Feeling ill over boyfriend’s parents

[Lunalara]

Hey wonderful people of Mumsnet,

I am really struggling to cope with their nitpicking of my faults. The mother is really nice to me in person, but then decides to criticise me to the boyfriend, who agrees with her most of the time. Even on days out when I am by myself, my boyfriend will send me a text. For instance, once when I was in a theme park, the mother wasn’t happy about how I didn’t say please once. I haven’t forgotten since, but she finds over issues about me and blames my issues on my anxiety.

I tell my boyfriend that he needs to stick up for himself and me. He shouldn’t be used as an intermediary between them and me. I told him that he needs to leave the room if they do that after asking them to confront me directly.

I have a generally strong relationship with my boyfriend, but his parents are trying to nitpick me all the time. I worry how this will be like in the future when we decide to have kids, but don’t want to leave an otherwise solid relationship.

Well that is something of a drip feed. Things are much further down the path that just a few digs.

Time to stop berating yourself for decisions you previously made and look forward to how you build a better and brighter future.

So you graduated from your master when you were, say, 22. You're now around 28. You've (barely) been allowed to make your own choices for only 6 years! It's totally normal to try things out, and they won't all work out for you. Late 20s is a great time to work abroad - you're not entirely naive anymore and have learnt how to budget (hopefully).

I'm about 10 years older than you and spent my 20s working various shit jobs that weren't quite right. I'm getting somewhere now but it took until my early 30s. It's completely normal and fine - especially when you're autistic with an unsupportive and abusive family.

Make your own way. You don't need any of these people. A move to a new country might be the exact clean break you need.

No, I finished my Masters at 26, so I guess it makes more sense that I am where I am now. My undergraduate ended up taking 5 years due to glandular fever, and then I did my Masters part time to get some work experience.

I have always been pretty ok with budgeting thankfully. With a clever budgeting technique, I managed to save a good amount of savings from the PGCE year alone. I have a good base, but I am worried wasted potential is all I ever will be.

So you've really only been working for 2 years. And you've been ill. And you've been living with a bunch of negative Nancy's who talk you down all the time. No wonder you feel shit. You deserve better!

'potential' is what others feel you should be doing. But as an adult you're not their project and they don't get a say. It's fine to just be an average normal(ish) person.
My mum told me last year that she thought I would grow up to be a physicist...despite me never showing a real interest in that, and her not encouraging me into it! My childhood special interests were comics and cats. I now work with cats (basic care, not a vet or anything). To cope with my autism I need a fairly stress-free job, or a very supportive employer. And supportive employers are hard to find.

As they say - those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.

What was the professional work you did? Would you like to try that again?

I did a year of digital marketing supporting the university, and also several other projects including a consultancy project.

Perhaps I should elaborate that the nitpicking started when I moved in. Doesn’t make it much better I know, but it hasn’t been ongoing throughout the relationship. What has been ongoing is my boyfriend calling me out on my insecurities.

@Lunalara
28 is still v young and You have a first in languages and a masters, which you gained despite serious illness and having a condition like autism and you have work experience. You did this in spite of having a difficult family upbring, which is an even bigger testament to your perseverance and talent.

Some times when people bully a person, the person may feel that its their job to "survive" this, particularly if they've had to show grit and determination to gain their achievements in the first place, they get through the bullying by using their grit and determination and listening to people who say "rise above it' or "be the bigger person".. which is fine in some situations, but its also tantamount to saying - just shut up about it and don't make a fuss - endure.

You don't have to endure. You can surround yourself by people who are actually nice to you, even if that's just friends and colleagues.

I was particularly annoyed by your BF's comment that it was "evidence that you were unable to take criticism." He's not a flipping barrister for the prosecution, compiling "evidence" to prove his case for Gods Sake!

Was that a turn of phrase or in fact a true reflection of his mindset?

Because if so... he is adversarial and the "evidence" he is collecting is simply that you don't like being undermined - by him and by his mother and have been asking him to stop. Not should you accept it. He's literally telling you to put up with it because you "deserve" criticism. He's not your bloody employer, nor is she.

It also occurs to me that being "sensitive", (and since when was it a bad thing to sensitive?) is partly because you are highly intelligent, earnest and empathetic person who has endured a lot in childhood, and so those comments from people who should be your support and in your corner - cut you to the quick and make you even more vulnerable and "sensitive" to further unkindnesses.

I wouldn't like to bring up children in that negative atmosphere.

I am not surprised in this undermined state that you feel that career opportunities are limited. The market is hard, but you have all the attributes to succeed, particularly if you have a bit of encouragement and support. If you don't get that from this bunch.... you need to find people who will.

I know similarly highly qualified people who found it hard to get onto the next rung of the ladder or even on the ladder at all. One spent nearly a year trying to get a career job and was distraught, but then suddenly started getting loads of offers and a really good job. It took time, perseverance but it paid off.

