Feeling ill over boyfriend’s parents

[Lunalara]

Hey wonderful people of Mumsnet,

I am really struggling to cope with their nitpicking of my faults. The mother is really nice to me in person, but then decides to criticise me to the boyfriend, who agrees with her most of the time. Even on days out when I am by myself, my boyfriend will send me a text. For instance, once when I was in a theme park, the mother wasn’t happy about how I didn’t say please once. I haven’t forgotten since, but she finds over issues about me and blames my issues on my anxiety.

I tell my boyfriend that he needs to stick up for himself and me. He shouldn’t be used as an intermediary between them and me. I told him that he needs to leave the room if they do that after asking them to confront me directly.

I have a generally strong relationship with my boyfriend, but his parents are trying to nitpick me all the time. I worry how this will be like in the future when we decide to have kids, but don’t want to leave an otherwise solid relationship.

Sorry if parts of that didn’t make sense I am just feeling very anxious over it and I am trying to fix my anxiety issues through counselling.

I’d find it odd if an adult never said please… wouldn’t say it to your face though. I guess, at least it’s on the table and you can reflect on whether you could say please more often.

If your BF doesn't have your back he isn't the man for you.

Your future ex-MIL isn't the issue, he is.

How do you find out what she says about you? Is it him telling you?

If so that's a major red flag and you should think about leaving him. What motivation could he have other than making you unhappy, denting your confidence and trying to manipulate you?

So is your boyfriend passing all this criticism on, and that he’s agreeing with his mum? Otherwise, if she’s nice to your face how do you know?

Why would he be telling you these things?

He just needs to walk off when they carry on, he shouldn’t engage and shouldn’t pass on any of their comments to you. The more derogatory they are, the less they see of you.

I almost always say it. It was just once that I didn’t and she complained about it.

Because he doesn’t want there to be war between me and them I guess.

It will probably get worse if you have children. If he doesn't have your back now having children won't change that. He actually sounds like he's goading you if he is telling you what they are saying behind your back.It does sound like they don't particularly like you or his mother thinks you aren't good enough for her son - some mothers are like that.

(Not saying please is bad manners on your part.)

He is not the man for you, or anyone really, he is still a wee boy on his mothers tit.

I agree, but the problem is both of us are struggling to start off our career and me seeing him depends on being able to stay over. Big part of the problem I know but I am not willingly in this position.

This was my first thought.
So she’s nice to you but you hear otherwise from your boyfriend? I’d start taking what he says with a large pinch of salt.
He doesn’t say it with kindness in his heart does he?
He wants you to feel low. I’d end it tbh.

‘Gosh, your mother complains a lot.’
👍
’I’m delighted she’s thinking about me.’
’Put her in thevphobe so we can have a chat’
’I’m glad I can rely on you to stick up for be when I’m not there to defend myself’
’Are you ok? She rants a lot doesn’t she? Some people can’t help themselves’

Any of these will do. Or don't reply at all.

This sounds terrible and I'm so sorry to hear you're being picked apart like this. I've suffered from anxiety too and you over-analyse everything. You know you have to leave him if he continues participating in this nonsense instead of pointing out to his mum how idiotic she's being- and there is NO need to report all this back to you.
Your future self,when you are no longer anxious, will be furious you put up with this instead of walking.
You're setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery otherwise.
Good luck.

I forgot to because I was in a hurry and I grew up with Spanish parents with who I don’t usually say please all the time (linguistic differences). I would accept that it isn’t a good thing to do but then she nitpicks other things as well, so I don’t think that’s the main issue.

Maybe I am to blame at least somewhat, but because I overthink and I am otherwise depressed I can’t tell at times if it’s a them issue or a me issue 😔 Surely not being able to tell someone directly is not a good thing?

No she is that type of person. I see her very critical towards him as well over the job situation.

I really don’t understand my boyfriend sometimes because before he said that they were toxic and needed counselling, but all of a sudden they are right and I am wrong?

Your boyfriend is the problem here. He is telling you this stuff purposely to upset you. Run a mile.

I guess he wants to be honest with you, but I really don't think he should tell you everything his mother says about you.

When you tell him that he has to stick up for you, what does he say? What is his answer to that?

He sounds like a mummy's boy . To coin a very famous phrase from a very famous person (RIP Diana) "there are 3 of us in this relationship"
My ex H was like this. Told his mother everything, even private stuff.
I kicked him out and it was the best days work I ever did 😆

How long have you been together?

He should be nipping this in the bud and there is certainly no need for him to be passing on her comments. Why do you think he is?

He either has your back or he is not the one. Tough to hear as you think he is but hearing constant criticism is no way to live.

When I brought up the suggestion, he seemed to agree to it, but then hasn’t done it since. Maybe I have to just tell him again?

Are you both very young. She sounds an absolute bully. I'd think about getting out now or you could be facing a lifetime of misery.