lives if he’s squirrelling away family money and cheating on their mother.

If you aren't happy in your marriage, you talk to your partner and possibly get couples counselling. If that can't resolve any issues you have, then you divorce after that. What you don't do is find yourself another woman & screw her while pretending to your wife everything is OK, and meanwhile coldly plan to steal from her and your children. For 4 bloody years! If he wasn't happy in his marriage, it doesn't take that long to even think about telling your spouse.

I've known plenty of men who are happy in their marriage in general, but still go on to have affair after affair. A big part of the thrill and turn on is that they are getting away with something illicit and nobody else knows about it. Many of them would never dream of leaving by choice; they have a loving wife, lovely kids, comfortable home & are looked after. Still go out, have sex with their wives, buy them Valentine's Day cards & flowers and genuinely mean the sentiment behind it.

They also happen to have a bit on the side. Maybe she's younger, maybe no kids to detract from him getting all the attention, maybe she's happy to do other things in bed that the wife doesn't want to, no major responsibilities. The ego boost to men of having this kind of affair, especially when they hit middle age as I assume OP's husband has as they have a 17 year old son, is a big part of it. Maybe life at home has got a bit routine & boring, then suddenly you realise that you're flirting & the other person is responding. Thrill! Excitement! Proof you're still a virile attractive man!

@sothatsthat Well said. I find it absolutely outrageous that ANYone is excusing what this man is doing. I can only surmise that they must be exactly the same as him!

There's no need to even vaguely wonder why a filthy, lying, abusive scumbag chooses that path. The entire scenario is this - he could have left, he could have told her he wanted to fuck around, but instead he chose to be a filthy, lying, abusive scumbag.

That is who he is and what he is. Nothing he says can be trusted, his excuses don't matter.

The only thing that matters is that the OP gets the support she needs to stop the filthy, lying, abusive scumbag from crapping all over her any further.

And she should also be getting tested for STDs.

You say that, but I have known of men who cheated and yet insist that their marriage is rock-solid and they are very happy. Two were men who were serial cheats and the whole town knew except the wives - one couple is still together 25 years on, and I doubt he's changed. Two others were friends who had affairs with married men, who, when push came to shove, said they loved their wives very much and the absolute last thing they wanted was to leave them. Then, when doing online dating, I came across more than one man who turned out to be married (they confessed at the talking stage, to see if I'd be up for it), and, when I asked them why they just didn't divorce, they said they deeply loved their wives and said wives were great, but "I want more." 🤢🤢🤢🤢