Feeling ill over boyfriend’s parents

[Lunalara]

Hey wonderful people of Mumsnet,

I am really struggling to cope with their nitpicking of my faults. The mother is really nice to me in person, but then decides to criticise me to the boyfriend, who agrees with her most of the time. Even on days out when I am by myself, my boyfriend will send me a text. For instance, once when I was in a theme park, the mother wasn’t happy about how I didn’t say please once. I haven’t forgotten since, but she finds over issues about me and blames my issues on my anxiety.

I tell my boyfriend that he needs to stick up for himself and me. He shouldn’t be used as an intermediary between them and me. I told him that he needs to leave the room if they do that after asking them to confront me directly.

I have a generally strong relationship with my boyfriend, but his parents are trying to nitpick me all the time. I worry how this will be like in the future when we decide to have kids, but don’t want to leave an otherwise solid relationship.

The other issue is that I am 28 this year, and our relationship is otherwise good. Yes, I am young in the grand scheme of things, but not for things like settling down and eventually having kids. They may no longer be on the table for me if I leave and I will literally have nothing in my life.

He is a man for his mama. Still in his crawling breeches

Only if you work at it.

You sound very passive.

The life you want doesnt just happen, you have to make it happen.

You have fantastic qualifications. No woman in her late twenties with a masters should be relying on sofa surfing at her boyfriends.

Stop being a victim, take control and make a life for yourself because sure as eggs is eggs, no one else will do it for you. And FFS do not have kids with this man, ever.

This is such a good post. I , too would say leave or at least get counselling. I wish I had done exactly that in the same situation. In my experience, which is so similiar to yours- even down to how i felt is similar to how you feel. It is not normal to be treated like that- if you can leave, or at least go NC with the parents. Does the father witness it all and do nothing?

My degree is in languages, and I really struggled to know how to apply them. I tried applying for a job solely using the language, but didn’t even get past the first stage despite being fluent in the language and getting a first in the language.

He adds criticisms to me but he is generally like that to everyone. Yeah I am trying more firmly with counselling now as I know I need it and can’t let setbacks dissuade me. Although when I move back home, the only option is to pay for one.

Run. You’ll be miserable as sin if he never sticks up for you. He’s the problem, not her.

Do you think I realistically stand a chance in this job market? I know I need to keep trying, but I am worried employers will be put off by my autism.

You're multi-lingual.
You have a degree, QTS, and a masters.

You are obviously a capable person. Don't "settle". You are young and the world is your oyster.

He adds criticisms to me but he is generally like that to everyone.

so why would you want to be with him ?

You are in your 20s - this should be the best time of your life. Go and live a little. Get out there and enjoy life. Don't settle for someone like this and don't settle for these living arrangement, and I wouldn't settle for your work situation either.

Having a poor relationship with your own parents is a sad way to start out in life, but you've overcome that with all your achievements. Don't settle for this relationship because "it isn't as bad as" the one with your parents. Go out and find someone who loves you and respects you.

Or, be single, but a person with self respect.

Learn to love yourself before getting into another relationship.

You shouldn't have to take criticism unless you ask for input from someone.
It's also not "sensitive" to be hurt when people say horrible things to or about you.
You really need to get rid of them all. There is no reason on earth for him to pass on his mothers complaints.

What a lovely quote. Thank you so much for your encouragement. I need to put my big girl pants on and send out loads of applications.

"They may no longer be on the table for me if I leave and I will literally have nothing in my life."

This is NOT a good reason to stay in a relationship like this. And I speak from experience, I left my first marriage knowing that I had to end it, even if it meant I might never get to have the children I'd always longed for. You are young, just like I was, and I did meet a good man a couple of years later and have children.

Please do not settle for this immature mummy's boy.

I think the next step is to just start a career, but I keep telling myself it’s too late for me even though I have marketable skills. I need to fix that through counselling.

