500 mile round trip for a dinner - we're not mad are we?

[Decisionsdecisions1]

It's MiL's 80th birthday - she is lovely, a really kind, positive person. She lives 250 miles away unfortunately - DP's extended family (also lovely) suggested doing a dinner in a nice restaurant with everyone to make it special. We don't usually see MiL on her birthday as we only really travel down in school hols.

So we'll be travelling Fri evening, leaving Sun morning. Will be around 5-6 hours each way. We haven't planned too much during the day Saturday as MiL gets tired and isn't as mobile as she used to be.

The problem is dd(13) is in a sulk as she's missing a friends birthday party and rehearsal for a dance show and is moaning that there will be nothing for her to do and no young people to talk to. (All her cousins are away at uni and not coming).

My instinct if I'm honest is to tell her to suck it up, life is about giving not just taking etc. But I'm now worried she'll be monosyllabic and sulk all weekend. I can make her go - I can't make her be chatty etc. And I'll then be annoyed with her for not thinking of her GM.

Or are we mad travelling all that way for 36 hours.....dd is making me doubt myself...

You 100% should go. It’s a special birthday and the next big one will be her 90th if she is fortunate enough to see that milestone.

Re your DD. My tween and teen wouldn’t be allowed to sulk all weekend. And if they did there would be consequences.

@ThisGentleRaven your post is utter nonsense!! No one is martyring themselves ffs 😂 it’s a family event - whether it is the OP’s MIL or DM is irrelevant here. We can teach our daughters to be strong and respectfully independent AND thoughtful towards others. It’s not necessarily one or the other.

YOU might not have dare opening your mouth with very strict parents, of course other teens would have moaned just as much in the 70s 😂

The difference is that in the 70s and 80s, no one would have questioned leaving a 13yo alone overnight, or letting them travel alone. That's the age they started babysitting for younger kids and being paid for it.

It's treating teenagers like young children that's recent, not having an opinion 😂

A perfect example of the need to think before you post !!

Well, she can’t stay alone this time so she’ll have to come with you. Given what you have said re the rehearsal I wouldn’t be changing to the later train ( in case it was cancelled ). It’s her Granny’s 80th, to be frank she might not have many more dinners/parties to go to. She can go to this, she might enjoy the trip, dinner etc. I’d be telling her the above btw.

I can empathose (my folks live a similar distance)

I come down a lot more now (dads ailing health and to give mum a break)

My job is remote so I can work down here . I refuse to come for less than 3 days. This does not help you I know.
We went to a wedding in Cornwall once (we live in East Anglia) and stayed one night. Would not recommend it.
Leave your daughter behind if you can. Take lots of breaks on the road when you go .

I find travelling first thing / last thing a game changer eg 5/6 am and then after 6pm

All the best

Yes, very much this.

It might be hard for a teenager to mentally put herself in that situation now; but how would she feel if, when she has a really special occasion towards the end of her life, her grandchildren - with many decades ahead of them - decide that they just aren't really bothered?

Yes, but at 80 you do care very much about a granddaughter that you only get to see once a year. Good opportunity to learn about considering other people’s needs and feelings. It’s only one weekend, she can spend the travel time watching movies/chatting with friends, it’s really not that much of a hardship.

I grew up in the 70s and 13 would be too young for a weekend alone and I was expected fro behave like an adult and suck up doing things I didn’t want to

Love this. Thank you for wording this out much better than I could.
Life is full of things we'd rather not do, that's true. However, there are things that are a necessity and then there are things you can actually opt out of, and the earlier you learn how to be firm and polite about your own time and plans, the better.

I’m afraid that wouldn’t be up for negotiation with me either. If you have decided to go then of course she should come. It’s not as if an 80yr old is going to have a huge number of ‘big birthdays’ that they’ll be inviting her to.

First of all you’re not travelling just for dinner, you’re travelling to see your MIL for her milestone birthday.
If my DD sulked at missing her friends party for her grandmas 80th, I’d be very cross with her.
She would be coming and she would be polite around her grandma.

what nonsense?

People who want to go, just go.
People who don't want to go.. don't go.