You've already demonstrated those qualities. It also took a bit of career guidance, help with framing things they thought were weaknesses into positives, which sounds like a load of blarney but did the trick. eg.. pp have already said you should make an advantage of your Autism, and not apologise for it because with so many students struggling with it, your insights and experience are a particularly valuable asset. I saw some good job suggestions on this thread.

Seeing someone who could help you pin point your job search and give you insights into how CVs /interviews are being modernised and changed could really help you. Maybe extra curricular experience eg... related voluntary work or sports or interests, maybe writing a blog about learning languages, learning to tick tok it for students, with all the presentation, video editing skills that entails that sort of thing. Or how to succeed in getting qualifications with Autism.. etc. I'm not saying take on an unpaid job but maybe a one evening a week time, focused on something that would add to your portfolio.

You seem to be stuck, but making a plan for a new path would really help you. It would also be a diversion from some of the crap that is going on around you. I wish you all the very best, whatever you decide.

That is a great skill set and its sought after. Have you thought of creating an brief online portfolio of what you've achieved, with some examples. There's loads of similar ones online for inspiration. It sounds like you've already got the skills to do that and would showcase them, in addition to a paper CV.

OP, I agree with all the PP who say you should leave this toxic environment, and probably the relationship. It sounds really infantilising as is probably contributing to your feelings of helplessness and inability to get your life moving.

But, to play devil’s advocate: did your bf kinda just move you in to his parents’ house? Was there ever a formal agreement about what you living there would look like? Do you pay rent and bills and do household chores?

• The plan was the mum’s at the beginning.
• I pay a monthly rent.

I can’t believe how much of my life I wasted. I know people change careers, but I could have had one successful career by now if I got a grad scheme. My mental health has been so bad this last week.

Or he's trying to tell you he agrees with her

You can still apply for a grad scheme. Plenty of people don't apply until a few years after graduating. The name is a misnomer.

You’ve got 40 years still to work!

You think you can’t get out of the toxic living situation unless you get a better job. I think it’s more likely that you won’t get a better job until you’re out of the toxic living situation.

In hindsight yes it has hindered me. I am annoyed for only just seeing it, but grateful for all the posters who have taken the time to understand my situation.

He sounds like he’s using his mum to undermine you - are you sure it’s his mum saying all this?
I would tell your boyfriend you’re going to talk to her about it and clear the air then see what his reaction is. If you can do talk to her and clear the air - don’t let it carry on and make you miserable. Either way it’s not good and you know it - I would run a mile, your boyfriend sounds toxic.

I hear you
Diagnosed with combined ADHD last year at 46 and my mum had no idea and just brought my energy, incessant talking and my ways down to just how I was. I was a hyperactive, verbal diarrhea, hypochondriac child that couldn't sit still or shut up and when I got a headache, clearly it was a brain tumour.
Thankfully she gets it now but I just wanted to say that I hear you

There's absolutely no reason why you wouldn't make a great parent!!
You do seem to have a lot of insecurities and I highly recommend/suggest you have counselling to help you see that the things you are negative about (in yourself) aren't actually true poppet because I'm pretty sure they're not.
You've been emotionally abused by the sounds of things by the people who should be lifting you up (your parents).
If you ever want to have a chat about any of this, you can DM me x

In my 20s, especially 28 I didn't want to have kids ever. They were not on my agenda and I wouldn't hold any baby either.
I met my long term boyfriend (nearly 16 years) when I was 32 and I had our first child at 37. Second came along at 40.
I didn't know I lived with ADHD back then.
I didn't know if I'd ever find a life partner after an abusive relationship from 2000-2004 and then a few failed situationships. Men were shit.

But it all came together in my thirties.
My point is, don't write yourself off and don't waste any more time than you have to xx

She could talk to her and clear the air, I do agree, but I think timing is everything. and guaging what the reactions may be before she embarks on this is a good idea.. But perhaps OP some counselling support before you tackle them both as you could end up with them both laying into you even more.

This might be harder for you at this point in time because you have been exploring the situation on here and realising its not just because you are too "sensitive"

If MIL is just griping a bit and getting a bit fed up with hosting then that's one thing.
If you think she's a hyper critical personality and is trying to show your BF that she is superior to you or something. You sound depressed and I think you should get some support to decide if taking them both on right at this point in time (which is an assertive thing to do and could perhaps improve the situation in the normal run of things ) is the best course of action for you right now or may just further depress you.
I just can't tell, only you can decide (but with a bit of help) If it were me I think I might quietly work on my plans and think hard about what you really want and how to go about it and then decide whether to take them on or not. Maybe there's a mid way to navigate this.. Speaking to her to understand what it is she wants in a very calm way, and how to stay out of her radar whilst you quietly (without mentioning which could be deemed by them to be asking for their approval) get on with researching your path.

On the career front. Its very hard when you are feeling ground down to feel that yes you can move forward and achieve something. You read the newspapers saying Oh the job market is terrible, etc etc... But they are not necessarily talking about you. You have already bucked the trend and you may not realise it but you are in the top level of employability.

