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Original poster

500 mile round trip for a dinner - we're not mad are we?

601 replies

Decisionsdecisions1 · 20/10/2025 08:19

It's MiL's 80th birthday - she is lovely, a really kind, positive person. She lives 250 miles away unfortunately - DP's extended family (also lovely) suggested doing a dinner in a nice restaurant with everyone to make it special. We don't usually see MiL on her birthday as we only really travel down in school hols.

So we'll be travelling Fri evening, leaving Sun morning. Will be around 5-6 hours each way. We haven't planned too much during the day Saturday as MiL gets tired and isn't as mobile as she used to be.

The problem is dd(13) is in a sulk as she's missing a friends birthday party and rehearsal for a dance show and is moaning that there will be nothing for her to do and no young people to talk to. (All her cousins are away at uni and not coming).

My instinct if I'm honest is to tell her to suck it up, life is about giving not just taking etc. But I'm now worried she'll be monosyllabic and sulk all weekend. I can make her go - I can't make her be chatty etc. And I'll then be annoyed with her for not thinking of her GM.

Or are we mad travelling all that way for 36 hours.....dd is making me doubt myself...

OP posts:
MumChp · 20/10/2025 08:22

Leave the 13 yo with a friend's family to do her stuff. Her couisins aren't coming. It's ok.

PennyPugwash · 20/10/2025 08:23

Well whatever about your daughter, but you shouldn’t miss this.
can’t she stay with friends?

Scampuss · 20/10/2025 08:24

Not mad to do the trip at all, but I'd try to facilitate a way for dd to stay behind and attend the party and rehearsal.

Wreckinball · 20/10/2025 08:26

To be blunt, by the law of averages there aren’t many birthdays left, all go. That aside it’ll be a lovely weekend with family, if DD is going to be on her own get her to stay over with a pal but really, she should go.

Springtimehere · 20/10/2025 08:27

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Neveranynamesleft · 20/10/2025 08:27

You all should go, it is a one off celebration. However, if there is a chance there could be teenage strops and dramas that could spoil the occasion then try arrange somewhere for them to stay home.

AppleStrudel16 · 20/10/2025 08:27

Tell her to suck it up.

tripleginandtonic · 20/10/2025 08:30

MumChp · 20/10/2025 08:22

Leave the 13 yo with a friend's family to do her stuff. Her couisins aren't coming. It's ok.

This.

Poonu · 20/10/2025 08:32

I wish I could have attended my grandmother's 80th birthday. This occasion will never come back.

ShyMaryEllen · 20/10/2025 08:34

Hmm. I think I would threaten the teen with a fate worse than death if she didn’t step up for her granny and behave, then reward her when she does. Not bribery in advance, as she has to learn that there are times when we put our own wants second, but I would let her see with hindsight that it pays off. That seems from your OP to be your instinct too (possibly without the threatening behaviour 😉) so go with it.

Family things can be a pain, but if everyone opts out they can’t happen at all, and for the people at the centre (ie your MIL in this case) they are important. It will be your daughter’s turn soon enough. Would she want people opting out of her 18th/graduation/whatever?

DysonLover1 · 20/10/2025 08:34

AppleStrudel16 · 20/10/2025 08:27

Tell her to suck it up.

This ⬆️

PurpleChrayn · 20/10/2025 08:38

That’s crazy.

FlamingoBiscuits · 20/10/2025 08:39

I would arrange for the 13 yr old to stay behind with friends and get to go to her things.

If her cousins aren't coming back from uni, why should she have to miss her things?

I would 100% go and don't think that journey over a weekend is too much. But I wouldn't make the 13 yr old come.

FlamingoBiscuits · 20/10/2025 08:40

ShyMaryEllen · 20/10/2025 08:34

Hmm. I think I would threaten the teen with a fate worse than death if she didn’t step up for her granny and behave, then reward her when she does. Not bribery in advance, as she has to learn that there are times when we put our own wants second, but I would let her see with hindsight that it pays off. That seems from your OP to be your instinct too (possibly without the threatening behaviour 😉) so go with it.

Family things can be a pain, but if everyone opts out they can’t happen at all, and for the people at the centre (ie your MIL in this case) they are important. It will be your daughter’s turn soon enough. Would she want people opting out of her 18th/graduation/whatever?

