500 mile round trip for a dinner - we're not mad are we?

[Decisionsdecisions1]

It's MiL's 80th birthday - she is lovely, a really kind, positive person. She lives 250 miles away unfortunately - DP's extended family (also lovely) suggested doing a dinner in a nice restaurant with everyone to make it special. We don't usually see MiL on her birthday as we only really travel down in school hols.

So we'll be travelling Fri evening, leaving Sun morning. Will be around 5-6 hours each way. We haven't planned too much during the day Saturday as MiL gets tired and isn't as mobile as she used to be.

The problem is dd(13) is in a sulk as she's missing a friends birthday party and rehearsal for a dance show and is moaning that there will be nothing for her to do and no young people to talk to. (All her cousins are away at uni and not coming).

My instinct if I'm honest is to tell her to suck it up, life is about giving not just taking etc. But I'm now worried she'll be monosyllabic and sulk all weekend. I can make her go - I can't make her be chatty etc. And I'll then be annoyed with her for not thinking of her GM.

Or are we mad travelling all that way for 36 hours.....dd is making me doubt myself...

I dont think its a problem at all to travel that far, you're staying the weekend so its the same as a long weekend break. Daughter will have to come, end of

Except none of her other cousins are attending so it’s clearly not that important.

When are the daughters things on and when is the dinner?
Do they (including travel) overlap? Or could dh go up for the full weekend as it’s his mum and you follow later by train with dd so she’s not staying the full weekend just one night so she’s not missing her dance thing? Surely a competition rehearsal is a good enough excuse for that.

Her cousins being careless doesn’t mean she can be.

This isn't about the distance at all. Of course you have to go for an 80th. And spaced out over a weekend is hardly a mammoth trip.

The issue is your 13 year old dd. If she has no-one to stay with for the weekend, then she has to come along.

If you cancel going just for this reason, you are really setting yourself up for problems in the future.

I find it mad how people are saying leave her with her friends. No its her grandmothers birthday possibly her last. Its a family event. Her family she sucks it up and goes. If she sulks just ignore her. 13 years old running the show jesus wept.

Just occassionally you have to put yourself out for family. Milestone birthdays are one of those times. You can allow DD time to process her emotions whilst showing her that investing in people who love you is a good thing to do.

Well that sort of attitude sounds like an excellent way to make your grandchildren begrudge every moment they spend with you.

Frankly I'd be more understanding of a teenager being disappointed about missing both a rehearsal and a party than an adult throwing their weight around and doling out excessive and rather cruel punishments.

What's strange about insisting that a 13 year old to behave herself at her Grandmother's birthday party?

i also think the cousins not going is a red herring as well as them not going impacts just them
Yiur DH needs to go so you all go

The PP had a good point. I wouldn't go, either. For a site that sneers so much at adult birthdays, suddenly an 80th is so important? Make it make sense.

Id do the meal and take my dd, family time is important and sometimes we have to suck it up with things we might find boring.

Getting the later train means she can go to the dance practice for the show in 2026 so its a great compromise

I drove 150 miles for breakfast one morning 300 mile round trip, I wanted to treat my dad for his birthday - little did I know that within 6 weeks he would be diagnosed as terminally ill and it was his last birthday. Dad loved Betty's in Harrogate, as we went into lockdown just 2 days after diagnose, he never went out again

couldn't agree more!

You wouldn't have to dole out the punishments because a 13 year old would comply rather than be grounded. I don't consider what I said to be 'throwing weight around' - it's part of being a parent to make the rules as well as provide the safety and love.

That’s not the strangeness I was referring to.

What do you mean then?

You all should go to the party and also make the most of the weekend. Travel up together.
Resolve to enjoy the whole trip.
DD13 year old will soon forget about missing her dance practise. She needs to learn loyalty and respect to her family.

Make a bet that at least some of the other grandchildren do attend, if not that is very poor form..

How are they being careless?

Life doesn’t stop just because someone is having a birthday meal.

She’s thirteen, she goes with you. Yes, she will miss a couple of things, but every child will miss a couple of things sometimes for family reasons.

I’d definitely go. I’m sure you have done thousands of things for your daughter you didn’t want to do.

80th birthday of her grandma is a huge thing.

I think I should clarify dd isn't a ballet dancer or anything....I didn't realise when I said 'dance rehearsal' it would come across as such a big thing, sorry. It's not a big deal at all, no need to even let the teacher know. Its just a casual free club run by her normal school dance teacher.

Its interesting that people's 13 yr olds can crash at friends for a whole weekend. I can't think of any of dd's friends who do that - especially if their parents are away.
Not sure I could leave dd to ferry herself between various homes and hang around at someones house while her friends went and played football matches etc while we were so far away. I suspect she'd essentially stay home alone and just go to her friends overnight.
But 13 seems too young to leave her home alone for a weekend, even if overnight she is at a friends.

Where on earth takes 6 hours to do 250 miles

That is an average speed of about 40mph

I have done a 250 mile drive to the SW where motorways only take me half way
That took me 4 hours and I did the commute several times per week for a couple of weeks

Threatening to ground her for a month and not give her any birthday or Christmas presents - it’s an absolutely ridiculous overreaction to a 13yo not wanting to spend her weekend with all her adult relatives while her cousins all get to opt out.

my family live 250 miles away and yes i’d do the trip. I’d probably take the train though. Daughter will have to suck it up, it’s an important occasion.

I'd always make my daughter go. One day Granny won't be in her life, I'd let her pick the tunes for the car and pick a new outfit to wear. I'd also let her choose where we eat tea on way down etc.

I don't think your daughter should be able to dictate whether or not you attend.