We are being labelled disrespectful and I disagree over funeral

[Bluehummingbird]

We don’t agree with so don’t attend funerals. It’s part of a wider belief system we have devised part of it being to see those we care about as much as possible and do as much as we can for anyone we love who is ill or needs support.

Recently FIL passed after a long illness. We helped with care, spent a lot of time with him and supported MIL which we continue to do. We were with him in hospital and were able to say goodbye.

The issue is that we didn’t go to the funeral. We’ve had nasty comments from family members (who never bothered to see him or help MIL as they ‘lived too far away’ and who managed to travel though to the funeral and stuff their faces afterwards as they told us they even managed to take food for the journey home then the next sentence calling us out for behaviour).

SIL said it wasn’t fair she had to step up to help with funeral arrangements. I said to her ‘we arranged the care, we did all the hospital appts, I cleaned the house for MIL and we looked after the dog when they needed a break so it was your turn to do something’

Everyone is saying dh can’t have been able to say goodbye properly but he did - in the hospital? It’s like we don’t need to physically go to church each week to feel close to god or worship we don’t feel the need to go to a set place on a set day to say goodbye to someone who isn’t there any more and we find it performative.

I know most people do funerals but I’m struggling with having to repeatedly explain our position on this and we try to be good people and want to be judged on our actions for the last few years not for the 1 hour service and then the few hours after wake that we missed ?

I'd prefer that. I don't want people gathering wearing black looking at my dead decomposing body in a box in the middle of the room. I'd much rather a private cremation and everyone just goes out for a meal and raises a glass or something. Or nothing! I wouldn't actually mind if nothing happened. It's not like I'll know either way!

Because people get to make their own decisions on things like this and because do they really want to spend the rest of their life going on about this? Why would they want to be around her if they disagree to the point that they keep going on about it? It’s them with the issue. But yes, if I was OP I’d tell them to go fuck themselves but she sounds more tolerant than me.

I said that I was okay with my husband's relatives not attending his funeral because I didn't want to rock the boat. (I now regret that, but I was trying not to hurt them.) I'm wondering whether the OP's MIL did the same.

You are going to have to grow a thicker skin than you have at present. Your 'belief system' is very disrespectful not only to the person who has died but also to the bereaved. So yes, family will continue to challenge you and so they should. Funerals are for the living.

Just get over yourself & attend funerals.

I don’t understand why your dh didn’t go to his own dad’s funeral to be there for his mum though, that just seems callous to me. The last place I wanted to be was my dad’s funeral. I can’t imagine saying to my mum I wasn’t going to be there because I didn’t believe in funerals. Absolutely dreaded it but I knew I had to go because it wasn’t about me and my beliefs.

Agree. It’s one thing not wanting one for yourself but it’s very self centred to refuse to go to any, including your own family.

I have a relative who doesn't go to funerals. She's quite an odd person (to me!) generally, and someone who very much lives by her own rules/values and doesn't mind if they don't align with other people's expectations.
She didn't attend her MIL's funeral. There are two sons and it meant that one was supported by his partner and children and the other didn't have any close family there for him. To my value/belief system, that is selfish behaviour. I don't understand it and I wouldn't do it. I respect her right to make that choice though.

I think if you're going to behave in a way that is outside of social norms then people will judge you for it. I don't think either of you are in the wrong (I know you weren't asking if you were), but I think perhaps you just have to accept that some people - such as these relatives - will think that and it's within their rights to do so.

Yes, perhaps 'most people' as even you type.

THey're not being disrespectful; it's not how they mourn or want to mourn. OP and her DH are ND and are grieving in their own way - after doing all the heavy lifting in terms of support. THe rest of the family can support MIL at the funeral; it's the only thing they've shown up for.

Maybe the Irish heritage where funerals are as important as weddings 🤷‍♀️ But I wouldn’t not attend a wedding or funeral based on beliefs

You don’t have to have an open casket. Neither of my parents did, thank goodness.

Why? I won’t attend funerals either.

What do you want, a cookie?

Maybe they put down all the care you give to your kindness and sense of responsibility rather than your beliefs.
I'm still not sure why you don't attend funerals. Is it because you think the time is better spent helping the living? Or is it because you dislike funerals? If the former, attending a local funeral doesn't take long, and means you can support and supported by other people who miss the person who died.

As someone who's had to organise a funeral for their father this year because my 79 year old mother couldn't even comprehend where to start, I can't then imagine wanting to send her alone to it. It beggars belief that you could.

Nobody ever wants to organise, or attend a funeral, but surely it is an unavoidable duty to the person who's died and most of all for the rest of the family and friends?

The only instructions we had from Dad was, nothing religious and a party in his local pub after so that is what we did. We played his favourite songs and told silly stories. It was a great comfort to us all.

I've no set belief statem but I'm happy to support my nearest and dearest by honouring theirs.

Do you extend this belief system to exclude joyous celebrations such as weddings, birthdays, Christmas, religious celebrations of any denomination or just the sad ones?

No. Just not be expected to attend funerals by other people. Though Tbf, it’s never been an issue.

In my family it is traditional that women do not attend funerals. My DM did not attend the funeral of any close relative including her sisters, her parents or my own DF. When her DM and DF were dying (four years apart) she put her own life on hold to support the family who were caring for them, moving in to look after the children, cooking, cleaning, etc. The only thing she did not do was attend the funeral.

Things were a little more relaxed in later years. For instance my Aunt accompanied her DF to her DM's funeral but no other women from the family were there. My husband went to the funeral but I didn't.

When my DF died my DM was adamant that she would not go and I protected her from anyone who put pressure on her to attend.

You & the OP evidently get something out of being obnoxious to the bereaved that is incomprehensible to me.

Do you mean you don't believe in funerals@Bluehummingbird?

What the alternative then?

I know people who choose not to attend funerals, but I don't know anyone who doesn't for any reason other than personal trauma or it making them very uncomfortable. They are always very apologetic though and most people tend to accept that some find them difficult.

Culturally the vast majority of us will see the ritual of funerals, even very small low key ones, as an important element of the grieving process, to both mark the life of the deceased and show support for those who've lost their loved one, with attendance referred to as "paying respects" for a reason. Some will feel as strongly about attendance being that mark of respect as you do about not wanting to attend and I'm afraid you should expect others to give their views on that, especially if you're a close relative.

So, exactly the same as funerals then.

I think sometimes we have to do things we don’t want.
when someone dies the funeral is very important to some people. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for you to just sit there. You don’t have to do a reading or whatever. If someone I love dies and has a funeral then I’d always attend.

This used to be common in Scotland - the idea that women didn't attend a funeral - but less so nowadays.

I recall my late husband saying that when he had to organise his mother's funeral in Aberdeenshire in the '70s, only men attended. The women only attended the funeral tea.