We are being labelled disrespectful and I disagree over funeral

[Bluehummingbird]

We don’t agree with so don’t attend funerals. It’s part of a wider belief system we have devised part of it being to see those we care about as much as possible and do as much as we can for anyone we love who is ill or needs support.

Recently FIL passed after a long illness. We helped with care, spent a lot of time with him and supported MIL which we continue to do. We were with him in hospital and were able to say goodbye.

The issue is that we didn’t go to the funeral. We’ve had nasty comments from family members (who never bothered to see him or help MIL as they ‘lived too far away’ and who managed to travel though to the funeral and stuff their faces afterwards as they told us they even managed to take food for the journey home then the next sentence calling us out for behaviour).

SIL said it wasn’t fair she had to step up to help with funeral arrangements. I said to her ‘we arranged the care, we did all the hospital appts, I cleaned the house for MIL and we looked after the dog when they needed a break so it was your turn to do something’

Everyone is saying dh can’t have been able to say goodbye properly but he did - in the hospital? It’s like we don’t need to physically go to church each week to feel close to god or worship we don’t feel the need to go to a set place on a set day to say goodbye to someone who isn’t there any more and we find it performative.

I know most people do funerals but I’m struggling with having to repeatedly explain our position on this and we try to be good people and want to be judged on our actions for the last few years not for the 1 hour service and then the few hours after wake that we missed ?

So OP had other family members done their fair share of caring does that mean you would have attended the funeral or no you still wouldn’t have?

www.funeralbasics.org/the-6-purposes-of-a-funeral/

I think you have to accept Op that for literally thousands of years people have had some kind of ceremony when someone dies that brings together the community/family/tribe to celebrate and commiserate the person who has deceased. You have to accept that you are going against this tradition and people will question it.

Funerals are for the living not for the deceased, it's a Thanksgiving and celebration of their life but also a show of community and strength for the bereaved. It is expected that family and friends can support the bereaved in that moment when they are saying goodbye. People will judge you for not supporting your family at that time.

People will think it is strange for you to put your dislike of funerals above your family's needs like that.

Please consider how this may impact your family if you also decide not to attend your MILs funeral when the time comes.. or especially if a younger person passes away. Putting your odd notions ahead of people's feelings will not go unnoticed.

These are just core values. You can live by them and raise your kids by them. But calling them a “belief system” adds a layer of rigidity to them. Like they have to be abided by at all times. Core values grow and change as we get older and experience different things in life, make mistakes, get outside perspective on conflict and challenges.

The creation and rigidity of this belief system you’ve invented could be psychologically damaging to your kids. Just something to think about.

She won't be around to know what her children decide

Your attitude is incomprehensible to me. I have been the bereaved myself and shall die one day. I don’t want or expect a funeral service. My husband and I shall arrange direct cremations, adult kids are supportive of our wishes. We’re aetheists, not interested in alternative services and would rather our kids had the excessive fees.
That’s our prerogative as it is yours to have one. There’s nothing obnoxious about that. It’s called personal preference.

And if your children wanted the wider family around them with either a ceremony, a wake, a tea or anything...to support them in their grieving, and to talk with loved ones about memories of their parents...that would be banned too?

But the OP's FIL did have a funeral, so your preferences are irrelevant here.

The main issue is the OP's inability to read the room as far as the funeral was concerned.

It sounds like they were supportive, but I don't think they understand what other people's perception is of them, especially when they said it wasn't part of their "belief system".

They’re fully on board with our wishes. They’ll have a meal at our favourite restaurant in St. Ives, wonderful holiday memories over the years, and scatter our ashes when the sun sets. They don’t need to be at a service with a complete stranger to relive happy memories.

Not to harm any living creature so we are vegan . To make sure we are useful in society (eg volunteering). To try to be as environmentally friendly as possible (we don’t and have never for example flown anywhere and we don’t have a car

Wait till your kids are teens or adults! They will have their own minds...want to learn to drive and save for a car, go abroad with their friends, eat meat !

P.s
My 30 something kids volunteer in very worthwhile areas. (disadvantaged kids, eco projects etc)
However they both drive and love travel abroad, and aren't vegan

I just hope you are not going to be too disappointed as they grow up, please try not to be too rigid in your belief system. It will backfire on you

I think that's fine as long as everyone is on board with that.

Sounds beautiful and I hope they have support from family too

Indeed. I don’t go to funerals now, either. I don’t have a belief system. I just don’t want to. As a bereaved attendee at three over the years, they just made me feel more raw about my losses. So, I don’t want to go to any more or have one myself. Nobody should be made to feel terrible because of other people’s expectations.

There’ll be a few family and some close family friends who’ve known them since birth. A celebration. Just not a funeral service.

No, she shouldn’t. She is a person too, so is her husband and they get to make their own choices. If other don’t like it, they can choose to remove themselves from their life. In OPs position, I’d tell them that if they didn’t stop, they wouldn’t be seeing me.

Its ironic that you would call others self absorbed.

OPs kids may make different choices growing up but it’s not inevitable. I know 2 families that brought their children up similarly to what OP describes and the children have carried it through to their own adult lives as they’re happy with it.

Turning up just for a funeral is not supporting the bereaved though is it??

A couple of hours in the day and then everyone goes back home feeling good about themselves. The before and the after is still WAY more important. Checking in, taking out, cooking for etc etc

Having been to three funerals during Covid with only 10 people in attendance, made no difference to the outcomes of people's lives going forward than having 50 people there.

Yes. I think it’s important to accept that your kids might not adopt your core values and you should give them the freedom to develop their own. They are their own people, and not extensions of you and your husband.

Please raise them to have the freedom to be themselves.

If one of your children died but expressed a wish to have a funeral what would you do @Bluehummingbird

I’m sure most of us are well aware about direct cremations. My father had one. He chose that with family agreement. Not what is happening with the OP at all.

Why are you and others asking the OP to imagine a scenario where her child dies?

Are you that triggered that someone doesn't hold the same belief system as you?

I was thinking the same. Lots saying OP is some sort of terrible person, but they think it’s appropriate to ask this. Unbelievable

Reading all your answers it comes across like you just didn't want to because you didn't want to socialise with people coming due to it being a large gathering and spite and resentment towards family that wasn't your mother in law.

Being ND and not understanding the reasoning behind social norms isn't a green light to not having to follow them and be selfish and rude. You knew it was the expected thing and chose to ignore it.

For everyone person saying to your faces, 10 more are expressing their distaste at your selfishness behind the scenes. How awful for that poor woman to have her son refuse to be with her at one of the most harrowing moments of her life, citing it's someone else's turn and it doesn't suit him.

That’s a bit of a sweeping statement. A lot of people were very affected by the way funerals had to be conducted in Covid. My friend’s Dad died during that time and she found it really hard not to have all the people there who wanted to come.

Some posters seem to have a strangely negative view of funeral attendees and assume it’s all performative and people just hop back in their cars afterwards with handbags full of sandwiches, whilst patting themselves on the back and no further thought of the bereaved. My experience is that no-one really likes or wants to attend a funeral, no one thinks oh excellent it’s Jeff’s funeral on Thursday, wonder what sandwich’s they’ll have (or if they do it’s a tiny minority). Most people go because the deceased meant something to them and/or they want to show support to the bereaved. That’s all
it is and if you don’t go to the funeral of a very close family member without an obvious reason people are probably going to be judgy and negative about it. If the OP is happy in her decisions and the people that really matter really don’t mind I’d just ignore the negativity.

ND or not, nobody has to follow social norms they don’t agree with.