Feeling ill over boyfriend’s parents

[Lunalara]

Hey wonderful people of Mumsnet,

I am really struggling to cope with their nitpicking of my faults. The mother is really nice to me in person, but then decides to criticise me to the boyfriend, who agrees with her most of the time. Even on days out when I am by myself, my boyfriend will send me a text. For instance, once when I was in a theme park, the mother wasn’t happy about how I didn’t say please once. I haven’t forgotten since, but she finds over issues about me and blames my issues on my anxiety.

I tell my boyfriend that he needs to stick up for himself and me. He shouldn’t be used as an intermediary between them and me. I told him that he needs to leave the room if they do that after asking them to confront me directly.

I have a generally strong relationship with my boyfriend, but his parents are trying to nitpick me all the time. I worry how this will be like in the future when we decide to have kids, but don’t want to leave an otherwise solid relationship.

You don't have a strong relationship with your boyfriend. You also don't know what they are actually saying, he might be abusing you and using them as an excuse. Either way, none of it is ok.

Please just move on. He's just a blip on the horizon, not your life partner.

He’s literally making the war @Lunalara …
huge red flag. He’s not being your partner! Be very wary

I feel like I’m reading a completely different thread from everyone else.

He was a teenager when you started dating him while you were in your early 20’s.

You’ve been living with his parents for a year.

Do either of you work and pay rent?

Maybe I’m reading this all wrong?

@Lunalara you can probably find better paid work in education in a school (for example) that is clued into autism and that values your degree background, for a start. I would consider private schools as they really can feel more independent and open minded (in my experience), but that's just one idea. You can be accepted and appreciated at work for your own special qualities. Autism education is another possibility as you are clued in about your own condition. Please don't give up -- your current work is still excellent experience but it isn't all you can do!

Also, 28 is young and you have time to find a partner who respects you. Please don't accept anything less. This man is not mature or possibly kind, either, and it doesn't matter if he might change in future -- you can't live like this now and you do have alternatives.

I think that if you live in her house, the relationship is slightly different. And whilst her criticising you isn’t nice, it’s reasonable for her to raise things with your boyfriend and ask for changes whilst you’re under her roof. How many of the criticisms relate to the living situation? Eg cleaning, cooking, tidying, behaviour round the house etc.

In your position I would prioritise living independently - a room in a house share, a job with accommodation included, returning to teaching so that you can afford rent etc. I suspect that the criticism will stop/reduce once you’re not living in her house.

Could you look at working abroad, in a country that speaks your degree language, teaching English?

Maybe you need a big change!

Oh hun please! Dont settle in a shit relationship because you think you are old! I didnt have my 1st baby til 34 and ive just had my 3rd at 38.
I did alot of what you did though, settling for shit relationships in my 20s because I wanted the happy fairytale ending.
From an outsiders perspective it doesn't sound great with this guy.
Personally, my advice would be to dump him, move out your family home into a flat share, work on your career and yourself. Learn how to grow a thicker skin. I used to be incredibly sensitive so I do know what its like. Work on yourself and your resilience.

Honestly, it shouldn’t be this hard. And from 30 years down the line I wouldn’t bother.

My advice would be to just not bother with him or his weird enmeshed family.
Yes it would feel great in the moment to tell her that it’s weird to try to be the other woman in her own child’s relationship, but don’t bother.

But do end it with him, and tell him that his interfering mother will continue to turn every one of his relationships into nuclear waste.

Ive been married many years and it seems very clearly to me now that marriage is not between two people but between two families, especially true after having kids. At your stage, I think you are right that your boyfriends mother complains about you behind your back (they often are nice in front of you), and you are right that your bf is useless to defend you (and he seems tactless in dealing with the mil/dil relationship). Not too sure if he’s ever going to be emotionally intelligent enough to deal with it in the future. As I said the relationship is no longer with you BF alone, and it will be less so when you are married. Think twice what your options are when you don’t have too much to lose.

I think he is criticising you and is controlling but uses his parents as the excuse.

Bin

Why don't you just say it straight: Please can you stop correcting me. Or, tell your mother to stop correcting me as I don't like it. They sound a very precious family with mummy being very exacting and expectational. Is this the man for you or is he, as we used to call them, a mummy's boy?

Are you living with them or staying with them regularly every week?

I would get pretty tired of cooking for an adult son and his girlfriend. Especially if you don’t say thank you. It sounds like they were initially welcoming and then got understandably fed up with another student in their home a lot.

Do you and boyfriend contribute to bills? Wash up? Do laundry?

This, with bells on.

You deserve better.

