Page 24 | 500 mile round trip for a dinner - we're not mad are we?

Decisionsdecisions1 · 2025-10-20T07:19:44+00:00

It's MiL's 80th birthday - she is lovely, a really kind, positive person. She lives 250 miles away unfortunately - DP's extended family (also lovely) suggested doing a dinner in a nice restaurant with everyone to make it special. We don't usually see MiL on her birthday as we only really travel down in school hols. So we'll be travelling Fri evening, leaving Sun morning. Will be around 5-6 hours each way. We haven't planned too much during the day Saturday as MiL gets tired and isn't as mobile as she used to be. The problem is dd(13) is in a sulk as she's missing a friends birthday party and rehearsal for a dance show and is moaning that there will be nothing for her to do and no young people to talk to. (All her cousins are away at uni and not coming). My instinct if I'm honest is to tell her to suck it up, life is about giving not just taking etc. But I'm now worried she'll be monosyllabic and sulk all weekend. I can make her go - I can't make her be chatty etc. And I'll then be annoyed with her for not thinking of her GM. Or are we mad travelling all that way for 36 hours.....dd is making me doubt myself...

SheilaFentiman · 21/10/2025 14:46

Yes thats selfish and not thinking of dd in this instance.

I don’t think that’s selfish! More time is good for you, good for DH and good for MIL.

As is often the way, someone has to make a bit of a sacrifice- this time with a friday departure, it is DD and one dance club rehearsal. I’m sure lots of time it is you or DH when you offer to pick her up from something rather than going to the pub or cinema etc. It’s the ebbs and flows of family life.

cardibach · 21/10/2025 15:35

ThisGentleRaven · 21/10/2025 11:47

if something "comes up" when you have already made plans, yes, I stand by this, it IS rude to change your mind.

If something comes up and you are not available, you do say that you are not available.

It's VERY rare that your sister will be flying that very weekend from Australia for the first time in 10 years and it's your only chance to see her before another 10 years 😂Things happen, but come on, it's rare.

If it's a birthday diner, it can be organised another time - if it was that important, the weekend would have been booked months ago and no plans made for another birthday party.

It's not that difficult.

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Maybe it was planned months ago. Maybe the 13 yr old’s party has only just come up. The OP doesn’t say.
Edit: the OP has said. The commitment to the 80th came first. I expect you’ll all be rush8ng to say of course she should go, it would be rude not to now you know that.

TheignT · 21/10/2025 16:09

cardibach · 21/10/2025 15:35

Maybe it was planned months ago. Maybe the 13 yr old’s party has only just come up. The OP doesn’t say.
Edit: the OP has said. The commitment to the 80th came first. I expect you’ll all be rush8ng to say of course she should go, it would be rude not to now you know that.

Edited

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Not quite that straightforward, she was going to both and a date was changed.

Honestly do you think her loving gran wants her there when it's making her miserable. They could put her on the train and let her go for the rest of half term, nice for gran to have some one to one time with her when everyone else disappears. I

s the actual date that big a deal, what if it was a Tuesday would everyone try to get some annual leave or just go a few days earlier or later?

redluckycat · 21/10/2025 16:18

thisishowloween · 20/10/2025 10:19

Does grandma really want a 13yo to spend her weekend bored to tears with a bunch of older relatives just because it’s her birthday?

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Wow, no wonder so many on here have issues with their families. Why should they be bored to tears spending time with family? They can learn a lot from the older generation. I say this as someone who has DC of a similar age who get excited about visiting their great grandparents and grandparents.

cardibach · 21/10/2025 16:34

TheignT · 21/10/2025 16:09

Not quite that straightforward, she was going to both and a date was changed.

Honestly do you think her loving gran wants her there when it's making her miserable. They could put her on the train and let her go for the rest of half term, nice for gran to have some one to one time with her when everyone else disappears. I

s the actual date that big a deal, what if it was a Tuesday would everyone try to get some annual leave or just go a few days earlier or later?

