Feeling ill over boyfriend’s parents

[Lunalara]

Hey wonderful people of Mumsnet,

I am really struggling to cope with their nitpicking of my faults. The mother is really nice to me in person, but then decides to criticise me to the boyfriend, who agrees with her most of the time. Even on days out when I am by myself, my boyfriend will send me a text. For instance, once when I was in a theme park, the mother wasn’t happy about how I didn’t say please once. I haven’t forgotten since, but she finds over issues about me and blames my issues on my anxiety.

I tell my boyfriend that he needs to stick up for himself and me. He shouldn’t be used as an intermediary between them and me. I told him that he needs to leave the room if they do that after asking them to confront me directly.

I have a generally strong relationship with my boyfriend, but his parents are trying to nitpick me all the time. I worry how this will be like in the future when we decide to have kids, but don’t want to leave an otherwise solid relationship.

GET OUT NOW.

Your boyfriend is the issue and if you stay with him you have a lifetime of him picking Mummy over you. Get out now.

OP, I'm on the spectrum and I have ADHD. I have many autistic traits but not enough for a diagnosis hence the spectrum and I'm a great mum to my children. I'm sure you will be too in the right relationship. Having a child with the man who doesn't have your back will be shit. Sorry to be so blunt but it will.

I'm really sorry OP but this man isn't for the long haul.
Your boyfriend has no reason to tell you the nasty things that his DM says about you and like another person said, he should be protecting you.
To me it sounds like he enjoys telling you about the things she says knowing you are affected by it. Huge red flag.

Relationships shouldn't be like this.

It will be upsetting to break up but you will be fine after the sad period I promise you!!

Then you will have the chance to learn from this experience and learn/know what you do and don't want from a relationship and what is acceptable and what is not.

When I left my ex, his mother moved in. What she always wanted. He was her ideal husband.

You're too young to put up with this shit in your life. Let him go.

And you absolutely do not need to have children if you do not think you really want them or feel it might not be the best decision for you. Give yourself the space to think about that.

Babes I have mental health illness too.
I've had seriously low self esteem for most of my life until earlier this year when for some reason, the counselling I had worked more than any other therapy I've had in the past but boy am I a force of nature now.
I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression in 2012 and I've had more breakdowns since then but I know now that this feeling does go. I might have to work at it and that can be tough because you feel like you don't want to do anything so I make myself so the things I know I will enjoy if I made the effort. For me, walking in nature is a huge medicine.

Poorly mental health now doesn't mean you're stuck there for life even though it feels like it's never going to end. I've been there!! More than once but I found positive affirmations and sleep guided meditation and I got some courage and got rid of everyone who was making my life ill.

You should go to your local council and tell them your housing situation and see what they say. x

Honestly, your life doesn't have to be forever doom and gloom.
Being in a really shitty place now does not define your future. You define your future by the choices you make now lovely. Give yourself the best future you can by leaving this horrid toxic family

It’s good to know that I could be a good parent. Most of the people in my life don’t seem to think I would be a good one (mil and my parents). Perhaps it’s not my calling for this period and that is why I shouldn’t think too much about it now.

My boyfriend has generally treated me with a lot of care, but he has no patience for my anxiety or struggles. Then the MIL comments thing is very stupid admittedly, but at this stage I wouldn’t know who is to blame more (him or his mum).

From reading more of the thread: it sounds like you need to work out who you are as an individual, and you can't do that in the situation you are in.

Here's what I'd do if I were you: look at applying to the JET programme or anything else that is aimed at getting recent graduates to teach abroad, Get a TEFL certificate if you don't have one already, and save up whilst seeing if teaching in SE Asia might be an option for you. Look at doing a PGCE to qualify as a teacher and allow you to move out.

It has been a couple of years since I have graduated, and while doing that would appeal to me, I worry that it would lock me out of establishing myself properly once I get back.

