Is it strange to be a couple long term and never marry?

[Benny91]

As me and my girlfriend are both 33 and are seeing people around our age obviously get married and are feeling strange about it as we’ve been together for 7 years! Is it an absolute societal expectation or norm that if you’re a long term couple that you must marry?

Is there any other couples on here that are in a similar situation to us?

If you are married, what made you want to marry?

It just makes me depressed at the moment that everyone’s getting married and we both don’t know what to do going forward.

Why don’t you want to get married?

Just chill and and do what you want. Loads of people aren't married.

I'm not married to my partner of 11 years. We have a child and a mortgage. We both earn similar which maybe helps. I have married friends, divorced friends, single friends, long term co-habiting friends. If it's getting to you, good to have a real think about why as other people's choices are no reflection of your life.

Oddly as I get older I see the point of weddings more for families to get together not for funerals.

If you are wanting kids, get married first.

Else enjoy what you both want. Stuff everyone else.

Marriage is a contract. It confers automatic rights without necessitating action on the part of either of you. If you don't marry you need to consider tax, inheritance, pension matters and make provision to convey your wishes.

People assume you want to or will get married. It's not that they think you must get married.

I have been with my partner for 25 years and we are not married. People stop asking eventually.

I have no idea why it would make you depressed though, or why you wouldn't know what to do going forward. Either you want to marry or you don't. If you don't and your girlfriend is of the same mind, then it's not any kind of a problem to think about or be depressed about.

Also have a think about whether you are feeling a bit aimless in life and so people doing a life step that is socially valued is making you feel weird or whether it is marriage itself that you might want.

There are lots of different ways to move your life on.

I got married this year. We had been together for 29 years.

As long as you have mortgages in both names, wills sorted out it's OK legally, but if you have children and one of you is going to compromise your career then it's very important to marry.

Worth analysing why it’s making you feel depressed. Would you like to be married? Or did you think it was the norm not to marry and it’s a bit odd feeling like you’re unusual? Or are you just fed up going to expensive weddings? Or something else?

Plenty of people don’t get married. I personally prefer to be married, and there are good tax and legal reasons to do it (though less than there used to be). But for sure, doing it because other people are is a terrible reason.

Don’t forget you can get all the legal side sorted with a civil partnership, or with a brief ceremony at the register office. But it’s true that you are just as married after that, if you in fact don’t want to do it.

Its unromantic but marriage is just a legal contract. There are pros and cons to being married/unmarried and you need to decide together which is better for you both as a team.

We were together a very long time before we got married. We had our reasons for it, and it used to annoy me when other people questioned it, but we were happy as we were. But then over time the reasons in favour of marriage finally tipped the balance, so we did a 2 witnesses at the town hall affair.

A dear friend of mine didn’t marry for 25 years. Then she did. And she’s quite pissed off that she did, because her relationship got very rocky during Covid and she has far more money than her husband. She wishes she’d stayed as she was. Tbh though I don’t think she would see her partner of now 30 years struggling, whether they were married or not.

We have been together for 30+ years. We live together & own a house together but we are not married & have no plans to marry. We stay together because we both want to, not because we have entered into a contract to do so. I acknowledge that this arrangement may not suit most people, and would not necessarily recommend it to everyone, but we are not ‘most people’.

We married recently after being together a long time due to the coming change to inheritance tax .
Look it up to check whether it will impact you .

A will isn't enough if there is tax to pay.

You’ve posted many similar threads, I think you’d benefit from chatting to people who know you in real life as you seem quite troubled by these decisions and the situation is complicated.

Check and see if the legal document would benefit you both, consider the property you or she own, what would happen if one person dies, etc.

Personally I would not be a long term girlfriend to anyone, I made that clear when my now-husband was just a boyfriend. I wanted us to legally be each others family, not just housemates.
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

We did a civil partnership this year after 30 years, costing 80 quid 😃

We did it for Inheritance Tax reason after a family bereavment, tidying things up for our adult children. I was never fussed about being married and had everything sorted financially. The only thing you can't avoid and does need marriage/civil partnership is IHT thresholds and being able to pass to a spouse so once you have a property and some assets and kids, you probably will have to think about it once Will planning etc. In my thirties I barely gave it a second thought (had joint mortgages, life insurance, wills and pension expressions for wish though).

@Bulbsbulbsbulbs

There to go , I did it for you .
Especially read the last bit .

Impact on Individuals and Estates
The UK’s nil rate band remains at £325,000 per person, with a transferable band for spouses or civil partners up to £650,000. Residence nil rate band adds up to £175,000 per person for passing on a main home to children or descendants, giving a potential tax-free amount of up to £1 million for married couples or civil partners

Royal London
.
The government estimates that in 2027-2028, approximately 10,500 estates will pay IHT for the first time due to these changes, and around 38,500 estates will see an increased IHT liability

. Estates already near or exceeding these thresholds could owe significant tax if substantial pension assets are involved.

• Married couples or civil partners: The nil rate band and residence nil rate band are transferable, offering some protection.
• Unmarried couples: No transfer of allowances is possible, so liabilities could be higher if substantial assets are left to a partner

As we’re very much undecided about it at the moment.

Also, is there anyone on here who is an unmarried long term couple and have kids. Is this normal socially?

Why are you feeling depressed? Either you both want to marry or you don't - it's a personal & practical decision, not a measure of your relationship or your love for each other.

We got married to have children. I wouldn't make the even bigger commitment of having kids until we were prepared to share all our assets and make a public commitment to each other. Others will think this is unnecessary and silly, which is fair enough, but it wasn't silly to me.

Your post is a bit dramatic OP - there are millions of unmarried couples, you're hardly an oddity.

We married purely because of a visa issue. I can honestly say that I’d not have married otherwise. A wedding just didn’t interest me. We have 3 grown up kids and have been a couple for 26 years. I think it’s quite normal, though I’d say unusual.

Another person here who is confused about why you are depressed by other people getting married.

If you want to get married, get married.

If you don’t, don’t.

If you “aren’t sure”, is that because you aren’t sure if your DP is “the one” and you are feeling stuck? There’s nothing like another couple’s wedding to make you rethink your own relationship. If you aren’t going to be happy spending the rest of your life with this person, better for both of you to split up now.

My DH and I were together 30 years before we got married. It was for financial and legal reasons. Looking back I put myself in a really vulnerable position regarding having a baby and taking time away from work. But everything worked out fine.

We never gave a stuff about what other people did - we did what felt right for us.

Been together 25 years, not married and have 2 kids. No plans for marriage.