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Original poster

500 mile round trip for a dinner - we're not mad are we?

601 replies

Decisionsdecisions1 · 20/10/2025 08:19

It's MiL's 80th birthday - she is lovely, a really kind, positive person. She lives 250 miles away unfortunately - DP's extended family (also lovely) suggested doing a dinner in a nice restaurant with everyone to make it special. We don't usually see MiL on her birthday as we only really travel down in school hols.

So we'll be travelling Fri evening, leaving Sun morning. Will be around 5-6 hours each way. We haven't planned too much during the day Saturday as MiL gets tired and isn't as mobile as she used to be.

The problem is dd(13) is in a sulk as she's missing a friends birthday party and rehearsal for a dance show and is moaning that there will be nothing for her to do and no young people to talk to. (All her cousins are away at uni and not coming).

My instinct if I'm honest is to tell her to suck it up, life is about giving not just taking etc. But I'm now worried she'll be monosyllabic and sulk all weekend. I can make her go - I can't make her be chatty etc. And I'll then be annoyed with her for not thinking of her GM.

Or are we mad travelling all that way for 36 hours.....dd is making me doubt myself...

OP posts:
YearningForAWinteryWinter · 20/10/2025 08:51

What about “bribing” her? Arrange for a get together with friends to make up for the party she’s missing? Or something else.
I think it’s really important to put some expectations on teens for family. Especially if they are good, loving people.

ConnieHeart · 20/10/2025 08:51

I think, unless there's a way she can stay with someone and attend the party etc, which is unlikely, she'll have to come. The meal is surely just a small part of the weekend. You can do other fun stuff just the 3 of you? And at the meal she can chat to the other relatives who will hopefully make her feel included

Original poster
Decisionsdecisions1 · 20/10/2025 08:51

Thanks all.

We really don't have anyone we could leave dd with for a whole weekend. One night would be fine, I could arrange a sleepover for one night - but Fri eve to Sun afternoon is too big an ask of friends who are juggling their own kids various activities and their own plans.
My own family are 200 miles away in the opposite direction. My parents never come down as they can't cope with the journey.

Dd is too young to left alone so has to come with us.

OP posts:
diddl · 20/10/2025 08:53

What is her relationship like with her GM?

Why aren't the cousins going?

Presumably she hadn't already agreed to go to her friend's birthday?

I'd leave her if I could if she will be miserable.

Tiswa · 20/10/2025 08:53

The other side is I have a dancer and missing dance rehearsals can be seen very negatively especially if you haven’t explained why and could impact her role on the dance and show

what is her relationship like with her MIL - the fact her cousins aren’t going is huge

pizzaHeart · 20/10/2025 08:54

How special is the birthday party and how important is the rehearsal? I know people would say that she’s only 13 y.o. but for her it might be a really big thing. Also would her missing a rehearsal affect others?
If it’s really important in her world and you can’t leave her maybe you can stay and DH will go on his own?

Cakeandusername · 20/10/2025 08:55

Dance rehearsal presumably isn’t optional so will miss show too. I’d ask another dance mum if she can stay with them so not to miss.
Then you go to meal.

Perplexed20 · 20/10/2025 08:55

It wouldn't even be an option in our house. Its her grandmother. She is going to be 80.

diddl · 20/10/2025 08:55

Well if she can't stay with anyone she has no choice than to suck it up does she?

Acornhat · 20/10/2025 08:55

I’d try make it fun for her, is there anywhere she’d like to stop along the way for an hour or two, even if it makes the journey longer. Or can you bribe her with a new game or something?
alternatively I just wouldn’t go, her cousins aren’t coming back so it’s not thaaat important to the family who arranged it to ensure everyone’s there. You could celebrate with mil in the school holidays like you normally would.

Original poster
Decisionsdecisions1 · 20/10/2025 08:56

The reality is we don't have anyone we can leave her with for a whole weekend. I don't think we're alone in that among our friends group - the only people who have left their 13 yr olds for that long have left them with GPs.

OP posts:
niadainud · 20/10/2025 08:57

Going slightly against the grain, I think it's a bit unfair to describe your DD as sulking. Teens can feel disappointment very strongly (as can adults!) and 13 is still very young to expect magnanimity.

