I'm avoiding telling everyone because it's all so horrible.

[sladtheinkaler]

I've posted elsewhere. I'm having a horrible time.

10 days ago my lovely husband, who I have been with for 30 years, told me that he's been having an affair for 4 years. Not only that, but he has carefully and systematically screwed me over financially. I'm stuffed. He is leaving me to be with her. He doesn't like me, and he doesn't like our children or our family.

My 17 yr old son is right in the middle of some very important exams, so I asked DH to just wait until Friday to tell the kids. We have three, and they're all teenagers. He agreed, and we've been pretending things are normal since he told me. He goes to see this woman and then comes home for dinner and eats the meal I cooked for the family. He is packing his clothes and stuff in secret and stashing stuff in the garage, ready to move out on Saturday.

I am hanging by a thread. I haven't really told anyone. How can I? If I admitted it, I'd dissolve into sobbing and never stop. I am crying in secret in the shower and in the car. I am thinking about what needs to happen for the children, and financially etc. I get on well with my collegues and they have clocked that I'm a bit down, but I can't bring myself to tell them. It's so humiliating. He has acted with breathtaking deceit and cruelty, and I had no idea. I thought we were happy. I loved and trusted him.

He has told his family, who are lovely. They are rallying round and supporting him. Long phonecalls. They have not reached out to me. I've known them since I was 17. I'm so envious of their support. They're great people. They're also very wealthy and will support him.

I haven't told my own family. My mother is away on a trip. She lives in another country anyway. I probably ought to tell one of my brothers - but how? I'll just be a sobbing mess on the phone and then what? Then it will still all be true and one more person will know. For what?

I have told a friend who is lovely. She is supportive.

I think I need a bit more support, but I also know that even if I told people there is no support for this. I just have to put on a brave face and be a rock for the kids.

I can't believe he's done this.

Who do I tell? How?

Yes, my assumption is always that they are also liars, abusers and cheats when they start this utter nonsense.

Your kids sound lovely. If they are older teenagers then I’m sure they will be upset but also understand how devastated you are for this news to come out of the blue.
don’t let your husband tell them a whole load of shit, make sure he tells them exactly what he has done and what this means for your family.
also you need to see a solicitor, he can’t just screw you over, your entitled to half.
sending a hug to you 🫶

Tell everyone, OP. He's the one who should be ashamed - not you.

Sorry for,you and your kids.
you are more than entitled to at least half
put on a brave face and take him to the cleaners!

Hey OP just remember you have done nothing wrong. Keep saying that to yourself until you firmly believe it. I think you will find most people will be on your side and anyone that isn't you don't need in your life anyway. Glad to see you have booked a lawyer. You are entitled to half of everything so go for it. If not for you then your children. He sounds like a complete narcissist tbh.

Ask around. Get the hardest fighting divorce lawyer by reputation in the area. He''ll soon find that he's nowhere near as protected financially as he thinks he is. Take him to the cleaners, and don't have a second's regret for doing so.

OP, I’m so sorry to read this. Other posters have given you some good advice. All I can add is: I hope you get the best shit-hot lawyer, as your deceitful, robbing H sounds like a disgrace to humanity.

I hope your DS's exams go well.

Best wishes to you and your children

Try to record him saying that he has ripped you off financially.
See a very good lawyer and collect all financial and business paperwork.

Do have to wonder why he has mentioned that he doesn't like his children. So unnecessary and probably not true, which makes me think the ow doesn't want the children in the picture. Maybe to do with his money.
Doubt this is his first affair either. This one just came at the right time. You are better off without him and so are your children. You will get through this and in the end be better off for it. Good luck.

You sound utterly ghastly and really unpleasant

How incredibly naive. Ofc children are involved. Their world as they know it is completely gone.

And their father will have to rebuild the relationship because the man and relationship they thought they had was an illusion.

Either you are someone who has enjoyed affairs and has done this misery to their own family hence your ludicrous assertions about the children not being involved or you’re just not terribly bright.

I’m sorry but no. Plenty of marriages do end and children absolutely do take a view on the behaviour of their parents. The relationship inevitably changes and sometimes even ends, believe it or not, because the children have opinions and morals too.

They don’t live in an Enid Blyton vacuum and are always affected, sometimes horribly, by the awful behaviour of their deceitful parent.

There is always one who cannot bring themselves to condemn the behaviour of cheaters, isn’t there?

I don’t think your posts are at all helpful or supportive for the op.

