Is it strange to be a couple long term and never marry?

[Benny91]

As me and my girlfriend are both 33 and are seeing people around our age obviously get married and are feeling strange about it as we’ve been together for 7 years! Is it an absolute societal expectation or norm that if you’re a long term couple that you must marry?

Is there any other couples on here that are in a similar situation to us?

If you are married, what made you want to marry?

It just makes me depressed at the moment that everyone’s getting married and we both don’t know what to do going forward.

Of course it is. Completely normal. How do you not know anyone who is unmarried and has kids?

But what is it that you're undecided about? That you're not sure you want to spend the rest of your lives together, or that neither of you see the value in marriage itself? (Both of these are perfectly valid and acceptable views, by the way.)

Marriage (in the UK, at least), is a financial contract. It's not a romantic fairy tale. If you want the option to flee later (valid)/don't want to be legally economically entwined, don't get married. If you want the financial benefits/burdens that marriage can bring, then get married.

I was dh for 6 years before we got married. He would have got married much sooner but I wasnt bothered.
However once I had our first child he pushed for marriage and I agreed.

Dh and I are a similar age to you, we were together for 13 years before we married and like you, we have seen a lot of friends marry over the past 5 years, but we had the house, a dog (the reason we actually bought) and children

Then last year on a whim he said lets do it.
He's never been interested but knew it was something I wanted as a "final tie"

I'll never know why he changed his mind, and I won't ask. All I know is he spoke to my mum and asked for one of my nans rings which he gave me on valentines day.

I was happy to remain unmarried, the house, our pensions, life insurance, all our policies are in place to protect eachother in the event of a death, I guess there wasn't the protection that marriage offers in the event of a break up, but we don't plan that.

Am I glad we are married, yes because it formalised and finalised the ties of our relationship. It has caused issues as I am an established professional and changing my name has been a pain in the bum.

*edit spelling

I am also baffled by your thread/posts @Benny91 If you're 'depressed' about not being married, (as you're seeing loads of people around you getting married,) then get married! Unless your partner doesn't want to, does she want to?

I know a few couples who have been together for some years (and have kids together) who have never got married, but I still think it's odd. JMO, but I think if people are going to have children together they should get married first. Again, JMO, and I'm entitled to think that, just as people are entitled to think you don't need to be married to have children.

Although, I don't understand a couple being together for many years (without children) not getting married either. It's not just a piece of paper as some people say; it's a very important, legal document that protects both parties.

I get why people may not want to get married again if they're a bit older - say 45+) and have been married before, but I don't get why someone doesn't want to get married - ever - and are in a relationship long term and never married... I always think it's because they're waiting or someone better to come along.

I guess it’s fine if you really love paying tax

If you are going to have a child together or make other life choices that negatively impact on one person's earning's or career trajectory (moving to chase a promotion), and even more so if the decision propels the others career forward as well, then marriage is the most straightforward way of protecting the interests of the person (most often the women) who had sacrificed their career. It is important to remember when having kids, that that just because you both plan to keep full time careers going doesn't always work out that way due to disabled kids and birthing injuries.

Bottom line is that marriage is a financial contract, not an excuse for a big party or a grande romantic gesture.

We have been together for 20 years and not married. I got roasted on MN for this before but in reality nobody actually cares. Is it common - I would say not (where I live) , but is it socially accepted - absolutely.

We have 2 DC in primary school, a joint mortgage on a joint house and can both be financially independent. We've had legal advice, financial advice and are comfortable with our situation.

Inheritance tax though! I have been responsible for about 10 weddings / CPs when clients are told the reality of being unmarried on death. Ouch.

14 years, kids, not married.
I see marriage as a legal contract.
We've investigated the legal and financial implications and if we're still together we'll get a civil partnership when/if we have the money to benefit from it

Getting married makes you family, not just living together. This suits some people, same as some people just want to get married.

some living together couples do so because one or the other is still hoping something better will come along.

from what you are saying, you’re depressed about life, looking at marriage … maybe you should be looking at whether you are in this out of habit.

ive known several people who split up when soon after they get marriage if they were already together for more than , say, nine years!

Yes. I know a couple been together 19 years. Engaged for about 10 and don't even live together. Only see eachother 1 or 2 nights a week. Makes me wonder why they are together or why bother getting engaged 😮

It baffles me only if and when they live together and have kids together and have family and all that.

But I guess the reason is "oh I don't want them taking half my stuff". Even though UKSC ruled to uphold prenups given certain conditions are specific fair conditions are met.