But all of the cousins aren't going?

Dancingsquirrels · 20/10/2025 08:40

80th birthday is very special and takes priority

Figgygal · 20/10/2025 08:42

If my 13yo behaved like that over a grandparents birthday they'd be made very aware how disgusting their attitude was and the need to accept not everything is on their terms.
They'd be going!!

QueenClinomania · 20/10/2025 08:42

Just echoing loads here but I agree that since her cousins aren't going and there's nobody her age going then seeing if she can stay with a friend would be a good idea.

Harassedmum123 · 20/10/2025 08:43

I also think it would be fairer if dd was allowed to stay at home. You will likely have a better time without her there and parties and dance rehearsals are important too. I’m sure she’d have a friend who she could stay with and you reciprocate another time.

AutumnCosy2025 · 20/10/2025 08:43

Decisionsdecisions1 · 20/10/2025 08:19

It's MiL's 80th birthday - she is lovely, a really kind, positive person. She lives 250 miles away unfortunately - DP's extended family (also lovely) suggested doing a dinner in a nice restaurant with everyone to make it special. We don't usually see MiL on her birthday as we only really travel down in school hols.

So we'll be travelling Fri evening, leaving Sun morning. Will be around 5-6 hours each way. We haven't planned too much during the day Saturday as MiL gets tired and isn't as mobile as she used to be.

The problem is dd(13) is in a sulk as she's missing a friends birthday party and rehearsal for a dance show and is moaning that there will be nothing for her to do and no young people to talk to. (All her cousins are away at uni and not coming).

My instinct if I'm honest is to tell her to suck it up, life is about giving not just taking etc. But I'm now worried she'll be monosyllabic and sulk all weekend. I can make her go - I can't make her be chatty etc. And I'll then be annoyed with her for not thinking of her GM.

Or are we mad travelling all that way for 36 hours.....dd is making me doubt myself...

No you're not being unreasonable going or making her go.

its sad it's necessary, but if you think there's a chance if her being like that & talking to her nicely about it won't work, then I'd be making it very clear that if she doesn't behave well there will be consequences. Missing one rehearsal will be the least if her problems!

(and yes I've been in & directed many shows & parents pulling kids out IS a nightmare, but that's life.)

sashh · 20/10/2025 08:45

I think the 13 year old should be told that her presence at the dinner is her present to her grandma.

OP

We did similar for my dad's 80th. He had no idea what was going to happen.

My dad lives in Lancashire, my brother and family are in Cornwall, other relatives came from London, North and West Yorkshire. So if you are mad so are we.

We did a lunchtime meal, if MIL gets tired that might be an idea.

AutumnCosy2025 · 20/10/2025 08:47

Harassedmum123 · 20/10/2025 08:43

I also think it would be fairer if dd was allowed to stay at home. You will likely have a better time without her there and parties and dance rehearsals are important too. I’m sure she’d have a friend who she could stay with and you reciprocate another time.

Grandparents are important, family is important. She's old enough not to need 'playmates'. It's not FOR her, it's FOR her Grandmother.

BiddyPopthe2nd · 20/10/2025 08:47

I would. But I am biased. I am in the train station on the very last leg of my trip for a family 50th. Flight Friday night from European city to my home city. Drive Saturday morning to my home home 3 hours away. Drive back Sunday lunchtime to my home. Then 6:30 am flight back to work this morning so a 3:45am start. I should be in my apartment by 10:30 (a little later than planned) and into the office by 11am.

And I am very glad I did it (and will sleep soooo sound tonight!).

rainbowstardrops · 20/10/2025 08:47

Absolutely not unreasonable to make the trip and I’d be telling your 13 year old to suck it up and think of her grandma and stop being so selfish. I also think the other cousins should make the effort (if possible) to attend as well.

Tryingatleast · 20/10/2025 08:48

I love the replies and to be honest op you’ve given me a kick to see my mum more (2 hours away and my work makes it difficult but I’ve been thinking about changing things lately). Another that says if there’s someone who can have your dd it will be easier

childofthe607080s · 20/10/2025 08:49

It’s a tiring trip - as I know as I have done such a trip many times but for grandmas birthday - not a problem at all

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