Sweetheart, please don't stay with this guy for fear that there is no one better. You're so young!

People don't really change. If you stay, this is what your life will be like.

How would you feel if you had kids with this guy and he made them feel as sad and anxious as he is making you?

Doesn't matter. You're in exactly the right position to do this, and experience of working abroad is valuable to many employers. You aren;t even 30 yet!

I would have absolutely done this if I'd known it was an option for me at the time. But the sad thing is that I probably wouldn't, because I was in a failing relationship that I hadn't quite gathered the courage to end.

I hope you choose differently.

Most graduates now spend a couple of years or more post grad temping or doing what could be thought of as non-career jobs. My nephew has been working in a bar for three years whilst he applies for things and saves up to be able to move to London (which is unfortunately where everything in his preferred field is going to be). And as others have said, some people change careers entirely in their 30s, 40s or even 50s.

Someone I work with has just left her position at 30 to go to Australia on a Working Holiday Visa whilst she still can.

I think you would massively benefit from having space from your past and your circumstances to figure out who you are and what you want. Maybe that's overseas, maybe that's in a different career, but it's not here. You're a lovely plant in a pot that's too small for it, and you're not getting enough light or rain.

Im really relieved thay you seem to be realising how toxic this is.

Do not marry this man. There is no way that he will magically change. He is not going to suddenly start backing you after not doing so.

This leaves you with two options in the long term. Marry him and have a family with him. Your MIL will continue to pour poison in his ear and he won't stop her. They will errode your relationship and your confidence. She will do her best to turn your children against you and control your life through your DH. Is that how you want to live?

Or you leave and start again. You dont sound like you're in a great financial position at the moment. So throw all your focus into that. You dont have to leave immediately in a big dramatic gesture. Just stop caring about what they say about you and focus solely on getting your career where you want it. Give that all your energy. When your finances are better and you feel secure then you can start looking at accommodation so you can start again.

I think you feel that as you've been together 5 years you "owe" this relationship some effort. That's just not true. Look up the sunk cost fallacy.

Honestly, I very nearly left my DH over his mother. We have 4 DC (3 at that time admittedly) and although DH wouldnt ever face her down he didn't pass things on to me that she said to him just kind of ignored it all and said it was just how she was and didn't mean anything. It still wore me down till I nearly blew up my family over it, kids and all. The only reason that we didn't divorce was because she died when she was 63. I had been NC with her for over a year before she received that final diagnosis.

You dont want to live like that. You owe yourself a chance at happiness. This relationship will NEVER be a happy one. If you work really hard you may be able to tolerate it. Is that what you want from life?

OP - you say your BF's mum/parents were nice and then suddenly seemed to go off you - was it when you were diagnosed with autism? There are people who "don't believe" in autism or ADHD. I was diagnosed with both in my late 50's and had a few comments from people implying I would use autism as an excuse to be rude, and a friend stating that no I wasn't autistic, they'd got it wrong. Along with a lot of support, there was some negativity and doubt levelled towards me.

I also had a BF years ago who would feed negative comments back from his mum - once that I hadn't thanked her enough (I had said thank you for a meal she cooked and offered to help clean up, but apparently I hadn't offered in the right way 🙄). I should have taken my cue to end it there, but I didn't unfortunately and limped along, treading on eggshells around BF and his mum for another 2 years.

I do think you really need to work on your MH as much as you can, and you need to get out of your current living situation - it's feeding your anxiety and you seem to be in a vicious circle. It may be best to go and live with your DF if you can? Maybe book an appointment with your GP to see if any medication may help, or if you are on medication would a higher dosage or alternative medication help?

You will get through this - you just need a bit of headspace to take a step back and see that you are being treated badly and that you are worth more than that.

Relationships shouldn't be this difficult. Disengage, move on and be free.

My boyfriend’s mum is the head of an autism base in a high school. You would hope she had awareness of that. No, I found out about my autism when I did the PGCE.

