We are being labelled disrespectful and I disagree over funeral

[Bluehummingbird]

We don’t agree with so don’t attend funerals. It’s part of a wider belief system we have devised part of it being to see those we care about as much as possible and do as much as we can for anyone we love who is ill or needs support.

Recently FIL passed after a long illness. We helped with care, spent a lot of time with him and supported MIL which we continue to do. We were with him in hospital and were able to say goodbye.

The issue is that we didn’t go to the funeral. We’ve had nasty comments from family members (who never bothered to see him or help MIL as they ‘lived too far away’ and who managed to travel though to the funeral and stuff their faces afterwards as they told us they even managed to take food for the journey home then the next sentence calling us out for behaviour).

SIL said it wasn’t fair she had to step up to help with funeral arrangements. I said to her ‘we arranged the care, we did all the hospital appts, I cleaned the house for MIL and we looked after the dog when they needed a break so it was your turn to do something’

Everyone is saying dh can’t have been able to say goodbye properly but he did - in the hospital? It’s like we don’t need to physically go to church each week to feel close to god or worship we don’t feel the need to go to a set place on a set day to say goodbye to someone who isn’t there any more and we find it performative.

I know most people do funerals but I’m struggling with having to repeatedly explain our position on this and we try to be good people and want to be judged on our actions for the last few years not for the 1 hour service and then the few hours after wake that we missed ?

What isn’t?

Supporting/being kind to the person while they're alive and also attending their funeral, I think.

I wonder if all the people on here telling OP she's awful know that direct cremations are a huge thing now and many people are choosing not to have funerals. Perhaps the way we process death is shifting more towards OP's views.
As for the disgusting comments on here about being ND "explaining a lot", that's just neuromajority people throwing their toys out of the pram because they don't like their ways challenged and need us all to play along their way to feel secure. There are plenty of us here for you OP, thinking that true moral courage is more about long term support and less about showing up for the sandwiches.

Like others on this thread, I've become interested in what you believe and why. If there is a name for a group of people holding similar belies, or a leaflet or facebook page teaching what the beliefs are, it would be really helpful if you could tell us that please. And family members or others affected by your decisions would probably want to look it up and read more about it. Without that, it is very hard to understand.

You've made up your own belief system.
That's all well and good but then you can't be upset or shocked or whatever that other people can't understand your behaviour because it goes against social norms. (The not going to the funeral of a parent, not the other aspects of your "belief system" - veganism, not flying etc - which plenty of people also do).

You both should have been there for DH's mother. I don't care what your belief system has to say about it. I'm not surprised others in the family think you were disrespectful.
I understand you are upset about the aunty and uncle who never visited FIL but showed up to the funeral. However, that does not mean it is ok for you and DH not to attend the funeral because you did the majority of the caring beforehand.

Also, you are being mean about them taking food home. Much better that they take food home than it is thrown in the bin - surely reducing food waste is part of your belief system too?
At my Dad's funeral there were quite a lot of sandwiches and cakes left so we boxed them up and gave them to the guests to take home.

Im ND and this is all performative horseshit.

And you know it is.

Funerals certainly have a long history. They seem to predate us even really being properly human. So in fairness to your in laws it is worth considering that pyschologically and culturally funerals are deeply rooted.

archaeologymag.com/2024/11/neanderthals-and-homo-sapiens-had-different-burial-practices/

But the point is that the OPs FIL didn’t choose to have a direct cremation.

Being supportive long term and going to the funeral aren’t mutually exclusive- most people in a close family do both. I did more than my sister when my Dad was dying but there were good reasons for that.

Actually OP your argument has won me around. I wouldn’t want a funeral for myself either. If you don’t believe it’s the way you want to say goodbye then I would respect that and not pressure you to attend. You have every right to grieve someone in your own way.

But funerals are the way that others want to say goodbye and they may need family support. So if I thought they would benefit from me being there then I would go for them.

I think YANBU if you've made it very clear to everyone, although I am really struggling to understand your POV. What happens if/when your husband dies? What exactly will you do?

I don’t understand? There was food left so the family boxed it up and gave it to guests - in what world is that inappropriate?

I gave them the food. How is that inappropriate?
Why should I throw the food in the bin?

It would be inappropriate if my guests had started stuffing cakes and sandwiches into their handbags but they didn't.

People had travelled a long way. I think it was nice to be able to give them something to eat on the journey home.

MN is really bizarre sometimes.

Rubbish. It was given to them. I've had food pushed on me when leaving a wake. Far ruder to make the host's life more difficult by refusing to help them dispose of leftovers than to take them.

What nonsense is this

They didn't grab it. That's the point. They were asked to take it. You aren't being rude by agreeing to a request to help tidy up by taking away leftovers

She won’t have one.

Direct cremation. Some families will then have a gathering or a memorial service or party.

Agree. It all sounds rather grandiose and self important. If she'd have just said, we really hate funerals and have decided not to go to them, then at least the honesty and assertiveness is something worthy of respect. Unfortunately all this framing of it as about morals and ethics sounds like justication on the grounds of higher thinking. Which just asks to be challenged.

Well let’s put it all in the bin then shall we! And it seems you are putting words like grabbing in to be extra dramatic.

It occurred to me that someone who holds firmly to something they repeatedly refer to as a 'belief system' may be autistic, or ND in some way, so it was interesting to see this confirmed. I have family members who see things the same way, with unshakeable convictions and principles that cause difficulties to them and their families.

I also understand where OP is coming from in terms of her in-law family members being performative in their grieving - if they hadn't done nearly as much as OP and her partner to care for FiL when he was alive, and conveniently see attending the funeral as the only true mark of familial love and respect.

But between those two extremes there's the middle way that most of us take. You might be implacably against everything religion stands for, but still attend a funeral in acknowledgment of family customs & culture. Also to avoid future rifts, and an easy stick to beat you with, from less enlightened family members!

There are myriad battles you can have in life, and the more you stick to 'belief systems' the more you'll have. Eg it makes my teeth itch when people say 'passed' instead of 'died'. But I get why they do. And to everyone's relief, including mine, I no longer feel obliged to say 'You mean DIED', as I would as a teenager obsessed with (what I viewed as) honesty.

Anyway - it sounds like you can't change your ways any more than your family can change theirs, so maybe it's a good thing that it's come to a head over this funeral. You won't be expected to attend any more.

So is it more polite to refuse the offer to take food and let it go in the bin instead? I don’t understand that 🤷‍♀️

Nobody wants to go to a funeral but it's the well mannered and respectful thing to do so most of us just gird our loins and make the effort.

I accept that some folks don't attend for various reasons. You never know what's going on in someone's life or their past experiences and I would never judge them for that.

It you had explained in your OP about your beliefs and reasoning and left out the snide comments about the aunty and sister in law, you would have likely faired better on this thread. How awful to say that to a grieving person.

As it is you lost all credibility.