500 mile round trip for a dinner - we're not mad are we?

[Decisionsdecisions1]

It's MiL's 80th birthday - she is lovely, a really kind, positive person. She lives 250 miles away unfortunately - DP's extended family (also lovely) suggested doing a dinner in a nice restaurant with everyone to make it special. We don't usually see MiL on her birthday as we only really travel down in school hols.

So we'll be travelling Fri evening, leaving Sun morning. Will be around 5-6 hours each way. We haven't planned too much during the day Saturday as MiL gets tired and isn't as mobile as she used to be.

The problem is dd(13) is in a sulk as she's missing a friends birthday party and rehearsal for a dance show and is moaning that there will be nothing for her to do and no young people to talk to. (All her cousins are away at uni and not coming).

My instinct if I'm honest is to tell her to suck it up, life is about giving not just taking etc. But I'm now worried she'll be monosyllabic and sulk all weekend. I can make her go - I can't make her be chatty etc. And I'll then be annoyed with her for not thinking of her GM.

Or are we mad travelling all that way for 36 hours.....dd is making me doubt myself...

We're taking train. Door to door each way will be circa 5-6 hours.

80th birthdays are not important to 13 year olds especially when the 80 year old lives hours and hours and hours away. This isn't a granny she sees every day and is really close to and none of her cousins are going either.13 year olds have their own little life where socialising with peers is starting to become really important. Let her stay with a friend if she can arrange something.

What's the point of forcing her to do something she doesn't want to and won't enjoy? People are obsessed with showing their kids who's boss on here, and making them 'suck it up'. Alternatively you could work with them and understand that they'll be much more appreciative and much less resentful if you allow them to do their thing.

Yes I think 13 is too young for a weekend essentilly looking after herself and I don’t think not wanting to visit grandma counts as the kind of emergency that would make me pick up the phone and ask her best friends parents to have her for a whole
weekend

When an older, (much-loved by us and our teen DC’s) relative was scheduled in for a major surgery, from which we weren’t sure they would recover from, we planned a lovely day out the weekend prior to it.

One DC was older and realised what was going on, while the younger one just didn’t get it, didn’t want to be there, and moaned about it loudly, in front of the relative.

After about an hour of this, I lost it. Commanded younger DC to come with me, took them aside and blasted them (in a whisper) about how their relative had less than a 50% chance of getting through the surgery they were facing, that we were trying to leave relative with some lovely memories about time spent together with their favourite youngsters, just in case they didn’t make it, and berated DC about how selfish they were being by trying to spoil the occasion by their sulking.

Younger DC went white, walked away for about 5 minutes, then came back a different person! Spent the remaining time of the visit being utterly charming, laughing and joking Etc. and really stepped up!

I was so proud of them, and I told them that later.

Relative survived the surgery and lived for a further 10+ years while remaining a significant figure in my DC’s life up to the end of theirs.

Younger DC learned a lesson that day!

I’ve done trips like this often so yes, I’d go. It will mean a lot to MiL and I think you should make your daughter go for the same reason.

@Tanya285yiu do know that life is full of things you just have to suck up and I rather suspect that long term it will help the child to understand that , and to understand that life doesn’t fall apart when you don’t get your own way.

Re the two cousins not going (there are only two) - its their decision - they are even further away than us to be fair.
To be honest if dd was old enough to stay home alone she probably wouldn't come either.

In theory, the distance is fine. Especially as you're making a weekend of it.

However, if your daughter will be there on her own as the cousins are at university and there is no similar expectation of them to attend, I'd be looking for an alternative to enable her to stay at home.

If the student cousins were also making sacrifices and going, I'd expect her to go.

Lucky you. We leave in the north east with family in Wiltshire, it’s very common for the journey to take 6 hours as the last part of it at either end isn’t anywhere near a main road.

OP I’d go and make DD go with you, she’ll survive. We’ll be doing similar in the summer.

Does she have a friend she could stay with?

At that age, my daughter and her friends frequently spent the weekends at each other's houses and we covered stuff like this.

I don’t think it will be a fun weekend for any of you tbh - that’s a long time in the car for a couple of hours in a restaurant.

Personally I wouldn’t go and would arrange a longer trip to see MIL where you can all spend a decent amount of time together.