I was diagnosed at 43. Most people's reaction was 'yeah, no shit', but when I read that some people just somehow instinctively don't like neurodiverse people it made a lot of confusing interactions/relationships in my past make sense.

My mum doesn't really get it, although part of that was because I was first misdiagnosed (and medicated!) for something else for the decade before. Feel that if we still used 'Asperger's' it might make more sense to her. And I think my worry is that she might think it was her fault for not knowing when I was little, even though it was in the days when only boys had autism and girls were just a bit weird and didn't try hard enough to make friends.

at this stage I wouldn’t know who is to blame more (him or his mum)

Your boyfriend is 100% to blame for telling you the nasty things his mum says about you behind your back.

(Yes, she is to blame for saying them in the first place, but that is not your problem - she is nothing to do with you. You are not in a relationship with her. She should have no effect on you.)

Just WHY do you think your BF passes on these nasty comments?
Think about it.

Is he trying to damage your self-confidence? That is abusive.

Is he hoping you will somehow change enough to please his mother so that the comments stop? That won't work - if she doesn't like you, there is nothing you can do to make her like you. You will tie yourself in knots trying, but it will be pointless. You can't make someone like you.
He has spent a lifetime trying to please his critical mother and keep the peace, does he think you should also do the same?

Is he just so thoughtless and stupid and insensitive that he thinks he is doing no harm by passing on her comments? That is not a good enough explanation - there has to be a reason why he is choosing to say these things to you when he could just keep his mouth shut.

My advice - make plans to dump him and move out ASAP. You do not need his immaturity and toxicity in your life.

As others have said, look at all options for finding a way to move out, e.g. doing a residential job or voluntary work that comes with accommodation.

OP, in the very kindest way you need to give your head a wobble and understand you are the only one who can sort this out for yourself.

I think it is pretty obvious that for whatever reasons or none, your BF mum doesn’t want you living with them any further but has not yet got to the point of expressly telling you to leave. So you need to work out how you get yourself out whilst the timing is still within your control and, as a second order question, whether you want to remain in this relationship. I’m not convinced the BF wants to anyway.

You are still young so please knock the “wasted”, “trapped” stuff on the head. You made decisions, perhaps you’d make different ones if you had a Time Machine. But you don’t and You have 40 years of work and hopefully 50+ years of life ahead of you so pick a path upwards and onwards to a better future. Believe in yourself and you can do it.

I bet he's put this idea in your head!! 28 is so young and too young to settle for someone who doesn't treat you well. You have many many years ahead of you to have a much nicer life and have chilldren and get married. It's also never too late to leave a situation, which makes you feel bad. You're fixated on children but it'd be selfrish to bring them into this mix anyway. Get yourself out ASAP and you're still plenty young to start again and still have time to have a family.

The longer you stay in this situation the more you'll regret it later, trust me.

Yes I am aware that she doesn’t want me to be there anymore. We have a move out day established and that is that. In the meantime it’s hoping that I will get somewhere with my career. I can’t believe I made so many bad decisions.

We don't even know if the mum even actually said any of these things...

I did query these things (in a nice way) with the mum and she did imply that she actually said them.

It is beside the point whether or not the mum actually said these things. It doesn't matter.

What matters is that your boyfriend chose to tell you these things.
You need to look at why he does this.

Either he is being deliberately abusive to you, or he has spent a lifetime trying to please his critical mother and keep the peace, and thinks you should also do the same, so he is telling you these things to make you change to please her.

Either way, he is no good for you. Dump him.

Then I think @Lunalara that you need to slowly introduce them to any honest criticisms that you have about your MiL, and then add in some about your partner, and see how well they take being criticised!

But, that is only if you want to waste spend more of your time with someone you are going to leave anyway. However, if you really don't want to leave your relationship with this man and his mother, then I do think that it might be helpful for you to do what I was half-jokingly suggesting in my first paragraph above...
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