500 mile round trip for a dinner - we're not mad are we?

[Decisionsdecisions1]

It's MiL's 80th birthday - she is lovely, a really kind, positive person. She lives 250 miles away unfortunately - DP's extended family (also lovely) suggested doing a dinner in a nice restaurant with everyone to make it special. We don't usually see MiL on her birthday as we only really travel down in school hols.

So we'll be travelling Fri evening, leaving Sun morning. Will be around 5-6 hours each way. We haven't planned too much during the day Saturday as MiL gets tired and isn't as mobile as she used to be.

The problem is dd(13) is in a sulk as she's missing a friends birthday party and rehearsal for a dance show and is moaning that there will be nothing for her to do and no young people to talk to. (All her cousins are away at uni and not coming).

My instinct if I'm honest is to tell her to suck it up, life is about giving not just taking etc. But I'm now worried she'll be monosyllabic and sulk all weekend. I can make her go - I can't make her be chatty etc. And I'll then be annoyed with her for not thinking of her GM.

Or are we mad travelling all that way for 36 hours.....dd is making me doubt myself...

My grandad had his 80th in March and thank goodness all the kids came because he passed a month later. In our family we would all be going

It’s fine. We do 9 hours each way to visit BIL/SIL for a long weekend, and have since dc were babies. I can see how it would be boring for a 13 year old, but it’s her grandmother! She may not have an 81st. My 13 year old is bored to tears by MIL, but I’d expect her to just suck it up and celebrate.

The only issue being if you’ve already made a commitment to the party and the rehearsal, then it’s a bit shitty to pull out. I’d see if she can stay with someone to keep those commitments, but not sure they trump a grandmother’s birthday dinner.

In our house the kids would have no choice but to come to a family event. But in return for the expectation I’d plan something nice for that down day. I don’t know where you’re headed but is there something you can do during the day that 13 year old would like and you could take her to? You said it would be quiet either side of the dinner?

Perfect opportunity for a 13 year old to learn that the world doesn’t revolve around them. This is everything that is wrong with young people nowadays (and I’m a retired secondary teacher, so I’ve come across 6000 of them in my career!)

We would never have even DARED to moan about attending a GP’s milestone birthday growing up in the 70s/80s, even if we didn’t really want to go.
She goes with you, end of.

We had a similar situation a few years ago- long drive across the country, practically coast to coast, for my Nana’s 80th. The whole family was there, it was lovely.
The next time we were all together was at her funeral.

Considering your update about dance rehearsal I wouldn’t worry about it. I was thinking along the lines of a show in a local theatre in costumes with selling tickets through theatre’s website, this sort of things which dance schools round here are doing.
I would worry less about the party. Is there any particular reason for DD to be so keen on a party apart from usual ones? Could you do something with a birthday girl instead on a different weekend?

By the way I didn’t have anyone to leave DD for so long or even for a night but some people do have such friends ☹️

Travel is absolutely fine. Most people do more travelling for a shorter weekend when necessary, it's nothing ridiculous.

Dragging your kid is however ridiculous. If you really can't find 2 sets of friends to host her, just get a trusted student to stay over for 2 nights (or a nanny, but that will probably cost you more)

Be clear to your kid: too young to be left overnight alone ,and for 2 nights, so either some kind of "babysitter" or she's coming with you.

It's about time we teach our daughters to stop martyring themselves for the sake of a MIL. Nothing wrong with family celebrating, but very wrong to be expected to give up an entire weekend and existing plans and waste hours in the train no less.

The whole family having to pander to MIL? Teach your child to be respectfully independent, THAT is a valuable life lesson. No need for drama, tantrum, anger, just quiet "I already have plans, sorry, have fun"

done.

Leave her with your parents or friends / family if you can. At 13 friends are important. I don’t think you’re unreasonable if you make her go with you but I also think I would rather poke my eyes out than travel 5/6 hours to have a birthday meal with an 80 year old. And for thinking she might not have many birthdays left both my Nan’s are in their 90’s so that’s not necessarily true. At 13 you don’t care about a Nan that you see once a year, and that’s normal I think.