Honestly, it is a form of narcissism I think (It was in my case!) It really is impossible to change as i think it is a deep rooted insecurity. As a 'normal' person I could never understand how she thought it was appropriate to be rude to someone who was always polite to her- using her husband and son to aid her. It was alien to me but it literally never got better and I ended up almost feeling like I was going mad as I would go there on a visit vowing I would do everything in my power to not cause any offense and there would always be something wrong. She would even have a go at my then husband before she left- one time it was about how I cooked some carrots, how I was aloof (no shit shylock- I didnt dare do or say anything as it was easier to do the minimum so as not to draw attention to myself) plus about 3 other things. My ex husband always felt the need to tell me what she had said afterwards eventhough though every time I said I didnt want to know. You literally end up feeling like you are going mad!. I have since shared great relationships with every other partners parents (3 pairs in total spanning 30 Years so I dont think it was me at fault- well I dont go round criticising people), Honestly - for your own sake leave. I could have written your posts word for word. I wish someone had given me that advice. Find someone who truly loves you and supports you.

Yeah I know the feeling. They likely had something against us and felt desperate for us to know about it. It never was about the things they criticise/criticised us about. I don’t accept the mother’s behaviour. I came here to ask more about what I should do with the boyfriend, and if going no contact is enough.

Do you think that your boyfriend and his mother may be a cause for your anxiety. That them constantly criticising you is causing your stress. You boyfriend actually sound like he is using his mother as an excuse to put you down. He knows it will hurt you but tells you anyway or says something nasty using his mother as an excuse. It’s not a loving relationship. You need to discuss this with your therapist.

Dump him. Focus on your own mental health and getting a job.

Honestly that his mother criticises you and that he passes on the criticisms is a huge waving red flag.

You might find yourself much happier and more effective without him.

Career-wise, lots of people these days re-train in a new area well into their 40s and even 50s, so it’s definitely not too late for you.

I think it is making it worse. I had anxiety before from the stress of my dad and bullying at school.

Not the most intelligent reply but his talking to his Mummy about you you and reporting concerns would give me the ick! You didn’t say please once, wtf?!

Things get worse when you have kids. I am currently seething about various things my MIL said to me today.

Get yourself out of this. You are intelligent, well qualified and have a lot to offer.

I almost think the boyfriends behaviour is even worse because he is enabling his mother. It is sad but in my experience it never changes- perhaps they are so used to the behaviour they minimise it to themselves. I found the more I complained about it to my then husband, the more he made me feel it was my fault. I think he knew it was wrong but in order to justify it to himself, he made me out to be the villain. Or he would dismiss it laughing- saying things like'oh you know what shes like'. It is up to you how deep rooted your boyfriends behaviour is. He is literally the only boyfriend I have had that allowed this sort of behaviour to happen and it never got better, His mother used to do it with my DC too after the split ( about me) but just by saying nothing and binding my time, they made their own mind up. Run- as fast as you can. Believe me no boyfriend who truly loves you will allow it to happen.

It wasn't questioning OPs recollection of the issue. It was questioning whether the BF is telling the truth about where these criticisms come from. It was my 1st thought too if the mother is nice to her face.
Maybe the mum has said the odd thing, but if the BF is agreeing and bringing these things up all the time, it sounds like he could be using his mother as an excuse to raise his issues.

OP if he was the right 1 for you he would have your back and do all he can to raise you up and build confidence, not be giving you knock after knock. If he don't like this and that about you then he is with the wrong person. You can't be molded into something you are not, and you need to be with someone who supports you.

Autistic with anxiety issues myself and I know these little frequent knocks can do a massive amount of damage to and already confused mind

I wouldn't accuse him of lying about where these insults stem from, but would pull him up on if he agrees, why is he still with you. Tell him you are who you are, if he loves you for who you are then you need these insulting conversations to stop. You need someone to support and build you up not break you down.

If his mother is being a pitch behind your back but perfectly nice to your face, then he could protect you from that but shutting the conversations down with her and not relaying the criticism to you.

We all moan about other people and it's often superficial stuff, nothing we'd feel so strongly about to say it to their face, just venting I suppose. We don't expect people to go running to the person we're moaning about and tell them!

What's going on here is that your b/f is parroting everything his Mum says. That's just plain stupid. He probably feel's his loyalties are split and that's not good. He doesn't need to take sides, just needs to apply a bit of tact or when to stand up to her to defend you, or even visa versa. He doesn't sound very emotionally mature tbh.

That's exactly what he wants

He is not for you

Make your own life without him - focus on your career and build your confidence. Never again let anyone tear you down like this; this guy isn’t supportive of you.