Hi Op, I got together with my husband when we were 20, still students and we didn't get married for 10 years. We were young, sorting our careers, pretty broke, moving around the country finding work and renting for most of it. When we finally got our careers sorted, had disposable income and had settled in the same city for a few years, considering buying a house and saw kids in our future, thats when we decided to get married.

Personally I think its really important to get married if you are considering kids, you're each others next of kin and I think it shows you're committed as a team as having kids is hard work. It also offers legal protections as one parent may be more disadvantaged if they need to do more childcare and take a career hit.

If you don't intend to have kids then maybe getting married isn't as big an issue. Are you wanting kids OP?

me and DP were together for 23 years before we went down the Civil Partnership route and only did that for legal reasons otherwise we wouldn't have bothered.

Are you a straight couple? If so why get a civil partnership over an actual marriage?

It's becoming more and more commonplace. Most people will not bat an eyelid about this.

It's entirely up to you if you and your girlfriend choose to get married or not. Nobody else gets a say.

We got married in our mid twenties but know a lot of couples who have never bothered

DH’s mum and stepdad have been together for 40 odd years and have never married. DH has younger brothers. DH has his mum’s surname and his brothers have their dads. It doesn’t seem at all odd.

For us, marriage had nothing to do with any sort of financial or legal protection because neither of us have a pot to pee in, no assets, both pensions are equally as crap and with the best will in the world, I’m not making it to retirement age. It just wasn’t enough to be his partner. I wanted to be tied to him in every possible way. And, touch wood, it’s all working out lovely. I’m not a Mrs and I didn’t change my name, but there’s no way we can be more legally committed to each other.

But, if you’re not sure, then don’t bow to that peer pressure. Marriage isn’t for everyone. One of you might have more assets than the other and that’s difficult to sort out without either causing offence or leaving yourself wide open. And sometimes you can be perfectly happy and content, with no intention of going anywhere, and just not see the need to change anything. It just works as it is.

If you’ve posted about this before and are still worrying about it, then I wonder if you’re just going too deep into it and trying to decide whether the fact that neither of you are sure about it is a sign that you shouldn’t be together? If that’s the case, then all you really need to ask yourself is whether the relationship is healthy and whether they make you happy. If the answer to both of those questions is yes, then that’s enough. That’s really all you need. You’re not any more or less in love because you don’t have a marriage certificate.

DH’s mum and stepdad have been together for 40 odd years and have never married. DH has younger brothers. DH has his mum’s surname and his brothers have their dads. It doesn’t seem at all odd.

For us, marriage had nothing to do with any sort of financial or legal protection because neither of us have a pot to pee in, no assets, both pensions are equally as crap and with the best will in the world, I’m not making it to retirement age. It just wasn’t enough to be his partner. I wanted to be tied to him in every possible way. And, touch wood, it’s all working out lovely. I’m not a Mrs and I didn’t change my name, but there’s no way we can be more legally committed to each other.

But, if you’re not sure, then don’t bow to that peer pressure. Marriage isn’t for everyone. One of you might have more assets than the other and that’s difficult to sort out without either causing offence or leaving yourself wide open. And sometimes you can be perfectly happy and content, with no intention of going anywhere, and just not see the need to change anything. It just works as it is.

If you’ve posted about this before and are still worrying about it, then I wonder if you’re just going too deep into it and trying to decide whether the fact that neither of you are sure about it is a sign that you shouldn’t be together? If that’s the case, then all you really need to ask yourself is whether the relationship is healthy and whether they make you happy. If the answer to both of those questions is yes, then that’s enough. That’s really all you need. You’re not any more or less in love because you don’t have a marriage certificate.

I know 3 couples that have live together for over 30 years. Two dont have children and the one that does has a contract which gives them the same rights as a married couple.

Do and I have been together unmarried for nearly 40 years. AMA!!

Think about what you'd like to happen if one of you died unexpectedly.

Your partner is not your next of kin/wife, so anything she'd inherit would be taxable, and if you haven't made a will she won't inherit anything as she's not your next of kin (and vice versa obvs).

Yes us. We've been together 21 years, kids are 9 and 13. I can't see the point in getting married, we aren't religious, I've never had any interest the idea of a "big day". Don't have any family pressure to do so. Also worth noting, we earn the same and I'm fully financially independent, which I know could be a risk otherwise.

We do know some other couples who also aren't married. One couple I know recently did get married after about 20 years, but only for financial reasons (they were doing their will at the time).
So, in our social circle it's not unusual at all - and it's becoming less so generally I think.

Yeah this. I find it bizarre for a male-female couple to have a 'civil partnership.' That was created for same sex couples, before marriage for same-sex couples became a thing. 'Civil partnership' should be binned now. There is absolutely no need for it.

You don't have to be 'religious' to get married.