Is it strange to be a couple long term and never marry?

[Benny91]

As me and my girlfriend are both 33 and are seeing people around our age obviously get married and are feeling strange about it as we’ve been together for 7 years! Is it an absolute societal expectation or norm that if you’re a long term couple that you must marry?

Is there any other couples on here that are in a similar situation to us?

If you are married, what made you want to marry?

It just makes me depressed at the moment that everyone’s getting married and we both don’t know what to do going forward.

Yes, this is something that,as an unmarried woman, I bang on about all the time. Incidentally, I don’t think us long term unmarrieds are “too cool for school”. I do think however, that some people regard marriage as a sort of life trophy. Something to be proud of. You see that on a lot of threads about name changing. And when I was younger, I often experienced a sort of head-tilty “You poor thing, hasn’t he popped the question yet? Never mind,one day..” attitude, and an indulgent “Yes of course, dear” when I pointed out that it was me saying no not him not asking!

As I’ve mentioned we were together over 40 years before getting a CP for financial reasons but I was surprised to learn recently that my great-grandparents were together 45 years from 1885 until 1930 when they finally married. The state pension was higher for married couples so they probably did it for financial reasons as well.

:-)

But you do get the IHT etc implications if you have a joint tenancy and what it means? For both if one of you or both of you die? Which will happen at some point

and I agree it is the notion that marriage is some kind of trophy that a woman has found a man willing to do so that is the issue rather than re-centring it for what it now is

Yes, I do. If you’re bored enough one day you could find my posts on the subject!🤣

To reassure others, my unmarried status has never restricted my travels. Or anything else, except briefly, my relationship with dp’s father. But he came round.

Sorry, this post was in response to @Pnnnd

Been together 20 years and have a 4 year old DS. Not married. Never caused us the slightest issue.

Never had any interest in getting married until recently. Assets are broadly split in half and we both have big pension funds.

The government’s changes to IHT rules regarding pensions means we have to get married or have a civil partnership by April 2027 to protect our DS’s inheritance.

We’ll book something at the local registry office and won’t tell anyone.

It may well have been impossible for one or both of them to marry earlier, given how hard divorce was. I bet they pretended to be married. The stigma of living outside wedlock would have been considerable, especially with children.

I am a very risk averse person and I also don't like spending money unnecessarily, which may be why I don't understand why people don't take the precaution of getting a civil partnership or simple register office wedding if it would give them various benefits and protections they can't get otherwise without spending a lot of money on solicitors' fees. Many unmarried couples may indeed sail through life with no difficulties as a result of not having legal recognition of their partnership. Unfortunately, some will have significant problems, and will realise too late that these were avoidable. I see it as a necessary administrative task much like taking out contents insurance.

Oh gosh yes, they definitely pretended to be married. They left their home town just after their first child was born and raised their family 200 miles away. She was always referred to as Mrs Married Name name on censuses and the children’s birth certificates. You’ve given me something to think about as it never occurred to me that one or both of them might have already been married but never divorced. Want to investigate now, thank you!

That you don’t like it yes

i assume then that your assets are under the 325k threshold (the extra won’t count on a joint tenancy to an unmarried partner) so you won’t get IHT

because yes for married couples the nearly 1 million threshold means not many will get caught

if not married I think 325k might hit a few more

You're welcome! One situation where I believe it was particularly difficult was when the first wife or husband was in a mental hospital, which back then was likely to be permanent, because you couldn't get a divorce from them. The novelist William Makepeace Thackeray was in that position. George Lewes, the life partner of George Eliot (Mary Ann Evans) was unable to divorce his wife because he knew he was not the father of four of her eight children (!) but had agreed to be named as father on the birth certificate, so was complicit in her adultery. Tough times!

@columnatedruinsdomino This type of arrangement has come up quite a lot on Who Do You Think You Are? Often eloping men are said to have “died” to explain them leaving.

Thanks both of you, I'm looking forward to finding out more.

My husband and I married 6 months ago after being together for 30 years. He had 2 failed marriages and was reluctant to marry but I was prepared to wait for him to be ready, ok it took a long time but got there in the end.

I’m late 40s and know quite a few couples (with kids) that are definitely not married despite being together for 20 or so years and like it that way

it would bother me to not be my partner’s next of kin but not sure if that really is important these days. I def would want my kids to have the same name as me which is difficult for both parents if not married unless you go down the deed poll route. But marriage does give me significant protection of assets if things go wrong, which is probably the biggest benefit

finally at my age I wouldn’t want to have a “boyfriend” or “partner” I want a husband! But that’s a person thing of course

Im late 40s other half mid 50s been together 12 years have a child and have never married
We got engaged after a year and have lived together over 10 years and just never done it. Neither of us has been married before .i have a grown up daughter who got married 2 years ago and recently had their first baby

Nope, not strange at all. Myself and my partner have been together over 17 years and have children and have never married. Absolutely doesn't bother us.
Don't feel under any pressure!

10 years deep, mortgage, dog, two kids, no ring 🤣

Guess all that extra tax is great for the exchequer!

It's absolutely fine to do either! I've been with my partner for nearly 13 years and not married. We don't feel the need. You do realise it's 2025 don't you??

On the back of this thread ive been thinking about friend, colleagues and acquaintances in long term relationships and there's loads.

My mums friend had been with her partner until his death 2023.They got together in 1971. She had a child born in 1965 but the relationship with the child's father didnt last the year after the baby was born

My colleague has been with his partner since 2001, they have a fabulous life together but no intention of getting married.

My best friend has been his her partner 16 years, again, happy as they are, they are both mid 50s now.

My colleague In different team has a a child in year 11, still with child's dad, not getting married.
Theres are quite a few more
Once I started thinking about relationships there are loads that are happy to keep on keeping on!

Personally I cant see an issue. People do what they want to do.

Well , consider it, you're not each others NOK, and you won't be allowed to make any decisions on each others behalf.

We've known issues where long term partners were barred from deathbed, parents/children over ruled wishes, made decisions for the dying person etc.

Make sure your wills are water tight too.

All the unmarried long term people (especially with kids) consider getting married

You're not each others NOK, and you won't be allowed to make any decisions on each others behalf.

We've known issues where long term partners were barred from deathbed, parents/children over ruled wishes, made decisions for the dying person etc.

Make sure your wills are water tight too.