Is it strange to be a couple long term and never marry?

[Benny91]

As me and my girlfriend are both 33 and are seeing people around our age obviously get married and are feeling strange about it as we’ve been together for 7 years! Is it an absolute societal expectation or norm that if you’re a long term couple that you must marry?

Is there any other couples on here that are in a similar situation to us?

If you are married, what made you want to marry?

It just makes me depressed at the moment that everyone’s getting married and we both don’t know what to do going forward.

Marriage is a serious business. It's not something you do after a set period of time and if you don't want to get married and see no reason to you absolutely shouldn't. Marriage isn't just to do with love. Who do you want to make medical decisions for you if you're incapacitated, who do you want to leave your share of any property to? Do you want kids? If so whose surname will they have? What happens if you split up? Are you both protected financially? Will you both be protected financially 10/ 30 years down the line if one of you gets sick and can't work or if one of you goes part time to raise children? Is it a mutual decision not to get married? Is it because deep down you are keeping your options open or do you believe the myth it's 'just a piece of paper'?

No of course not, but it's one reason you might choose to get married. I was simply saying we have no reason to.

Me and my partner have been together for 13 years. Zero desire to get married. We don’t have kids or anything which I understand some women want to protect themselves financially for that reason but I don’t have that issue.

No one cares socially but if your estate is over £325k you pay iht at 40% above that on first death. There’s a spousal exemption on first death if you are married. That’s the reason for deathbed weddings. Can cost couples literally thousands in tax to remain unmarried.

Yeah depressingly this is only reason we might actually get married.

Haha are you my dp?! We are 33 together for 7 years and unmarried and he keeps bringing up marriage. Although we also have 2 kids.

Oh wow I had no idea about this. If I ever have that sort of wealth in the future I’ll have to get married then.

Yep! Or the poor survivor has to sell the house to pay the tax! And will regret their life choices…

What are you undecided about?

As someone who did a law degree I was very clear that buying a house and having kids the legal benefits of a marriage contract was a necessity for me particularly in terms of having maternity leave

I didn’t do it for society reasons but the fact I didn’t want to do those life decisions without the legal security of a marriage

stikl happily married but I would not now I have kids get married again because I want all the legal stuff now to be for my children and would not want to screw up their inheritance by getting married again

This is a completely unjudgemental question. It never even occurred to me until it occurred in the family...

Those who happy cohabiting... have you thought about disability or terminal illness? My Uncles wife said it was a lot easier navigating my Uncles cancer diagnosis and treatment (and End of Life Care) as a spouse rather than just a partner. They had married in their 60s only months before the diagnosis after a few years together.

We recently got married after 14 years together. For us it was just the final thing to do. We had kids first, not sure why, it’s just the way it all sort of happened.

There's no such thing.

I think it's because they wanna act all high and mighty about being against the idea of "needing to be married"

Been together 10 years and not married but engaged. The thing that changed it for me was that I want the same surname as my son.

Yes indeed. Went to a funeral not long ago for a man who died unexpectedly aged 70. His partner, similar age and retired, is facing remortgaging to pay the inheritance tax on their very ordinary London terraced house, bought for a song decades ago. No idea why they had never married. Very expensive decision.

My friend and her partner have been together since uni - well over 30 years now. Mortgage, kids, etc. No plans to do it AFAIK - wish they would though, I love a good party, lol.

We were together for 25 years before we decided to get married and we did it the cheapest way possible! We had got to a stage in our lives where we thought it would be easier in future if we were married. Looking back, we probably should have done it sooner.

Are you for real? Why are you so focused on what is “socially normal” and do you not
know many people?

I know couples who are in long term relationships and not married. Even as a child I knew of adults in that situation such as my next door neighbours who had two kids.

It’s sad to think people are out there and getting married or not getting married or having kids or not based on “societal norms” or what’s popular in their social circle.

Kind of reinforces what I’ve known for a long time about the sheep mentality in society. No wonder so many are unhappy. It’s all about keeping up with the joneses and fitting in and conforming, instead of figuring out what works for you and your values and your vision.

Some people don't want to be married because of the patriarchal connotations of marriage (with women historically being treated as property or the continuing practice of having to state father's name and occupation on the marriage certificate...but not the mother's) - or the societal traditional expectations associated with marriage.

(I'm married, but I think it's positive heterosexual couples have the option of civil partnership).

Also for anyone think they don’t want a wedding or a “big day” there is no need for any of that. All you need is two witnesses who can be any two people off the street. I think some people use that as an excuse tbf. A wedding and a marriage are two different things.

Yes this. Even the name appeals to me "partnership". Implies an equality that is lacking in traditions around marriage

I’ve been with my partner for 27 years, we 3 children together. Very happy

OP a lot of posters on here have highlighted the legal contract aspect of a marriage, that obviously couples who have decided to have children/buy property together etc then the contract side makes sense.

However, the other side is the public declaration of your relationship status. It’s standing up in front of everyone and declaring this is the person you will be with until you die. You can’t imagine loving anyone the way you love this person. It’s a level of certainty for each other and for everyone else. Everyone knows your relationship status when you say “my wife” not “my girlfriend” (which could mean the person you are dating but not living with, or someone you are committed to, doesn’t really make it clear).

Do you think it’s more the public declaration side that’s causing your depression? Either that you think people won’t see your relationship as equally important as your friends’ relationship, or that you don’t feel like your relationship is equal? Is it that your friends are certain their partner is the person they will be with until death and while you love your girlfriend, you’re not sure yet? If it’s making you uncomfortable, is it that you haven’t made that lifelong commitment to your partner and didn’t realise everyone else is at that stage?

Marriage is an important contract, so if you do think this is “the one” it’s not a bad thing to discuss it and decide if the legal side would be good for you. If she’s not “the one” then after so long, you owe her the truth.

We both had disastrous 1st marriages, decided we wouldn't it again. Had our DD, she was a baby,so if DH had died, everything would have gone to his mother or siblings,all of which he was NC with. Mortgage had to be in his name only, I had a ccj,so that would have been an issue. Ended up being engaged for 10 years,big mortgage and he got maid redundant 5 times in 8 years. I said next year,that's it, We're going to get married. That was 26 years ago.

Sometimes people confuse ‘getting married’ (e.g having a ceremony and lots of fuss) with the act of being married - commitment, legal protection and all it brings. A good friend of mine wants to ‘be married’ to her partner but doesn’t want a wedding day as such. At some point they’ll just go to a register office to make it official.

I would think at age 33 and after 7 years together, you’d know whether this was the person you wanted to spend your life with. If so and you plan to have children and a mortgage together, marriage is a good choice.