Is it strange to be a couple long term and never marry?

[Benny91]

As me and my girlfriend are both 33 and are seeing people around our age obviously get married and are feeling strange about it as we’ve been together for 7 years! Is it an absolute societal expectation or norm that if you’re a long term couple that you must marry?

Is there any other couples on here that are in a similar situation to us?

If you are married, what made you want to marry?

It just makes me depressed at the moment that everyone’s getting married and we both don’t know what to do going forward.

It is fine not to marry (and in some circumstances recommended) if you understand what it means in terms of tax (inheritance/marriage allowance etc) dying without a will state pensions parental responsibility who is the next of kin etc

some of which can be sorted with other documents (having a will and next of kin etc) and some (the tax ones and inheritance tax) which can’t.

getting married or a civil partnership needs to be an informed choice

Maybe just have one. It's a legal Union.

Religious ceremony and stuff is done for those who want to. Can be done by consenting private individuals.

DH and I were together for 8 years before deciding to marry, the main push was that we moved abroad and I hadn't secured a job yet so we looked at it from my POV and security.

Children weren't planned then but that would have been the ulitmate point, children only when married.

DH's cousin and his partner are together for around 40 years, no children, both worked full time until retirement, they never married. I think they do have wills and contracts regarding property and PoAs and feel that is enough legal work for them.

There's a lot of mention on this thread and similar ones I've seen in the past about what happens if the couple split up. People also need to think about what happens if one partner dies. If you are committed life partners you must make sure you have made wills in each other's favour (if that's what you want to do). An unmarried partner will inherit absolutely nothing under the intestacy laws. It will all go to the deceased's blood relatives.

I imagine most of the unmarried partners posting on this thread have seen to this, but judging by how often an unmarried partner posts in absolute despair because she has discovered she is entitled to nothing at all from her ex-partner after they've split up, there must be some people out there who don't realise that they have no legal protection at all unless they put it in place.

It's right and proper that there should be no automatic protection for unmarried couples. Marriage should always be a positive choice. Lots of partners want to protect their assets for the children of an earlier relationship and would not want the state to intervene and hand over a big chunk to a newish partner instead.

No not at all

Together 18 years. Not married yet. Engaged a few years but no plans to marry. It’s too expensive to marry.

Relatives of mine were together for 25 years before marrying, and they've now been happily married for a further 9 years.
None of us ever commented - it was what worked for them.

Wow what an angry seething person you are. What’s going on in your life to make you so volitile? Also do a tiny bit of research before such an angry response as they are absolutely NOT the exact same. Here are some of the differences in laws and entitlements:

• Bereavement benefits: Married spouses qualify for full Bereavement Support Payment/Widowed Parent’s Allowance; civil partners qualify only if the deceased paid sufficient NI contributions after 2001 (earlier gaps may reduce or exclude entitlement).
• Consummation: Marriage can be voided for non-consummation; civil partnership cannot be voided on this basis.
• International recognition: Marriage universally recognized abroad; civil partnership often not (may affect immigration, inheritance, etc.).
• Adultery as ground for dissolution: Adultery is a legal ground for divorce in marriage; it is not a ground for dissolving a civil partnership (behavior-based grounds only).
• Presumption of parentage: Marriage presumes the husband is the father of any child born to the wife; civil partnership has no automatic presumption of parentage for the non-birth partner.

It's not expensive at all to marry or get a civil partnership. You presumably mean weddings are expensive. You don't have to have one. Going without all the legal protections of marriage because you haven't saved up enough for a wedding is not sensible.

Heratio is completely wrong. I’ve listed the differences in entitlements/laws in a previous post.

Not weird at all!

Thank you wise one.

My Chatgpt query tells me they both cost £140 for the very minimum of just getting the basic legal requirements done.

You don't have £142.50 with you and your DP together?

I think it dpends on your social circle - marriage is more common in higher social ecnomic groups - but fairly standard for there be long term no marriage no civil parntership with and without kids.

It's best to undertand the legal financial implications of that for both parties - but actaully not always best to marry finacially depends on individual circumstances.

Do you think it’s more the public declaration side that’s causing your depression? Either that you think people won’t see your relationship as equally important as your friends’ relationship, or that you don’t feel like your relationship is equal?

I wondered if it this - or is there someone round you making you feel this.

I have to admit I did think marraige might shift our families views - not reason we did it - but no still saw our relationship as temp one side and lesser another - we've lasted and so many "better" relationship haven't so they clearly no nothing. We knew we were on same life plan and had consistantly been so for over a decade.

DH & I finally tied the knot when our youngest was 11. We did it in the end simply so things would be easier logistically for who-ever outlived the other (no need for probate, etc).

Does anyone know people in real life that refused to get married as one didn't want to forfeit assets in a divorce proceeding?

It is possible to put in place all the protections that marriage gives, with the exception of inheritance tax and some bereavement benefits with the aid of Either a solicitor or google.

Which begs the question why not get married if you want all these benefits?

Agreed. I see people talking about patriarchy and religion, neither of which have had anything to do with getting married in a registry office for many decades now. It must cost quite a bit to try to replicate all the legal stuff with a solicitor.

Still, each to her own, as long as the implications of getting married or not getting married are clearly understood.

Jesus don’t try and shame people for not being able to afford a wedding. My finances are none of your business to be fair.

My point was general. Weddings can be expensive. Don’t take it so literally just to win points on the internet? Why can’t anyone say anything on Mumsnet without some sour old witch jumping on with a snidey remark like “you don’t have £142.50 with you and your DP together?” so elitist and sneery about money. What if we don’t? Does that make you feel superior?

Happy Halloween.

legal marriage is a contract that is really only about property rights and tax. I’m not sure that is makes much difference nowadays if you have children with the advent of 50/50 custody etc, and of course we have no fault divorce now.

if you have children with someone and are going to sacrifice your career to care for them then yes marriage means any assets are shared in a divorce. But if you have no kids and are not worried about how your partner will fare if they outsurvive you then no need for a legal marriage.

today I am celebrating 25 years with my fella. We got married 4 years ago because of tax position and to ensure we each others legal next of kin as neither of us are close to our families. We never acknowledge the anniversary of the CP we did as it wasn’t important to us, more imposed by government rules. But today is a special day for us and always will be. We were just wondering if both of us would live long enough to see the back of the next 25 years! Cheers :-)

@NattyKnitter116 It makes a huge difference! You can share dc but if the msn owns the house, his cohabiting partner has NO rights to that house. Women in the least advantageous position should marry. Any lawyer would advise this.

That seems to have gone up a lot. Maybe it depends where you live. Ours cost just over £50 as it was on a Monday in the smallest room, bare minimum in terms of ceremony. Mostly an identity check and signing a document. Even that was hard going for me as I hate having attention like that. It was nice afterwards though. We drank a lot of Prosecco with our two witnesses and had fish and chips for our tea.

@lucya66 The cost of a wedding can be low. However it should be done if dc are involved and one partner has substantially more than the other. Eg the house they live in.