1. you have degrees up to masters levels and you got a FIRST. That speaks volumes.
2. you have teaching experience, that means references.. and skills
3. you did online work including marketing projects - which are top rated skills which you can demonstrate.
4. You have autism. But you can demonstrate you accomplishments, the only gap was due to serious illness. So many people are finding out about autism today that having an insight into how it works, how you can overcome obstacles to achieve it, is an advantage that would be useful in many training areas.
5. not forgetting your high level of language skills and therefore communication skills.

ie you have not twiddled your thumbs since graduating but have had real life work experience... I think a pp above said its never too late to reapply for the grad scheme you mentioned. You'd have uni accommodation potential too. and extra qualifications.

I'm sure others will have better suggestions but Your uni would have a careers department. Could you as an alumnae go back and talk to them or email them... etc.
Maybe start a new thread asking for suggestions for where to get good careers advice.. think about pp who suggested embassy translations etc. ( I guess you'd have to be careful as its public online) I don't know enough about who you could consult, but perhaps set aside an evening a week to research all this - you have already proved you are very good at that. Create your online cv and portfolio, get inspiration for this.

It crazy to think its all over at 28.. you've already got load of great qualifications and real life skills to build on. You need to find people who know what they are talking about in terms of careers and advice to give you POSITIVE support and encouragement to help you recognise yourself that you are actually a very intelligent, hard working, and competent person, who would be a valuable asset to any employer.

The only thing you actually lack currently, is confidence in yourself, which you can regain as you research and work on it. The people who get these careers are the ones who have said "Its a difficult market but its still possible for me", ignored the Naysayers, accepted that there will be many rejections but kept going anyway. It looks from the foot of the hill as a massive mountain to climb, and that is really daunting, but really it is a step by step process, break it into small pieces and take one at a time and whatever happens you will be in a better informed position than when you started. I wish you every success with your journey.

Lots of sound advice in this post, thank you. Yes, I am lacking confidence. I think part of my issue was that I assumed teaching would be a good fit for me, and it just didn’t turn out that way. Hopefully I can still get something else if I work hard.

Since the dawn of time, MILs and DILs have clashed.

I know you guys aren't married but you are thinking how will this play out in the long term?

The fact is your BF hasn't yet matured enough to be able to stand up to his mum. That's why his mum feels emboldened enough to be able to say everything she thinks without a filter. You might have to end up being the one to teach his mum about filtering her thoughts and when to keep her opinions to herself. That's only if you are up to this task!

It's totally out of order for your BF to relay critical messages from his mum to you - tell him to immediately stop that and stfu.

I think you are right to tell your BF just to shutdown any uninvited criticism. If his mum has something to say, let her come out and say it herself.

But overall, my advice would be to remind you that you can't control how other people behave but you can control your own reaction and response.

I think you need to accept that his mum has some personality quirks (flaws) and learn to let them bounce off you.

Try and take the high road and don't get involved in tit for tats with her. Just keep being you and hold your head up high.

NEVER let anyone undermine you!
Value yourself and lay down boundaries.

Don’t take crap from any potential future family members becos it will only show you as weak and easy meat. Your OH must have your back.

Start as you mean to go on in any relationship, that is the time to lay down the rules.
Reflect on the criticism when by yourself to judge whether it’s just or not and you can decide to make any changes. But fuck them! Life is difficult enough without his family putting the boot in.

I think you really do have the skills and talents that will enable you to build your confidence, you are just feeling very low at the moment. But you can build it!

You probably already work very hard...
but I think its more a case of casting a very wide net to really seek out and evaluate what is out there first and then formulating a plan for how you could get there.
Talking to people in the areas you like or looking them up in linked in to see how they got the jobs they are doing.
Looking at adverts for jobs you haven't quite got the experience for yet but would like to do in future - to see lists of what they are looking for. (but don't be daunted by these lists, recognise that many use Chat GPT or agencies who list over zealously)
If in doubt. Look at the list required for jobs exactly like yours... and you will soon see how things you are already doing are presented. It's a good exercise and may surprise you.
Maybe Getting a supportive person to evaluate how you present yourself and your skills on your CV and cover letter so that you are not doing yourself down. It's helpful if you are doing a lot of job applications (because they are more intense these days) to have a spread sheet where you can put all the exact dates in, the addresses and websites, and lists of tasks etc. A prepared paragraph of examples of good pieces of work you've done for cover letters. This will help you cut and paste and take some of the tedium out of it. but I think a website to showcase some of your good stuff without words, will be something they can see at a glance. Some of these suggestions are vague, but if you talked to people in the area you are interested in, you'd get more detailed ideas.

I know this sounds like a lot, but once you get stuck in, its not a huge amount to get through. I think it can be quite empowering when you find things that spark ideas and inspiration and this might lift you up with the feeling that there are opportunities out there.
You may find that job adverts and opportunites slow right down in the second half of December but that's a good time to work on the online portfolio.

Do you guys have your own space in the house?
What is the living arrangement?

Do you all split cleaning and cooking?