Could you compromise by visiting your MIL again with your daughter in the near future?

Original poster
Decisionsdecisions1 · 20/10/2025 08:57

Cakeandusername · 20/10/2025 08:55

Dance rehearsal presumably isn’t optional so will miss show too. I’d ask another dance mum if she can stay with them so not to miss.
Then you go to meal.

She won't miss the show for missing one rehearsal. The show isn't until next year. Dd will fret about it though so am looking at getting the next (last) train so she can go.

OP posts:
Cakeandusername · 20/10/2025 08:57

Can DH go to meal and you take DD. I think it’s really unfair to force her to miss rehearsal it would have been a massive deal for my dc who went to a strict dance school. If you’ve committed to show you go to rehearsal.

Starlight1984 · 20/10/2025 08:57

You're travelling Friday night and leaving Sunday morning so it's literally just the Saturday. Assuming she is a pretty normal 13 year old, she will be in bed until late morning, get up, have breakfast / lunch, go out and do something for a few hours, birthday meal in the evening then bed. Not sure how that is going to be such a struggle for a teenager?!

Oh and if she was sulking and moaning, I would tell her to put her face straight and not be a spoilt brat. Unfortunately the world doesn't always revolve around what children want to do (despite the fact we seem to have headed that way!)

Tiswa · 20/10/2025 08:58

@Decisionsdecisions1 Have you spoken to the dance school about missing the rehearsal so she can feel better about that? DD did miss one (we did a Friday to Monday drive to Germany to watch a football match so even longer) and it was all fine but she maybe stressed about that. So if you could reassure her on that one
But then say it is important for you all to be there

Cakeandusername · 20/10/2025 08:58

I was thinking it was dress rehearsal. If show isn’t until next year then that’s different although would have still been frowned upon at my dc’s dance school (RAD ballet)

thisishowloween · 20/10/2025 08:58

I’m surprised your 13yo doesn’t have someone she can crash with for two nights.

Personally I wouldn’t make her go - it sounds really dull and tiring.

Shetlands · 20/10/2025 08:59

Could you not tell her that if she sulks and ruins the weekend, she'll be grounded for a month and can forget receiving any birthday or Christmas presents? Just lay down the rules and stick to them. (I'm a granny!)

Truetoself · 20/10/2025 08:59

I would certainly make that trip and make the 13 year old suck it up. The milestone birthday of a beloved grandparent trumps her other events and if she doesn’t realise that even aged 13, there is some work to do as a parent

Original poster
Decisionsdecisions1 · 20/10/2025 09:00

Cakeandusername · 20/10/2025 08:57

Can DH go to meal and you take DD. I think it’s really unfair to force her to miss rehearsal it would have been a massive deal for my dc who went to a strict dance school. If you’ve committed to show you go to rehearsal.

I think I may have oversold the dance thing sorry! It's not a dance school, just a school club, very casual, she's not a dancer or anything LOL

OP posts:
Starlight1984 · 20/10/2025 09:00

Acornhat · 20/10/2025 08:55

I’d try make it fun for her, is there anywhere she’d like to stop along the way for an hour or two, even if it makes the journey longer. Or can you bribe her with a new game or something?
alternatively I just wouldn’t go, her cousins aren’t coming back so it’s not thaaat important to the family who arranged it to ensure everyone’s there. You could celebrate with mil in the school holidays like you normally would.

Bribe her?! To go to a family meal to celebrate her Grandma?!

Jesus fucking Christ. What a world we live in.

alternatively I just wouldn’t go

How lovely of you.

thisishowloween · 20/10/2025 09:00

Shetlands · 20/10/2025 08:59

Could you not tell her that if she sulks and ruins the weekend, she'll be grounded for a month and can forget receiving any birthday or Christmas presents? Just lay down the rules and stick to them. (I'm a granny!)

What a strange attitude.

FourIsNewSix · 20/10/2025 09:00

You said that leaving her with someone for the whole weekend is too much, but one night would be possible.
Any chance for two one nights sleep overs with two different friends?

AliceMaforethought · 20/10/2025 09:00

I wouldn't travel that far, no. And if you do, I would leave the teen behind, I agree with her TBH. She has her own friends and her own life!