To be fair it's none of his teams business.
They don't sound very professional and should look for other jobs if they don't like working for him. It's not a witch hunt where they get to be judge and jury.
Unless they've all been married to his ex wife how would they know what his marriage was like. They should keep their vitriol and ridicule to themselves and get on with their jobs not be proud that they could be pushing someone into destitution.
I'm not condoning affairs but no one knows what goes on in a marriage and life is rarely black and white.

People can decide the character of others and act accordingly. That is their business. I much prefer accounts where cheaters aren’t welcomed by others than where people make the cheater’s life easier.

It’s impossible to say this as we don’t know the motivations for everyone who ever cheated. Some cheaters can and do change history to suit their own agenda and to make themselves feel justified when they have been fanny (or cock) dazzled.

I get that people may want to believe this because it’s reassuring in a way to think that it won’t happen to you as long as you love each other. It isn’t always the case sadly.

@Frenchfrychic The idea that there is some deep sadness in cheating men which compels them to seek out other women to have sex with because of the awfulness of their home lives defies all common-sense. I suppose they might be a bit happier to prove to themselves that they can find a woman desperate enough sex that she's prepared to have sex with some married middle-aged man and be his bit on the side for years but really?

All of this, especially the last bit. They obviously don’t need to know how their dad feels about them, but they absolutely do need to know he’s been dishonest, has cheated and isn’t to be trusted.

I guess one thing to remind yourself, is it’s better to be out of the relationship given hes the kind of person who can treat his own family like this.

I genuinely don't know what is wrong with them. What I do know is, that this happened to a friend of mine about 18 months ago and she was absolutely broken by it. He was just as unfeeling about the teenage children - brutal - like a personality transplant.

Last week she had a small party for her friends in her gorgeous new home. She was so happy - her teen children were happy. We were all laughing so much. There was a bit of bitching about him but he wasn't the focus of any conversation - it was all about her plans for the garden, what the kids were up to.

You will come through this. You will have a good life on the other side of it. Do NOT let him fleece you financially or push you out of your home until you and your teens feel ready to move. Ensure that if he has a good salary and yours was compromised by raising children, that this continues to be fairly reflected in the divorce settlement. You could be entitled to half his pension. Get a really sharp specialist lawyer.

I sort of agree with the legal advice that you had to not antagonise this man. But this shouldn't be to do with being afraid of him or out of subservience.
More a case of keep him sweet because you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. If he thinks you're not going to play at all dirty, if he thinks you're a soft touch then he'll feel as if it's going to be easy for him to come out the winner and he won't have to try too hard.
Put on an act for his benefit, let him think you're a push over, but privately you are organized and business like and you will stitch him up just like he stitched you up. But make sure it's water tight and he can't damage you.

It makes me very sad that anyone feels shame in this situation and that they weren’t enough. Unfortunately some people always want to have their cake and eat it.
This is a huge shock but take it one step at a time. You will get through it and life will be happy again.
Huge support for anyone going through this and applause to the survivors who are out the other side. 🥰

Reminder, you MUST tell your children the truth, the actual truth, in straightforward terms - for their protection and your own. Do NOT let him lie about this. A man who will say he doesn't even like his kids and lie to your face for four years (that he is admitting to) must never be allowed to run the narrative. He has already monstered you to his family and he will continue to make his choice to stick his penis in other women somehow your fault.

Don't let him.

What a prize fucking BASTARD. I’m so sorry.

can you get angry instead of crying?

and then get yourself to a solicitor’s office and take him for as much money as you screw out of the deceitful bastard. Ask here for recommendations for a shit hot divorce lawyer. A 30 year marriage puts you in a good position to get more than half of everything if you gave up your career for his and the DC.

Send the DC to his parents for the weekend. Go to your brother. Tell your brother.

Let your STBX bastard tell his children he’s been deceiving them for 4 years and that he doesn’t like them.

Do NOT do his dirty work. Let him reap what he’s sown.

Let the nastyy OW have this prize. He’ll do it to her at some point, but by then, you won’t care!

Take your children out for a coffee and a walk on Saturday. All of you, together, strong and happy. Without the dead weight their father is.
You will soon be more than furious once you stop to think he has said he does not like his children!!!!!! Fuck that! Between the low ones, your husband takes the cake!

Do not tell your children he said he does not like them! Let him be the one who says what he has been and is doing though.

Lying, cheating and carrying on an affair with a co-worker in work time, whilst wife at home with 3: young children.
That might be OK in your world but not for people with any moral standing. Everyone at work knew about the affair because they were so indiscrete.
Are you currently 'the other woman' in a similar affair situation?
I am here to support the OP you are obviously not so I suggest you keep your views to yourself and clear off (to put it politely).