Agreed. These comments of she is her own person and can decide what she wants / if she doesn't want to go you shouldn't force her etc are parents making a rod for their own back.

She is 13! If you haven't started parenting by this age, well then I fear you are going to have an entitled young adult on your hands.

'But I don't want to' is not an excuse to miss a grandmothers 80th. Parents need to be teaching their children the value of family and relationships. They are going to need to sustain one at some point in their lives.

That's great that they stepped up, but perhaps the blasting wouldn't have been necessary if you'd given the explanation of the situation in advance!

The whole family having to pander to MIL

Let me guess.... you do not like your MIL and do not encourage family get togethers either?

I regularly drive that distance for one overnight stay at my nans,on my own with a baby and an 11 year old. The 11 year old doesn't always want to come which is fine but for a big birthday dinner I'd be making her go.

Perfect reply. People need to cherish grandparents. Nobody knows how many birthdays anybody has. My mother never saw her 80th. Children need to be taught to be less self centred and their parents need to teach them respect. Remember the sayings “monkey see, monkey do” and “what goes around comes around”.

TBH I’d have thought a ‘nice’ granny, would not want her Gdd to miss things that are very important to her, for the sake of her birthday. From experience, it’s often the relatives who attach more importance to ‘big, old’ birthdays, than the person themselves.

At least, I’m fairly ancient, and that’s how I’d feel about a much loved Gdd.

At 13 you don’t care about a Nan that you see once a year, and that’s normal I think.

What the fuck?! There isn't certain "ages" for loving and caring about your grandparents?!
^^
I would rather poke my eyes out than travel 5/6 hours to have a birthday meal with an 80 year old.

Nice.

You all should go. She needs to learn some things are important and she will have that to reflect on later. But now its for you to parent her and her to be treated as a child. She is a child and sometimes you have to step up and make this happen regardless

In these sorts of situations I've told my sons that their family want to see them, that it's not all about what they want to do.
It's probably lovely for your MIL to see your little family all together - to see her son happily married with a child. She'll maybe enjoy showing photos to her friends with pride.
That said, you can also acknowledge to your DD that you understand it might be a bit dull and that you'll allow her to skulk off and do her teen thing during the w/e ie she doesn't have to sit and smile for 72 hours.
The train is better than driving, you can wander about more easily.

It would be a different issue if it clashed with the annual dance show or her school prom or something, but a rehearsal and a party? I presume she'd be delighted if MIL came along to see her dance show next year. It works both ways.

250 miles is like Glasgow to Liverpool.

Yes it's not round the corner but it's not a mammoth expedition either, especially for a weekend. You make it sound in the title as if you are driving 250 miles, having dinner, and driving 250 miles straight back. You're not. You are going away for a weekend for your MIL's 80th. We do this sort of trip regularly and it is no drama.

If your daughter doesn't want to go then arrange for her to stay with friends or something.

We have HUGE family get together, and unlike MN posters it's normal to host and be hosted by family and friends.

It doesn't mean I agree with being a martyr and not having healthy boundaries.

A 13 yo is old enough to start doing their own thing, she's not a toddler that needs a hand hold.

This. She should go. As OP says, it’s about giving as well as taking and it’s a good life lesson.

80 year old woman has birthday meal near where she lives, invites family….

HOW have you interpreted this as “pandering to MIL” @ThisGentleRaven ??

Tell your daughter to get a grip. we make these kinds of journeys all the time to see family (my family are 5-6 hours away. We often go up for the night).

It's an 80th, I'd tell her to suck it up at that age. Granny will be overjoyed to see them.

I had, they’d chosen to not listen! It was the whole reason we had arranged the trip! I take it you don’t have experience with 14-year-olds?

I'd take her with you and read the riot act if necessary once you're there if she's huffy and sulky. Nobody knows what the future holds age 80 and if it'll be the last time you see her happy and well. I think your instincts on this are correct.