@Decisionsdecisions1 I think you can see the dance mums on here - I already have 3 dates next year pencilled in for the dance show and one is definitely not missable but yours sounds fine

if There is no option to leave she has to go it doesn’t sound as if she is missing much serious stuff and you can’t leave her behind

Good Lord - I really wouldn’t bother.

I was at some of my grandparents' birthdays and always attended Christmas celebrations at their house too when I was a teen and in my early 20s. Can't say I regret those I haven't attended or that I look back fondly on the ones I have. These were just OK, I guess? Nothing too remarkable for a teenager.
She has her own plans and schedule, let her do it, just make sure she calls her grandma and makes a solid conversation.

I had a sulky teen once.
Of course I made him go and see his nan on her 80th. He was told to put his face straight and have respect for his nan who had always been kind to him. One weekend with extended family out of the year wasnt going to kill him. The world doesn't rebolve round him and his grumpy moods.

There was no question of him being left behind and there was no way I was telling my mum that ds1 didn't want to see her.

Anyway he went and he was absolutely fine and even enjoyed himself. He loved talking to his grandad about football and having a catch up with his cousins and having a laugh with his nan.

What about “bribing” her? Arrange for a get together with friends to make up for the party she’s missing? Or something else
I think absolutely not. Sometimes you don't want to do things but that's life. You shouldn't need bribing to attend a family event ( assuming there are no issues in the family etc)

She's 13 years old and it's her lovely granny's 80th birthday. It wouldn't be negotiable for me.

My DD is in "just a school show" and its now missing a rehearsal on pain of death but show is next month. Next year would be fine (and they don't do rehearsals on Fridays for good reason!)

Is there something she would really enjoy in MILs area... a shopping centre, museum, market etc?

I'd agree for a meal but this is Friday - Sunday so a whole weekend for one meal.

That's a bit different.

We have had almost this exact situation. Gran 200 miles away, long weekend so we could stay for her 80th birthday.
Dd14 whinged so much for the week before that her dad - a quiet man - turned to her and said "it is not about you sweetheart, it is my mum's 80th birthday, we are going".

That was enough.

She needs to go if you don't have other family she can stay home with. If something fell through with plans for her to stay over at a friend's, she's too to stay home alone and you can't just nip back to her.

It will suck for her and I think it's good to acknowledge to her that the situation isn't ideal, but there will be times in life where she has to do things she'd prefer not to. She probably will be a bit sulky, but unless she's actively saying rude things, then I think accept she isn't going to be a social butterfly at the meal and let her sit quietly. If there's something small you can offer like letting her choose where to stop to get food and drink on the journey, that may soften the blow a little.

We regularly travel long distances by car (across Europe) to see family - driving for up to 14 hours, taking turns. Yes, it's tiring and boring but worth it.

I am shocked at all the replies about leaving your daughter behind because she's moaning about it or her cousins are not there. In my opinion family comes first, always. And it's a value you learn through the small things, including sacrificing a weekend to boredom. It's not just about the fact her grandparents will not be there one day and she should make the most out of it, but it's really about teaching her what is important in life, the importance to show up, the meaning of putting other people's feeling before yours sometimes.

All of this.

The comments saying "I wouldn't make her go if she doesn't want to". Have any of you ever met a teenager before?! They rarely want to do anything unless it's what they class as enjoyable. But it's tough shit when it comes to a family meal or celebration. It's one weekend in a year FFS!

When did we all of a sudden start to centre our world around what children want to do?!

The thread title is a bit misleading, as it isn't just for a dinner at all. It's not like you've seen a highly-recommended restaurant in Sheffield in the Sunday Times that looks really enticing, but you live in Glasgow.

An 80th birthday isn't just a landmark birthday; as PP have said, it's very likely going to be her last landmark birthday.

Your DD will have so much opportunity still to strike out and do so many parties, gatherings, meals out and all of the fun things in her life over the next 5, 10, 20, 40, 60 years. Her Grandma won't.

Abso-fucking-lutely 👏

And we wonder why we're ending up with a young generation who can't take no for an answer or have no respect for authority? Because they're being taught from a young age that they don't have to do anything they don't want to do.

I think it's really sad how many people are saying leave the 13 year old at home. Why are kids these days not able to spend 24 hours with their grandparents? Why are we pandering to her? She's a child and needs some structure and boundaries. You're in danger of bringing up a spoilt brat if you even hint at compromise or letting her have her own way. It's her gran's 80th, she needs to learn to have a bit of respect. I totally agree with you that she needs to suck it up.