Is it strange to be a couple long term and never marry?

[Benny91]

As me and my girlfriend are both 33 and are seeing people around our age obviously get married and are feeling strange about it as we’ve been together for 7 years! Is it an absolute societal expectation or norm that if you’re a long term couple that you must marry?

Is there any other couples on here that are in a similar situation to us?

If you are married, what made you want to marry?

It just makes me depressed at the moment that everyone’s getting married and we both don’t know what to do going forward.

What 'contract' can possibly give the same financial protection as being married?

Other than a civil partnership.

And that is the same as being married. Even though some people don't like to think of it as such.

Yes there is. They’re called civil partnerships. They have the exact same legal effects (tax, pensions, inheritance etc) straight couples can have a civil partnership.

Agreed.. Same thing, different name.

As I said, up until a few months ago we had been together for 30 years with 4 kids (all our children). Do a civil partnership if you get to the stage of having kids is my advice. They are not exactly the same as a marriage, but are functionally the same (but easier and cheaper to dissolve, or 'divorce') an offer they exactly same ability to transfer assets for inheritance tax and offer same legal protections.

Civil partnership is just marriage boiled down to its constituent parts - the legal parts of marriage without the vows and any religious element (the pomp and circumstance)

it gives the inheritance tax benefits the pension rights the parental responsibility

We've been together 25 years, joint mortgage and have 2 adult children. Marriage is not for everyone and not a guarantee you'll stay together. We've know people who have been together years, got married then split up. We are happy as we are so why fix something that's not broken. Do what makes you happy.

“We've know people who have been together years, got married then split up.”

YES exactly this! This is why I don’t want to get married after 13 years with my partner. I know so many people this has happened to. I think it adds pressure to a relationship is my guess as to why it happens.

Or the relationship was in trouble, they get married to try and fix the problem, and make it worse.

Marriage can't fix a broken relationship or guarantee a relationship

Yes we are a straight couple. We didn't have a wedding because of all the nonsense like exchanging rings, vows etc. I've been married twice before and the rings and vows meant nothing to both exes so other than the legal need there's no point in wasting money on a wedding. We did our CP during our lunchbreak (still wearing work clothes), and went back to work after. As far as we're concerned it's no big deal and apart from DD, DP's dad and HMRC nobody else has a clue we've done it which is fine by us

I don't think it's particularly unusual because I was one! We did get married after 22 years though (because he got cancer and I was worried about imminent death and me and the kids being up shit creek).

If you've been together for 7 years, your social circle is full of people getting married, you are both in your mid 30s with no individual children/houses/assets that you are concerned about...

Yeah I'd see it as a red flag that you are just a bit undecided and vague.

OP are you a man? (Since you mention having a gf and wanting kids)

To me this pattern is more "man is happy to keep shacking up with random woman he met ages ago but is dragging his feet because deep down he knows she is not the one - in 2 years time he will fall in love with a 25yo from work and marry her within a year"

So I don't think "yes love transcends pieces of paper" is the right response here. OP - make a decision quickly before your gf ages out of her reproductive years.

Of course you don’t have to get married. People get married because they want to…

Im 30 and got married last year. Because I wanted to be my husbands wife, to be a legal family, to join our finances and future.

But I have friends who say they’ll never marry because they dislike the institution of it. And that’s fine.

You either want to get married or you don’t want to get married. If you want a wedding but not a marriage I’d suggest not bothering.

We’ve been together for years and have never married. We have children who are late teens and early 20s now. In our group of friends about 70% are married. I was never concerned with societal norms, we just lived our life how we wanted to. It was me who was against marriage, but he wasn’t bothered enough to push the issue. Neither of us were ever financially vulnerable and it is important to have that side of things covered.

Nope, not at all. As I've stated in another reply, I've been married twice, have no desire to do it again but the law says that in order for our relationship to be recognised by the state we either have to be married or have a CP...we went down the CP route. I'm not sure why that choice bothers you so much, you did the legal stuff your way, we did it ours, it's really not that deep.

We mainly got married because we actively didn't want children (still don't, now in our early 40s) and we both felt people would take us more seriously as a united front, and possibly be a bit less nosey, if we got married.
I could just imagine some people saying "Hmmm, no kids, never married, something's not right there".
Not my view, but I can just imagine this coming from a judgemental friend of my mums, or an aunty, or nosey neighbour.

A registry marriage - done by a registrar - is also not allowed to include any religion. It’s still called a marriage legally.

I mean congratulations to you. As far as I know exchanging rings and vows are optional? And my AI search tells me the minimum costs for a marriage and civil partnership are equal. Anyway doesn't matter at all. Congrats to you.

My personal view was when the Tories fully legalised gay marriage there was no need to have civil partnerships. Just have marriages for people who want to get a legal union to recognise their relationship.

DP of 18 years, 3 children and we never married.

Helps that we didn't have any assets or substantial savings (we rented and had a joint tenancy, each had a similar amount of savings and similar incomes and pensions)

There wasn't any need. I didn't need any financial protection.

DC have his surname, with my absolute blessing.

Oddly my friends are all in similar positions (albeit most with joint mortgages as opposed to tenancies).

I have several friends and relatives in relationships of 15/20 years +, DC, mortgages but have never married.

I would say this also. Currently society is skewed towards marriage and being unmarried can be a detriment. I’m from a country where it does not really make a material difference and I never thought I would marry. When I met DH though 25 years ago I wanted to marry him. It was a gut feeling and response. I wanted us to be tied together legally and socially and in every single way.

I agree. Civil partnership was only created as a sop to religion and social conservatives who didn't want gay couples to have the right to call their partnership 'marriage'. Now we've moved on from that I really think we should have two options in this country, religious marriage (which should be broadened to include Islamic marriage, Jewish etc which should get the same legal status and recognition as a Christian marriage) and civil marriage/ civil partnership which would cover all non religious ceremonies. Having 3 options at the moment (ie religious marriage (but only Christian counts), civil/non religious marriage, civil partnership) is just unnecessarily confusing and that's before you get into all the fandangle of people confusing the 'wedding' i.e. the party, public commitment part with the actual legal contract and making their choices around the first part without considering any of the benefits and risk of the second...

@Benny91 it's not strange, but it is very unwise from a financial perspective. See here: https://blog.moneysavingexpert.com/2025/01/martin-lewis--the-nine-big-financial-benefits-of-being-married/

DH and I got married after 2 years. We are Indian. Back then dating wasn't a thing, we just liked each other when we met at work and got married after delayed family approval.

I think now in India with my DNeices and DNephews it's common to date for marriage etc.

Personally I think just having one legal marriage (and then people doing whatever religious ceremony they want privately) is fine. That's my view.

PP solidified her relationship with her DP with a civil partnership. Fair enough to her. It's her choice and probably very silly and rude of me to berate and judge.

This.
Do what you want. So many people get divorced now anyway.

So a marriage in all but name.... Ridiculous point to make and even stupider to describe it not as a marriage as if it's some kind of other. They're the same thing.