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Original poster

Feeling ill over boyfriend’s parents

203 replies

Lunalara · 26/10/2025 21:47

Hey wonderful people of Mumsnet,

I am really struggling to cope with their nitpicking of my faults. The mother is really nice to me in person, but then decides to criticise me to the boyfriend, who agrees with her most of the time. Even on days out when I am by myself, my boyfriend will send me a text. For instance, once when I was in a theme park, the mother wasn’t happy about how I didn’t say please once. I haven’t forgotten since, but she finds over issues about me and blames my issues on my anxiety.

I tell my boyfriend that he needs to stick up for himself and me. He shouldn’t be used as an intermediary between them and me. I told him that he needs to leave the room if they do that after asking them to confront me directly.

I have a generally strong relationship with my boyfriend, but his parents are trying to nitpick me all the time. I worry how this will be like in the future when we decide to have kids, but don’t want to leave an otherwise solid relationship.

OP posts:
Daisypod · 26/10/2025 22:27

Apart from the not saying please what else is he saying she says about you?

tartanblanket8 · 26/10/2025 22:27

Lunalara · 26/10/2025 22:15

So do you think he is making this stuff up? Not disagreeing with you, just curious about why you think this way.

Show quote history

Yes I think he’s just trying to make you feel bad. There’s no reason to say that to you other than to upset you.

If his mum really talks about you like this then I would think he probably does too and that’s where it comes from.

zeebra · 26/10/2025 22:29

tartanblanket8 · 26/10/2025 22:14

I’d be very surprised if any of this came from his mother

I am afraid I totally disagree with this. I had a Mother in law exactly as described on here and it was hell. It actually got worse. Unless you have been subjected to someone who criticises constantly and looks for your faults on all occasions you wouldn't understand. I did end up splitting up with my husband - I don't think it was as a direct result of my Mother in laws behaviour but I think the lack of support triggered negative feelings that wouldn't somehow of existed if it had not been the case. It always amazes me on here how someone is suffering with unfair behaviour and another person comes along and for no reason questions the OP and whether it has happened. Bizarre and unhelpful behaviour - basically gaslighting. Leave OP- in my experience it doesnt get any better. She has shown you her true self.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Original poster
Lunalara · 26/10/2025 22:30

Sometimes when I get upset about what she is doing, he says that it is evidence that I can’t take criticism and I am too sensitive.

OP posts:
AstonScrapingsNameChange · 26/10/2025 22:31

Blimey, I thought you were going to say you were both teenagers.

He's very immature. You are very anxious. You need someone who understands this and has your back, not winds you up for whatever weird reason he's doing this.

Its not you.

AstonScrapingsNameChange · 26/10/2025 22:32

Lunalara · 26/10/2025 22:30

Sometimes when I get upset about what she is doing, he says that it is evidence that I can’t take criticism and I am too sensitive.

This is classic victim blaming. It doesn't sound good, I'm afraid.

Peclet · 26/10/2025 22:33

He is not a good match for you.

He says you’re too sensitive. That’s dismissive and unsupportive.

Original poster
Lunalara · 26/10/2025 22:33

I know I sound young. It’s probably all the issues from my original parents and trauma I had from continuous bullying and isolation. I have tried hard to fix these issues, but it has been a difficult journey and counselling has been hard for me to access.

OP posts:
Notmymarmosets · 26/10/2025 22:34

The whole lot of you sound completely disfunctional. You don't like his parents, your parents or the way he talks to you. He's a malicious gossip. You define yourself by your sensitivity and people walk on eggs shells around you. You still after five years rely on his parents to let you stay over. He was a teenager when you met him.
Which one of you is going to be the first to gather up their self respect and leave?

Original poster
Lunalara · 26/10/2025 22:35

Notmymarmosets · 26/10/2025 22:34

The whole lot of you sound completely disfunctional. You don't like his parents, your parents or the way he talks to you. He's a malicious gossip. You define yourself by your sensitivity and people walk on eggs shells around you. You still after five years rely on his parents to let you stay over. He was a teenager when you met him.
Which one of you is going to be the first to gather up their self respect and leave?

I haven’t been staying with him for 5 years, only one. I was at uni when we met and for most of our relationship we interacted there.

OP posts:
AstonScrapingsNameChange · 26/10/2025 22:36

Lunalara · 26/10/2025 22:33

I know I sound young. It’s probably all the issues from my original parents and trauma I had from continuous bullying and isolation. I have tried hard to fix these issues, but it has been a difficult journey and counselling has been hard for me to access.