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The 13year old’s party’s date was changed bit now clashes, so it’s the subsequent engagement. It’s clear cut if you use your own arguments about rudeness. I mean, how rude to change the time…I wonder if a family commitment has come up for the party girl?
Why do you keep 8n Sistine the grandmother should change her event date, which works for her children, because a 13 year old has a subsequent engagement she’d like to attend?

cardibach · 21/10/2025 16:35

redluckycat · 21/10/2025 16:18

Wow, no wonder so many on here have issues with their families. Why should they be bored to tears spending time with family? They can learn a lot from the older generation. I say this as someone who has DC of a similar age who get excited about visiting their great grandparents and grandparents.

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Quite. So many people insistent that it will be hideous for the child and that her grandmother won’t want her to come because she’ll be bored. Sad families…

SheilaFentiman · 21/10/2025 16:47

TheignT · 21/10/2025 16:09

Not quite that straightforward, she was going to both and a date was changed.

Honestly do you think her loving gran wants her there when it's making her miserable. They could put her on the train and let her go for the rest of half term, nice for gran to have some one to one time with her when everyone else disappears. I

s the actual date that big a deal, what if it was a Tuesday would everyone try to get some annual leave or just go a few days earlier or later?

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We don’t know the 80th birthday is this weekend ie the start of half term (in most places).

I would also assume that the meal is on a Saturday precisely so the children of MIL and their partners can travel there without missing work - it may be that the Saturday is the actual birthday, but it may not. Many of us celebrate on the weekend closest to a birthday, especially if people have to travel.

ETA re miserable - it sounds like DD may well have been fine to go to gran’s when the invite first arrived and it is only because the other party has moved date that the conflict has arisen.

SheilaFentiman · 21/10/2025 16:52

If people change the date of an event (unavoidable sometimes, of course) then naturally there can be no assumption that all those who accepted can make the new date.

If we are using your definition of rude, @TheignT - saying no to Gran after previously saying yes because something else has now come up that day that DD would rather do would surely fit it!

TheignT · 21/10/2025 16:53

cardibach · 21/10/2025 16:34

The 13year old’s party’s date was changed bit now clashes, so it’s the subsequent engagement. It’s clear cut if you use your own arguments about rudeness. I mean, how rude to change the time…I wonder if a family commitment has come up for the party girl?
Why do you keep 8n Sistine the grandmother should change her event date, which works for her children, because a 13 year old has a subsequent engagement she’d like to attend?

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I've never said the GM should change the date. Maybe check before making allegations. If there is nowhere for 13 year old to stay that's it but the OP won't even try.

cardibach · 21/10/2025 16:55

TheignT · 21/10/2025 16:53

I've never said the GM should change the date. Maybe check before making allegations. If there is nowhere for 13 year old to stay that's it but the OP won't even try.

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I assumed by this s the actual date that big a deal, what if it was a Tuesday would everyone try to get some annual leave or just go a few days earlier or later?
You meant the date could be moved. It’s been suggested before, though perhaps not by you.

Edit: she hasn’t tried because she knows it’s not possible. Pretty rude to ask someone to do something you know they can’t do and make them feel guilty, Don’t you think?

SheilaFentiman · 21/10/2025 17:00

TheignT · 21/10/2025 16:53

I've never said the GM should change the date. Maybe check before making allegations. If there is nowhere for 13 year old to stay that's it but the OP won't even try.

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To quote a PP’s response the last time you said almost exactly this:

No less than three times, in three separate posts OP has stated there is no one suitable available to look after DD for the whole weekend.

OP knows who she knows, what their commitments are, how well DD gets on with them, how comfortable she would feel with DD there and her 250 miles away etc etc. You do not, you are just repeatedly posting that OP hasn’t even tried

Oh, and conveniently ignoring your own prior assertions that it is rude to back out of an invitation you have previously accepted, which clearly applies to gran’s birthday here!

WeeGeeBored · 21/10/2025 17:17

You sound like a lovely family (dd too). I hope you have a wonderful day.

SheilaFentiman · 21/10/2025 17:20

WeeGeeBored · 21/10/2025 17:17

You sound like a lovely family (dd too). I hope you have a wonderful day.

Well said ❤️

PorridgeAndSyrup · 21/10/2025 17:27

My Nan lived 250 miles away when I was growing up, and we frequently went up to visit her just for one weekend. So that part is not nuts at all. As for the 13 year old, it’s perfectly normal to make young teens do things even though it’s not their favourite thing in the world. It’s part of family life. And if she’s not sociable and chatty, so be it, leave her to it, and absolutely don’t nag or berate her (as long as she’s not being actively rude). Maybe do something she’d enjoy at some point in the weekend as compensation/reward for being good?