It is not a massive issue not to say please once. She is being a bitch. Your BF is creating a drama triangle and probably loves the drama. It is not healthy. She will never change only you and him can change your response to his parents.

Leave this man - it won't get better.

No matter how nice he is or how good your relationship is generally, he's spent his whole life appeasing his parents to avoid conflict or their displeasure and he's not going to stop. He'll trample over your wants and feelings every time, believe me.

If he doesn’t want there to be war then surely he would not tell you

Ah! This makes more sense as I thought you were very rude not saying please BUT that is a cultural difference. I have Spanish colleagues and they are completely bemused by how often the English say, “please” lol

You know she means she didn't 'say please, once'.

The absolute state of this site. When somebody is describing a bully too.

If it's making you feel ill it sounds like they're bullying you. I hope you can escape them somehow.

You sound like a brilliant and lovely person with lots of wonderful things ahead of you. It does sound like your boyfriends parents are toxic and I think you’d be better off out of the relationship than in. I’ve been married over 15 years and parents on both sides never commented negatively on either spouse to the other. My DH is far from perfect but is my biggest cheerleader. I also suffer from anxiety and am trying to unpack why with a counsellor. Your boyfriend and your home with him needs to be a ‘safe place’ and it doesn’t sound like it is. This can only damage your chances of working through anxiety.
Re your job, I know the job market is super competitive at the moment and lots of graduates are finding it tough, so just take things step by step. Do you enjoy teaching? What’s your ideal job? However mad it might sound, write it down and then take tiny steps towards it. Could you do translation? This could be written or oral eg in court or something. Work abroad where you could use the languages? Maybe see a careers coach or something. I appreciate there’s a cost there but it might be worth it. Your uni will likely have careers stuff you can access as a graduate too.
i understand you’re thinking about wanting kids etc but bringing a child into this toxic environment would not be good. You wouldn’t want your child to be treated as you are now.
it might not feel it, but you do have choices. Do you have other friends you can speak too? How is the relationship with your family?
I send you huge hugs. I can see you’re not in a good place, but you can move forward and wonderful things await.

The current situation is only feeding your anxiety and depression and personally I think you’d be better off walking away now and focussing on your own wellbeing and your career. You certainly don’t need anyone constantly nit picking and criticising your every move or comment and a BF who is so two faced is not the man for you……has has NOT got your back, he’s tied to mummy’s apron strings.

To be blunt your bf is an absolute wanker and you'd be much better off without him in your life.

Finish it with him and concentrate on your career.

There’s more than one problem here, OP. Firstly, your boyfriend sounds immature; secondly, his mother sounds like she’s nitpicking because she’s fed up of having you (and him) in her house all the time; thirdly, you’re over-sensitive and under-confident. The first two (silly BF and nitpicking mother) are making the third problem worse.

To me the most crucial thing is for you to continue with your counselling, swapping to a new counsellor if needed. Forget about your boyfriend and his mother for now - you need the counselling for you, so you can improve your confidence, reduce your sensitivity a little, and learn more about what you want out of life. Those things are what you need.

As for job-hunting, I’d stop focussing on the autism too much. It sounds like you’re making it and the sensitivity a bit of an excuse, and that might be coming across in your interviews, either directly or indirectly. Lots of people in the workforce have autism. It doesn’t have to be a problem.

Apart from the counselling, I’d prioritise finding your own place to live. This could be a room in a shared house if needed. Then you can see how the dynamics change, if at all, with your boyfriend and mother. From what you’ve said, it’s unclear whether he’s purposely telling you these things to put you down, or if he’s just immature. Once you have somewhere to live, things might be clearer to you.

I'm an interpreter, your languages degree would land you a job at the embassy, which is well paid. You should have a look to see what vacancies they have. You can join interpreting agencies too, there's one in every city. They pay a good hourly rate. You could teach languages at schools, and they'll put you in for your PGCE.

Whst I'm saying is, get a better job, save up and buy a small flat. Perhaps leave your boyfriend and her mum behind. You can do so much better. The worst thing you could do is have a baby and end up stuck there in a toxic, bitchy environment. Sounds like the mum doesn't like you and doesn't want you sleeping over. So keeps criticising you hoping her son agrees and breaks up with you. You need your own space.

You don't have a solid relationship. You have a relationship with someone who due to youth, immaturity or weakness of character, puts keeping the peace with others ahead of his loyalty to you. It really shouldn't be a case of do what his mum says and join in with criticising you, or do what you tell him and leave the room. He should know for himself what is the right thing to do. You may if you tell him off enough and give him clear instructions be able to train him out of this behaviour. But there will be other situations ahead where you will have to instruct and guide him. Because you will be the adult in the relationship while he is weak and immature. Do you want that?