I didnt mean offence, sorry. I mean you don't sound like you have much life experience.

You need someone mature and understanding, who cares for you as you are, not someone who is going to play mind games with you and criticise you for not being different.

Billiegirl · 26/10/2025 22:37

I'm sorry but I cannot understand that while he doesn't want to be used as an intermediary, why is he reporting everything back to you?

Original poster
Lunalara · 26/10/2025 22:38

Notmymarmosets · 26/10/2025 22:34

The whole lot of you sound completely disfunctional. You don't like his parents, your parents or the way he talks to you. He's a malicious gossip. You define yourself by your sensitivity and people walk on eggs shells around you. You still after five years rely on his parents to let you stay over. He was a teenager when you met him.
Which one of you is going to be the first to gather up their self respect and leave?

I know I am more than my sensitivity, but because my anxiety is really high, it’s difficult to see myself in a good light. I am trying counselling again on Wednesday and hoping it will be more successful this time round.

OP posts:
tragichero · 26/10/2025 22:38

The fact that you didn't say please once is nothing - I can't believe she even bought it up with him!

But he is being absolutely awful passing this shit on - he is clearly trying to make you feel bad about yourself and vulnerable.

Tell him you are unwilling to listen to any more of this nonsense, and that you will be ending the relationship next time he comes to you with petty complaints from his parents.

I would watch out for other similar behaviours too. I know what it is to be in a relationship with someone who actively tries to undermine you - it isn't nice.

And no bloke starts off like this straight away - it always creeps up over time, when they think they have got you where they want you .....

I'd also be wary of his comment that you are "too sensitive." Too sensitive for what?

It's human to have feelings and not want them hurt. Very few people love being nitpicked and undermined.

Sounds like he is trying to establish this as a fact about you, so that when he says or does hurtful things in the future, it's easier to deny responsibility and blame your upset on your "sensitivity". I hope Ian wrong, but please be wary with this guy.. .

Peclet · 26/10/2025 22:41

You sound like you’re in a bad place and instead of supporting you and lifting you up. Your BF is passing on negative shit from his mum, and is calling your sensitive.

I think if my partner said i “couldn’t take criticism” I would flip my lid. It’s a relationship not a bloody performance review!!!

CherrieTomaties · 26/10/2025 22:41

Lunalara · 26/10/2025 22:30

Sometimes when I get upset about what she is doing, he says that it is evidence that I can’t take criticism and I am too sensitive.

Dump this man.

You will probably be a lot less anxious and depressed without him and his mothers criticism in your life.

Original poster
Lunalara · 26/10/2025 22:43

CherrieTomaties · 26/10/2025 22:41

Dump this man.

You will probably be a lot less anxious and depressed without him and his mothers criticism in your life.

Show quote history

I don’t know. My dad gets angry over everything and I have to worry about him shouting over a £50 sudden bill. I would probably be worse off moving home. I just need to prioritise a career and make that my life so I can escape the hell I am in.

OP posts:
Anyahyacinth · 26/10/2025 22:46

It sounds totally like he has learned his behaviours from his Mum and is mimicking his mother and finding ways to knock your confidence and diminish you…this really is a warning …he may be lovely to others but he is being vile to you …you should be a team but he has chosen his Mum as his team mate…if you are sensitive then he should cherish that as being you …if he is trying to change you ….he can’t really love you can he? Feels like a pecking order being established and you are being told you are on the bottom rung ..find your anger about this most unpleasant family and flee

Illegally18 · 26/10/2025 22:48

Lunalara · 26/10/2025 21:55

Because he doesn’t want there to be war between me and them I guess.

Show quote history

But there is a war! A 'silent' war!.

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/10/2025 22:49

Sounds like you are using a less abusive relationship to escape a very abusive one.

Do you have a job? I am sure that if you do you could afford a flatshare. Time to live alone without a parent (anyones parent) standing over you.

Original poster
Lunalara · 26/10/2025 22:49

Anyahyacinth · 26/10/2025 22:46

It sounds totally like he has learned his behaviours from his Mum and is mimicking his mother and finding ways to knock your confidence and diminish you…this really is a warning …he may be lovely to others but he is being vile to you …you should be a team but he has chosen his Mum as his team mate…if you are sensitive then he should cherish that as being you …if he is trying to change you ….he can’t really love you can he? Feels like a pecking order being established and you are being told you are on the bottom rung ..find your anger about this most unpleasant family and flee

I don’t know maybe I should just go no contact with the “mother in law” once I leave for good? I am planning on leaving by spring next year, so perhaps I should just limit my interactions with her? I don’t see how she can criticise me when there is literally nothing to fault. Then again, I don’t know what I am going to do if we decide to have kids one day.