Talipesmum · 21/10/2025 17:42

SheilaFentiman · 21/10/2025 17:20

Well said ❤️

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Thirded!

Whatsthatsheila · 21/10/2025 18:32

Decisionsdecisions1 · 21/10/2025 13:59

I've just realised this is still going (I'm the OP) sorry!

It's interesting to see how the discussion veers off in different directions....I only recently realised its easy to see all the OPs posts together and would highly recommend that in long threads as keeps everyone on track as they have the same info instead of having to speculate.

It's also interesting (and natural) that people's own relationship with extended family can sometimes influence posts - I know mine do.

To settle a couple of points:

the MiL birthday date has been in the diary for months. Dd's friends birthday was more recent but originally a different date - so dd could attend - but that friend has now had to move it, so it clashes. So dd is naturally disappointed.
in theory we could travel up Sat morning but I'd be worried about train delays/cancellations. I also, tbh want more time with MiL rather than a flying visit. Yes thats selfish and not thinking of dd in this instance.

This thread has prompted me to think about MiL, what she's been through and dd's relationship with her. MiL lost her husband, then her own mother and was diagnosed with cancer (thankfully caught early and had the all clear after surgery and treatment), all within the last ten years. She lives alone and I know sometimes must find that hard.

Yet she doesn't complain. Doesn't moan. Gets out and about when she can, including holidays (albeit Saga type cruises designed for the elderly). When she talks about FiL its in an affectionate way with funny stories rather than maudlin.

I remember when dd was little and dd would get up at 6am and go straight into MiL's room when we visited. When dp and I finally awoke after a lovely lie in, they'd have been cuddled up reading books for hours. I remember feeing bad about this and offering to tell dd to come into us instead but MiL confessed she finds the mornings hardest as she can't get used to having breakfast alone. So she loved having dd sneak in. So I do want to be there Sat morning and Sun morning.

And this thread has also made me remember dd isn't a monster - last Xmas eve I remember getting ratty with dd for using up all the Xmas gift tags with last minute wrapping - then realised she'd use 3 tags on MiL's present because she couldn't fit it in the lovely long message she'd written on just one tag.

I don't want to always assume there's another time - it is special to us to spend MiL's birthday with her as we never do. And yes, this time I do feel dd should be a part of it. And we will tell funny stories about the time she pooed on MiL at the beach (as a toddler obvs!) and dd will pretend she's embarrassed but secretly find it funny (I hope).

Thank you all for helping me think this through and get it straight in my own head and also to remember some lovely memories.

@Decisionsdecisions1

In that case I feel in addition to my prior message, you should remind DD of these memories too to emotionally manipulate her even more - And ask her to consider what she wishes to do more carefully.

and then blackmail her into going.

on a serious note. Thinking about my own teen - she’d give anything to have another special occasion with her late GM. I don’t want your teen to regret not going somewhere down the line in the future. I think asking her to carefully think about her decision is valid

Rosscameasdoody · 21/10/2025 18:59

TheignT · 21/10/2025 16:53

I've never said the GM should change the date. Maybe check before making allegations. If there is nowhere for 13 year old to stay that's it but the OP won't even try.

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You keep saying she won’t even try, and that’s nonsense. OP has covered this point no less than three times. What don’t you understand ? GM’s birthday has been planned for months. It’s the date of the friends’ party which has been moved so they now clash, so your assertion about it being rude to back out doesn’t apply here. Maybe something family orientated has come up and like OP, the friends have their priorities right.

Horses7 · 21/10/2025 21:24

Leave D with friends/relations back home.

Rosscameasdoody · 21/10/2025 21:27

Horses7 · 21/10/2025 21:24

Leave D with friends/relations back home.

Read the OP and updates. She’s clarified no less that three times that there are no relations who live anywhere near them and that friends all have their own plans, and no one can take her.

SheilaFentiman · 22/10/2025 06:49

Rosscameasdoody · 21/10/2025 21:27

Read the OP and updates. She’s clarified no less that three times that there are no relations who live anywhere near them and that friends all have their own plans, and no one can take her.

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It’s the new “cancel the cheque”!