Being forced to cancel existing plans, go when you really have no interest in going? Just wrong.

What's funny is how hypocritical people are on here; if it was a cousin's wedding, it would be an uproar: how dare they expect you to give up an entire weekend!
But suddenly, fine to expect a young girl to ruin her entire weekend and cancel her plans. Nice.

@Decisionsdecisions1 bloody teens!

two options .

1. if it can be facilitated - give her the option to let her stay behind and attend her commitments. But make it perfectly clear that time is short, life is finite and ask her to consider that GM may not have many more birthdays and to think about if she may regret not going. Sure it’s emotional blackmail but gets her to think about others and make a rational decision not rooted in her own needs. As a pp pointed out if cousins aren’t going DD shouldn’t be forced too

2. if the above cannot be facilitated tell her you are sorry you’ve explored other options but there’s no one to leave her at home with but you’d appreciate her cooperation in ensuring granny has a wonderful weekend and you’ll make it up to her with a treat. Yes it’s bribery but it’s better than having a moody cow along for the ride

Haha honestly, if you think any 13 year old cares about someone they almost never see then I think you’re naive. How can you love someone you don’t know? I don’t love one of my Nan’s (ooh the controversy) I barely saw her growing up, I do the ‘right’ thing and visit her and wish nothing bad on her but I don’t love her because I don’t know her. We’re all different you know? It’s okay.

Why can’t your DH go alone?

I think you have to drag DD along. It’s her grandmothers 80th, as others have said there might not be too many more birthdays and I’m sure her being there will mean a lot to your MIL.

It's about time we teach our daughters to stop martyring themselves for the sake of a MIL.

The whole family having to pander to MIL? Teach your child to be respectfully independent, THAT is a valuable life lesson.

What the hell is this comment?! "Martyring" themselves?! "Pandering to MIL"?!

A thirteen year old is a young teen, but also a child. Legally and factually. I was a thirteen year old during the early 70’s and got paid for babysitting, but never was I left alone overnight, and the only travelling I did alone was the bus to school and back and walking to friends houses nearby. On MN what constitutes a child changes depending on the circumstances posted by the OP.

what a lovely way to teach her how important her opinion and feelings are, and how to be well mannered and behave like an independent woman.

But this is MN, where on another threads posters are fainting at the idea of leaving a 17 year old alone for a weekend.

Good luck to all these kids when they reach adulthood!

Because all the other members of the family will be there as it’s a milestone occasion ?

It's MN

MIL 's birthday is suddenly the event of the century but weddings must be avoided at all cost 😂

My DD would be going and she would be told in NO uncertain terms that she was to be chatty and friendly. She would get a 5-6 hour road trip lecture about the value of family relationships and how we respect others and put them first sometimes. But mine have already suffered through multiple deaths of people we love way too soon and would not consider missing her grandma’s birthday in the first place.

She’s 13 😂 she isn’t 21 and able to stay at home.

I can’t quite get my head around how this is the OP or her DD martyring herself for the sake of her MIL?

There is a meal for a birthday. The family have been invited. They go or don’t go. In this instance they want to go. So the child has to go too. It’s straightforward.

Go, or don’t.

It will be nice for the grandmother if they went - that’s not martyring, it’s doing something out of love and care.

It's her grandmother's 80th. She goes. It's a weekend to celebrate her grandmother who statistically only has a few more years left. I would tell her this and be blunt.

I can't understand the posters saying to have her at home. She's 13 and this is a big family occasion. Sometimes we have to put others first and that's a good life lesson. No wonder society is so selfish and self centred if parents allow kids to refuse to attend important family occasions.

He could in theory - but the truth is I want to go. MiL has been kinder and more of a support to me than my own mother over the last 20 years. I love her and am very aware that there may not be many more birthdays when she is able to sit and enjoy being in a restaurant.
She lost dp's father 10 years ago, far too young, and he was lovely too. I wish we'd done more with him when he was alive.

When dd (and MiL) were younger, it was my MiL that helped out in school hols, when we wanted to go away for weddings or birthdays etc.
I'm not martyring myself and its not a chore. I absolutely want to be there.