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 26/10/2025 22:49

Lunalara · 26/10/2025 22:30

Sometimes when I get upset about what she is doing, he says that it is evidence that I can’t take criticism and I am too sensitive.

Well he's completely wrong about that.
I notice that people who say mean things, do banter and make supposed, unfunny "jokes" which are thinly veiled insults are always the first to pipe up and say that the person they are bullying cannot take criticism and are too sensitive.

None of us are beyond criticism but it sounds like her behaviour is having a very bad impact on you and on your relationship, but it would be better to recognise now if things can be improved than carry on taking a verbal bashing for years and years.

OP. It sounds like you have been taking criticism for the last five years.. and that is enough to wear anyone down.

His mother sounds like a rude cow.
He is still young and it sounds like he's completely under her thumb and is expected to obey. You say she picks on him too. It could be that she's transferring the brunt of her criticisms to you.... and that suits both of them.. without realising your BF is slightly glad not to be as much in the firing line. Plus the constant complaints from her growing up have kept him obedient and very very eager to gain any approval he can get.

She absolutely knows he passes her mean comments on. How dare she say that about your mum. If he stood up for you instead of joining in and acting as her messenger... she'd know that she couldn't continue.
But he doesn't. Because he doesn't its the same as giving her permission to carry on doing it because he will never speak up.

Which unfortunately means that you cannot trust him to have your back. This can have quite an impact on a relationship... You cannot rely on him to speak up for you, so you have to advocate for your self.
"MIL.. I hear you were offended by me not saying please on ONE occasion. I'd prefer you to say these things to me directly and not use BF as a messenger... afterall it was only one time and I make every effort to say please... "
"I'm not over sensitive, I'm just tired of always being criticised by you when its not really necessary.
Have some phrases up your sleeve. Deliver it in calm, firm tones, without sarcasm as if you were commenting on the weather.
But frankly all of that is exhausting and you've already had five years of this.
You should both go to counselling.. and see if it seems the situation can be salvaged, and if your BF would recognise that she's a bully and start giving you some support.
Dont put up with it by seeing her too often. Sad to say, she is unlikely to change unless you both stand up to her.

CarpetKnees · 26/10/2025 22:49

Notmymarmosets · 26/10/2025 22:34

The whole lot of you sound completely disfunctional. You don't like his parents, your parents or the way he talks to you. He's a malicious gossip. You define yourself by your sensitivity and people walk on eggs shells around you. You still after five years rely on his parents to let you stay over. He was a teenager when you met him.
Which one of you is going to be the first to gather up their self respect and leave?

I have to agree with this.

I'm aware you have replied you've not lived with them for all that time, but the rest still stands.
You have moved into your boyfriend's' parents' home. The bf you started seeing when he was 18 and you were quite a bit older. You are identifying as sensitive, and you are making your bf's mother 'walk on eggshells' in her own home.
This isn't nice for you, or for her.
You need to find yourself somewhere else to live.

Your bf sounds immature - and probably is because he is immature, at 23 and only having been in this one relationship.
You both need to gain your independence and to like yourselves before you can be successful in a relationship.

Original poster
Lunalara · 26/10/2025 22:50

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/10/2025 22:49

Sounds like you are using a less abusive relationship to escape a very abusive one.

Do you have a job? I am sure that if you do you could afford a flatshare. Time to live alone without a parent (anyones parent) standing over you.

I am a teaching assistant, which I got after I left teaching. I can’t afford to flat share at the moment. I do have a Masters and a tiny bit of professional work experience, so it might just be a matter of time?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lunalara · 26/10/2025 22:52

CarpetKnees · 26/10/2025 22:49

I have to agree with this.

I'm aware you have replied you've not lived with them for all that time, but the rest still stands.
You have moved into your boyfriend's' parents' home. The bf you started seeing when he was 18 and you were quite a bit older. You are identifying as sensitive, and you are making your bf's mother 'walk on eggshells' in her own home.
This isn't nice for you, or for her.
You need to find yourself somewhere else to live.

Your bf sounds immature - and probably is because he is immature, at 23 and only having been in this one relationship.
You both need to gain your independence and to like yourselves before you can be successful in a relationship.

Show quote history

He had quite a few relationships before me. I don’t know what I did as I was always trying my best for her. I agree independence is a priority though. Perhaps it’s a matter of sending as many applications as I can and getting a career so I can make a decision from a clearer mind.

OP posts: