A Mumsnet Story

[HowDairy]

(Please humour me, I'm ill and thoroughly fed up of being ill!)

It was a dark and stormy night.
The wind was howling and it sounded menacing.
In the distance I could see...

I filled up DP's Penis Beaker and....

The Velvetiser with...

A packet of out of date chicken soup mix from the back of my cupboard (far too much UPF for me nowadays) added boiling water and ….

Was about to aim it at their sand pit when…

…..OMG……. The doorbell rang

It was yet another delivery for the people over the road. I’ve stuck to my guns and told them, no, I’m not taking a double bed in for them, leave it on their doorstep. I already have their double wardrobe from Ikea blocking my hall. But now I’m panicking, what if they hate me? And I need to prioritise, because my stress levels are spiralling and I’m worried because…

The neighbours would think I have a sandpit it's a germ pit of hell and one wouldn't have that my child aged five much prefers to read pride and prejudice.

The curse of the G&T child, on the one hand reading P&P at bedtime and having to do all the voices, let alone having to fake-downplay it at the gate when they come out clutching In Search of Lost Time rather than Stig of the Dump. Five is such an inquisitive age, but time must still be found for fencing and harp lessons before Beavers. Which reminds me to tell you, DS’s troupe learnt how to whittle last Thursday, and the little demon has now carved Janice’s IKEA bedstead into a miniature of the Gates of Hell. What to say to Janice about that…

I sneaked a look out the curtains while trying not to move them and I saw Derek's shadow through his bathroom window - I think he's having a shower, I should...

Stop watching him, but...

I find myself strangely fascinated by the enormous……

Protruding...

Penis in a beaker next to his bed..

On top the nest of tables.

I surreptitiously grabbed my binoculars that just happened to be on the window sill (not that I’d ever considered using them before to get a better view of the comings and goings in the street where I live), and soon realised that……

They were the infamous Snape Maltings tables!
Derek had done a dirty on Alan.
He knew Alan had his heart set on those tables.
Off to do an AIBU on 'Should I tell my neighbour that another neighbour has stolen his tables, but not just any tables but the MN famous Snape Maltings tables'.

I know how not to drip feed 😉

Well, Mrs Alan should be pleased.
I think her name is...

Hyacinth.

though I have it on good authority that her birth name is actually Helen.

But she has always had delusions of grandeur. She wouldn’t be seen dead in her local branch of Home Bargain in Primark pyjamas for example ; only the very finest Mongolian cashmere loungewear for when she’s doing the weekly shop at B&M.

My neighbour Dotty, two doors down, always says that Hyacinth…….

Has an interesting array of upside down pineapples on her front door.
You often hear cries of Hounslow.

The Hounslow branch of IKEA that is - where people wander the aisles, wishing they knew what they were looking for, and end up buying..

...a poster print, three Billy bookcases and a pack of 100 tealights and a meatball dinner from the restaurant.
On the way to the tills, they also picked up...

A few more beakers for the bedside table and a massive salad bowl

Thank god they started a thread saying "off to ikea, what should I buy?"

Although it won't all fit in the Range Rover 😬

A fight broke out in the car park!!

All because someone had parked in the parent and child spaces, yet their child was clearly about 9 years old and obviously didn't need a special child place.

You wouldn't believe.....