We are being labelled disrespectful and I disagree over funeral

[Bluehummingbird]

We don’t agree with so don’t attend funerals. It’s part of a wider belief system we have devised part of it being to see those we care about as much as possible and do as much as we can for anyone we love who is ill or needs support.

Recently FIL passed after a long illness. We helped with care, spent a lot of time with him and supported MIL which we continue to do. We were with him in hospital and were able to say goodbye.

The issue is that we didn’t go to the funeral. We’ve had nasty comments from family members (who never bothered to see him or help MIL as they ‘lived too far away’ and who managed to travel though to the funeral and stuff their faces afterwards as they told us they even managed to take food for the journey home then the next sentence calling us out for behaviour).

SIL said it wasn’t fair she had to step up to help with funeral arrangements. I said to her ‘we arranged the care, we did all the hospital appts, I cleaned the house for MIL and we looked after the dog when they needed a break so it was your turn to do something’

Everyone is saying dh can’t have been able to say goodbye properly but he did - in the hospital? It’s like we don’t need to physically go to church each week to feel close to god or worship we don’t feel the need to go to a set place on a set day to say goodbye to someone who isn’t there any more and we find it performative.

I know most people do funerals but I’m struggling with having to repeatedly explain our position on this and we try to be good people and want to be judged on our actions for the last few years not for the 1 hour service and then the few hours after wake that we missed ?

You just need to accept people have judged you because their position is different, notwithstanding other things you did.

People can judge, we all judge things,. They can think she did wrong but they don’t get to keep going on and on about it and expect OP to be ok with that. it’s time for them to shush

But those cultures will have other customs which bind them together. Every culture has its customs, rites and obligations. I think that in the UK, attending a parent's funeral has to be up there as one that most people would see as one of these. You might not attend if you had fallen out, are too upset, are ill, can't afford to travel, but to just choose not to go is not part of our culture. And I do think that we shouldn't all just do what we like.

I've got sympathy for you. With my DF I did it all and I had already said goodbye. I went to his funeral and threw up just before it. Then the wailers started. The very same ones who had never even gone to see him when he was sick. So they weren't there to support me.

My DM acted like the grieving widow when they'd been divorced for 20 years and she did nothing to help me up help him.

Unless my DS really wants one I'd rather not.

I don't think you can complain that people find that odd. It makes you a significant outlier. People will always find that questionable.

But she can complain that these people are still going on about it. They don’t have to like it but they need to accept it. Either move on or cut her off if they really can’t accept it because it’s not ok to keep questioning her about it.

In terms of what to say to people, if you have to say something: we loved FIL and spent as much time as possible with him before he died. He knew that we wouldnt be going to the funeral as did MIL and they understood.
You feel criticised by the comments but its likely that people are just puzzled and curious. Funerals are important in our society.
These are some of the reasons:

• Its a way of showing respect for the dead
• its the last thing you can do for anyone, accompanying them.on their last journey
• It helps people in their grief, and helps people express it
• its a comfort to family when they see other people care enough to come

These reason arent important to you both, but they are to many.

But honestly there seems to be a lot underlying the feelings, like who did and didn't help or vist, and with your SIL arranging the funeral - Im not sure why she was surprised, as it seems you had been clear that you wouldnt go. But i can see why she would be upset at your response. It might have been true, but it seemed to express resentment, and it definitely wasnt kind at this difficult time. Perhsp you both feel that you have done much more than others and that they havent acknowledged it or helped. I hope you manage to navigate it and also to grieve for your FIL.

The people the funeral is about are also alive. The funeral is not about the dead person. It is about supporting the chief mourners in their grief at saying goodbye. It's about coming together and celebrating a person's life and showing solidarity and sympathy.

I'm so sorry you went through all that @WearyAuldWumman . My experience had its challenges but nowhere near as bad. If I'm in that position again, as sadly I might be, there will be very few people whose feelings are worthy of genuine consideration to take into account and I will be doing what DH wants, ie putting myself first.

OP, you made a choice and not everyone is going to like or agree with that choice. Perhaps in future looking at each situation as it arises rather than dogmatically adhering to your 'belief system' might be an idea.

I'm not sure if you have read the whole thread or not. I haven't randomly guessed OP is autistic out the blue with no information. Someone on the thread earlier asked if OP had any mental health issues or is neurodiverse and OP said she is neurodiverse. As someone with tons of ADHD traits married to someone who is autistic I do think OP is autistic rather than ADHD. I also said I might be wrong. I don't think it's rude to ask someone who says they are neurodiverse whether they are autistic. If they didn't want this discussed they would have said none of your business when someone asked if they were ND.

A lot of people these days are doing pure cremation which allows for no funeral or whatever the next of kin want. I have to say though that I haven’t heard of a belief system that actually rejects funerals.

Absolutely!

You see funerals as about the deceased. Everyone else sees them as about those left. Clearly your FIL and MIL agreed with everyone else, otherwise they’d have had a direct cremation. So yes you have been quite rude and mean spirited, regardless of how supportive you were when he was alive.

I suspect your MIL is pretending to understand because the alternative is admitting to herself that her ds, despite previous support, wasn’t willing to put his own feelings aside and support her one last time. You’ve inadvertently made it all about you.

I think I've said that I'm ND. I have a formal diagnosis of OCD - not as many think an obsession with hygiene. In my case, I overthink things and worry a lot.

Ergo, I still find myself trying to come to terms over how I feel about important people not being at my husband's funeral.

At the time, I was taken aback. One phoned me before the funeral was even planned and said "I don't know what you think, but I think that when you're gone you're gone." Nevertheless, they all insisted on having input into the funeral and the word that springs to mind is definitely 'performative'.

Bizarrely, to my mind, they wanted a letter to my husband read out at the funeral - as though they were speaking to this person who was 'gone' directly. The letter began by saying how dreadfully sorry they were that they 'couldn't be there'. They referred to his accomplishments and finished by saying that they were all raising a glass to him.

When I was first told that they weren't attending, I told myself 'What does it matter? They were never here for him when he was alive. Why would they be here now?'

DH had told me that he didn't think that they would come to his funeral. I'd told hm that he was wrong, but...

At the time, I thought that he saw their future non-attendance as indicative of their feelings about him. I now realise that my husband was preparing me for the fact that they wouldn't be there to support me.

The night before the funeral was awful. I kept wishing that they were with me so that I wouldn't be on my own.

Afterwards, I kept expecting the phone to ring. It didn't until later on. In one case it was understandable - there was a dreadful family crisis. I later realised that they'd all been phoning among themselves and communicating with the person who'd 'represented' them at the funeral. (To be fair, I was later told that the funeral had been 'perfect'.)

Being on my own afterwards when I desperately needed to talk to someone about my husband was horrendous. I'm glad that the OP's DH was with his mother after the funeral.

I don't believe in them either and will give my body to science . I try to avoid them if I can and if I feel the people don't need me .
It's crazy here in Ireland - funerals have turned into circus type events .
In my opinion there is no need for all the fuss.
If you want it fine but I don't .

I hope she did!

The unmitigated gall to do nothing to provide support to or even visit her living but failing father, dumping the burden on others entirely, but being able to rock up to the funeral ... hoping someone else had sorted that out for her, too? Fuck off.

Why should they accept it? OP can't make them accept it, no more than the can expect OP to go to the funeral. If OP doesn't want to hear them complain, it's on OP to remove herself from their company, and stop talking to them.

Nowhere in this thread did OP ,"not allow ", her husband to attend. He held his brews before they were even together. This has been stated by OP. He decided, for himself, that he wouldn't go.

That's all that matters.

Not everyone does funerals. And no one has the right to judge others for that. Especially when the 'others' have done all the heavy lifting support-wise in the run up to the funeral.

I'm sorry for your loss. Ignore the arseholes of your extended family.

You’re being labelled disrespectful because you’re being disrespectful. It sounds like your DH has some unresolved trauma around previous funerals/death and you lack life experience. Nobody likes death but it’s a part of life. Funerals are an important part of processing the death of loved ones for most people.

I think you've heard enough, OP, that although you might be very passionate about your belief system, others aren't, and as a PP said, you are being performative and difficult where you think you are being balanced and respectful.

I'm assuming Jainism.

Hear, hear.

But not for the funeral.

Even if you don't believe in them (And tbh that just sounds insane, as they are a recognised part of the grieving process for many people) you should have gone to continue your support for mil.

I don’t share your views, but no one should be forced to attend a funeral, and as MIL was not upset that you weren’t there, that is all that matters. SIL should not be criticising you and your DH after you did all the work while FIL was alive.

Increasingly, people are choosing direct cremations with no “funeral”. We will have them. Lots of life experience, good and bad. I’m not sure traditional services will be the norm for very much longer.

I don't want any funeral, I am going to opt for a direct cremation. Everyone can pay their respects and celebrate my life how they wish but what I don't want is a service with everyone feeling they need to attend. I feel it will spare my family and friends from more unnecessary grief and upset. I'm not religious either.