Feeling ill over boyfriend’s parents

[Lunalara]

Hey wonderful people of Mumsnet,

I am really struggling to cope with their nitpicking of my faults. The mother is really nice to me in person, but then decides to criticise me to the boyfriend, who agrees with her most of the time. Even on days out when I am by myself, my boyfriend will send me a text. For instance, once when I was in a theme park, the mother wasn’t happy about how I didn’t say please once. I haven’t forgotten since, but she finds over issues about me and blames my issues on my anxiety.

I tell my boyfriend that he needs to stick up for himself and me. He shouldn’t be used as an intermediary between them and me. I told him that he needs to leave the room if they do that after asking them to confront me directly.

I have a generally strong relationship with my boyfriend, but his parents are trying to nitpick me all the time. I worry how this will be like in the future when we decide to have kids, but don’t want to leave an otherwise solid relationship.

Coming up to 5 years. We aren’t married because we don’t have careers yet.

His mum shouldn't be talking badly about you at all- you sound a sensitive and thoughtful person. The job of potential parents-in-law is basically to keep their opinions to themselves unless their adult child is in moral or physical danger. And using their son as an intermediary is cowardly on their part. She sounds a bit cuckoo tbh.

If your parents were nitpicking about your boyfriend would you be going back to him with everything they say? I wouldn't, especially if I knew he was very anxious. Are you sure this isn't just a way for your boyfriend to bring you down?

You are right. I wouldn’t do that, but then I am more sensitive than he is. He thinks I am always too sensitive.

This isn't the solid relationship you seem to think it is.

Your BF doesn't have your back. He should be your protector. So he shouldn't be passing on these constant criticisms from his mother. He should be saying to his mother, "let's be kind and stop picking on my GF please Mum".

He's not the one for you to marry and have children with. If you do, you're in for a lifetime of misery and frustration. Them against you. Then just wait until she turns your own children against you.

She criticised my mum to my face too. I am not the biggest fan of the things my mum has done, but surely that is overstepping a bit when she hasn’t done anything overtly bad…

When I was dating my DH his family were very similar. It got much, much worse. We are NC with them now. If you don’t want a lifetime of family drama I would walk away now if your bf doesn’t have your back. Because they will be at every special occasion for you going forwards otherwise.

Him thinking you are too sensitive could be another red flag.

That is my worry too. I am on the fence about children partly due to them but partly because I am not sure I would be a good parent as I am autistic and get overstimulated somewhat easily.

I’d be very surprised if any of this came from his mother

It could be, but I am a very sensitive person. Maybe due to trauma, maybe due to autism that I discovered two years ago.

If he is already backing up the negativity and shit stirring, it's not going to get any better. Sounds to me like he enjoys knocking you down and the fact it makes you insecure.
As someone who had the in-laws from hell, if your partner won't back you up, get out now. Honestly, it's just not worth the bullshit.

So do you think he is making this stuff up? Not disagreeing with you, just curious about why you think this way.

She has come outright to me to say she feels like she walks on eggshells around me. But that is the only thing she will elaborate on with me.

It sounds as if she's making small throwaway comments and your BF is telling you in order to see what your reaction is, presumably because he respects him mum and her judgement. You have to grow a thick skin and just not care. Be confident that you are a good person who behaves in a reasonable way. If she's got a bone to pick with you she can raise it with you herself. So just brush this off with your BF and change the subject.

I have experience of a bitchy MIL. I don't think DH understood how I felt about her comments. I tried not to let them get to me. Eventually my DC were old enough to tell her she was BU! Now we have an OK relationship.

Sorry that you had to go through this too. My boyfriend’s parents seemed so lovely at the beginning, constantly getting me nice experiences. But they suddenly disliked me and everything turned sour.

Your boyfriend is either nasty or odd. He seems to think he’s own mum’s willingness to openly criticise you is also normal when it isn’t.

My parents have never slagged off my boyfriends to my face, even the awful ones! They’d also never criticise my husband either, it isn’t their place. Ditch your boyfriend and his family, they’re all toxic.

My boyfriend is generally a really nice person always going out of his way to help people. I don’t understand what I did to upset him 😢

Find your anger, he’s the one causing you upset. Stop blaming yourself and dump him.

Anybody could forget to say please just once. Its really not right for a mother to bring that up with her ds and then for him to pass it off. Last week my ds was here with his gf. After they left she messaged me and say l think l forgot to say goodbye when we were leaving: we were all chatting as they went and l hadn't noticed. I messaged back saying never, ever worry about things like that. That's the reaction that mother should have. She is making your life miserable and you might be surprised at how quickly your anxiety went if you hadn't to deal with her.
Maybe for the last time say to your dp..stop telling me what your mom said!! Very loudly and clearly. If he continues dump him as he is not good for you .

Why suddenly? That doesn’t make sense.

Either you and your BF are very young and he is easily influenced by his mum and you and is flipping between the both of you trying to say the right things and getting it wrong. Or he is a horrible got who is bad mouthing you and egging his mum on and then reporting back.

Doesn’t sound good.

I am in my late 20s, he is early 20s nearly mid 20s.

Most likely the former as he is quite young.

Your boyfriend is the problem. Why is he passing this stuff on? Stop blaming yourself. This has nothing to do with anxiety or autism. Normal adults don’t tell other adults when a third party has slagged them off. He sounds really immature.

She's very disrespectful. Your MUM? She actually sounds like a relative of mine.
Take your courage in both hands.
"Well, it's not really fair talking to me about my mum when she's not here. Shall we call her together so you can let her know what you think of her?"
But, like I said, I know what anxiety can do to you- this is why you need your boyf to have your back.
Otherwise, every time you have a row, he'll tell her,then report back to you, and you'll end up doubting yourself and becoming a shell of a human being.
You have one life- it's short- don't do this to yourself.