Blondeshavemorefun · 22/10/2025 08:01

cardibach · 21/10/2025 10:38

Well, we don’t know it was for a start. But Dont you sometimes have to dip out of a social event? For example - ypu agree to go to a friend’s party and there’s a work emergency. Do you tell your boss ‘no, sorry, I have a prior engagement’? Or you agree to go to a friend’s party but someone significant dies and the funeral is the same day - still going to the party?
Some events mean you have to skip something you want to do for something you don’t. The ‘first invite wins’ rule is about not cancelling because you got a better offer, not because something important you can’t avoid crops up.

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I would try and do both

I’m guessing and may be wrong that friends party was first so all excited going with her friends

then the family decide to do a meal for mum /nanny

and child’s plans go pop

but

if granny’s meal was planned for ages then party invite came then yes should go to granny’s

but seems reading it - the meal was an addition

Lifestooshort71 · 22/10/2025 08:13

@Decisionsdecisions1 what a lovely update with some back history. Your MIL sounds super and you obviously have a great relationship with her - I hope you all have a wonderful family weekend (including DD!) X

AnotherEmma · 22/10/2025 08:28

Decisionsdecisions1 · 21/10/2025 13:59

I've just realised this is still going (I'm the OP) sorry!

It's interesting to see how the discussion veers off in different directions....I only recently realised its easy to see all the OPs posts together and would highly recommend that in long threads as keeps everyone on track as they have the same info instead of having to speculate.

It's also interesting (and natural) that people's own relationship with extended family can sometimes influence posts - I know mine do.

To settle a couple of points:

the MiL birthday date has been in the diary for months. Dd's friends birthday was more recent but originally a different date - so dd could attend - but that friend has now had to move it, so it clashes. So dd is naturally disappointed.
in theory we could travel up Sat morning but I'd be worried about train delays/cancellations. I also, tbh want more time with MiL rather than a flying visit. Yes thats selfish and not thinking of dd in this instance.

This thread has prompted me to think about MiL, what she's been through and dd's relationship with her. MiL lost her husband, then her own mother and was diagnosed with cancer (thankfully caught early and had the all clear after surgery and treatment), all within the last ten years. She lives alone and I know sometimes must find that hard.

Yet she doesn't complain. Doesn't moan. Gets out and about when she can, including holidays (albeit Saga type cruises designed for the elderly). When she talks about FiL its in an affectionate way with funny stories rather than maudlin.

I remember when dd was little and dd would get up at 6am and go straight into MiL's room when we visited. When dp and I finally awoke after a lovely lie in, they'd have been cuddled up reading books for hours. I remember feeing bad about this and offering to tell dd to come into us instead but MiL confessed she finds the mornings hardest as she can't get used to having breakfast alone. So she loved having dd sneak in. So I do want to be there Sat morning and Sun morning.

And this thread has also made me remember dd isn't a monster - last Xmas eve I remember getting ratty with dd for using up all the Xmas gift tags with last minute wrapping - then realised she'd use 3 tags on MiL's present because she couldn't fit it in the lovely long message she'd written on just one tag.

I don't want to always assume there's another time - it is special to us to spend MiL's birthday with her as we never do. And yes, this time I do feel dd should be a part of it. And we will tell funny stories about the time she pooed on MiL at the beach (as a toddler obvs!) and dd will pretend she's embarrassed but secretly find it funny (I hope).

Thank you all for helping me think this through and get it straight in my own head and also to remember some lovely memories.

What a lovely update. You sound like a wonderful family and I'm sure you'll all have a fantastic weekend. (It's not selfish to want to have as much time there as possible btw, especially given the distance!)

YumYa · 22/10/2025 09:49

Lovely update.

And tell dd she can put a Christmas card on mil's gift if she wants to write a long message.

cardibach · 22/10/2025 10:55

Blondeshavemorefun · 22/10/2025 08:01

I would try and do both

I’m guessing and may be wrong that friends party was first so all excited going with her friends

then the family decide to do a meal for mum /nanny

and child’s plans go pop

but

if granny’s meal was planned for ages then party invite came then yes should go to granny’s

but seems reading it - the meal was an addition

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If you had read the OP’s recent post you would know it wasn’t. The teenage party date has changed and now clashes with the grandmother dinner which has been planned for months.