Very uncomfortable with something that happened at a party

[Biggles27]

At a big black tie party. Fancy expensive hotel. Men all in dj’s, women all dressed up.

sitting at a table with some relatives including grown up dd

a man come up, pushes a ballon into my boobs I try and push him away and he pops it thus copping two handfuls. I’m gobsmacked

he comes in to do it again, I’m pushing him away shouting no. My daughter is up shouting no. He does it again. I go up to him and say there people here are allergic to latex, you are literally risking lives. He laughs and tells me to f off

dh his highly allergic to latex and he’s pushing balloons into faces and boobs

dd looks at me, says are you ok. I realise I’m nearly vomiting and run to the toilets

peopke at the table go and have words with him

dh threatens to go speak to him but I talk him down as I I could see she was beyond anger and I didn’t want him doing anything rash

i can’t see him anymore

i I rejoin table and enjoy chatting

out the blue, there’s a balloon in my face - it’s him again. I’m now so distressed I leave the party and go to my room

hubby is now apoplectic- he knows I have never ever reacted to something like this - I laugh stuff off - redirect wandering hands, deal with stuff without getting hysterical or upset. In 30 years, he’s never seen me like this and keeps saying this is assault, we should call the police - he grabbed your boobs despite you saying no

im told he’s left the party so go back down (I’m not drinking btw)

all good, go to loo and he appears in the foyer

i freeze and run back up to the room and refuse to come back down

ive refused to go to down to breakfast

not sure how I should of handled it - last night I was so distressed I just ran

Well done @Biggles27 for reporting the nasty creep.💐
So many horrible stories on this thread - decent men don’t really get it - what we have to put up with.
Well done to Saoirse Ronan for pulling Paul Mescal and Eddie Redmayne up on this on the Graham Norton Show.

@NovemberMorn just to be clear - I never advocated glassing or any such thing. Please ready my earlier posts - report to police.

I don’t advocate violence at all - to be VERY clear.

I just despair at the disparities. I have been sexually assaulted (1 rape, 1 indecent exposure) and it is so disempowering. Just FYI. I did all the right things - report to police, statements, internal examinations, STI checks etc etc - the perp did very little (in my eyes).

It feels very unfair.

That is my point. I dont advocate violence and I have never glassed anyone in my life. Wouldnt even know how to, tbh.

I do know what you mean, but in some respects it’s like any crime. If someone breaks into your house you are not allowed to kill them. You are allowed to fight them off and once you are safe from immediate threat you should stop and flee. That’s just the way it goes.

in an extremity I could carry a knife and the next time a man pushes up against me in the tube stab him in the neck. I might <quite want to> but it’s very clear a disproportionate response to the threat.

Op was in a public place with and she couldn’t prevent or stop the assault but she was free of further assault. She couldve got away with punching him or kicking him, but she didn’t (as is extremely common, obviously) but under no circumstances was it ok for her to grab a glass and smash it into his face.

And @HelpMeUnpickThis your point about the mental load and work that goes onto the victim is exactly why I was suggesting the OP really think about reporting first.

HelpMeUnpickThis..
I am not saying you would glass anyone in the face (perish the thought) but you asked "I am curious as to why the crime or GBH is worse than sexual assault in your mind?"...so I answered.

To add...
I'm so sorry you went through that, and yes, you did do all the right things, and if the perp didn't get the punishment he was owed, that makes the situation a lot worse...no one would argue with that.
But imagine if someone does resort to violence above and beyond what would be reasonably expected (not in rape, but in groping or in an indecent exposure case) the female victim could end up doing all the things you did, and still end up serving a lot more time in prison than the perpetrator ever would.

Call the police this is awful he will do this again he is a sex pest and must be stopped. You have witnesses. Im angry on your behalf and you did the right thing you have done nothing wrong here

Why do so many women "put up and shut up" because they dont want to make a fuss, spoil other people's evening or upset the kids? I am a big fan of NAME AND SHAME and call out the behaviour. If you have children in tow do you want them to grow up thinking you are weak and that its acceptable for you to be treated like that? I have always believed in lashing back hard and enjoying the sense of power it gives me.

tbh I think it’s fairly obviously why women don’t make a fuss.

but still, as per my my example above what would you do at a wedding reception? Start a screaming match or physical fight? Lights on music stops, sirens police crashing in?

social events are volatile. Alcohol and emotions running high.

In my experience it's easy to say what you would or wouldn't do in a particular situation, but that's not necessarily how you react in the moment.

Slightly different scenario, but years ago when I was working in a pub, I was collecting glasses in the pub garden at almost kicking out time, and a random man grabbed my bum with both hands. I just froze, I think I was in a state of complete shock and disbelief that someone would do something so brazen.

I still don't know how I would have reacted if my boss hadn't seen the whole thing from where he was standing and marched over and physically thrown the guy off the premises.

I'm so glad you reported him, it's the only way to stop predators from doing it to someone else, and that's exactly what he is. He's done this before, I bet my bottom dollar.

Big hug and well done you and to your lovely DD and DH!

It’s very easy to say how you would be a ninja warrior in these scenarios 🙄. Everytime I’ve been in extremis I just freeze so am under no illusion as to that.

Just for procedural info for anyone thinking of reporting something

I’ve now been contacted, it is being taken very seriously. Due to location (I live a long way from where it happened) we’re going to do the formal statement via video link in the next couple of days. They’re trying to get cctv from the hotel (only trying as we don’t know if they have it yet, not the hotels being difficult) and

I do not feel great

i just want him stopped

He needs a short sharp shock.

His behaviour is completely unacceptable

I'm glad it's being taken seriously. He's probably done similar things before - hopefully this will stop him doing them again. I'm sure he was thoroughly enjoying your reaction - arsehole.

I was the poster who said that and at no point did l say that it was any worse than it happening to anyone else. I was speaking from my own experience with mastectomy and thinking how easily he could pick on someone in a similar situation and how mortified l would be if my prosthetic was discovered as a result. It was in no way intended to diminish the experience of others.

It's good the police are taking this seriously. It may come to nothing eventually, but you have set the ball rolling and hopefully this man will realise he cannot act like this towards women.
I doubt you do feel great, you have been put in a situation which is unpleasant, all because of some creep.
But if it stops him...or shocks him, or his wife (if he has one) realises what's been happening and chops his balls off (joking) some good has come from a really rotten situation. x

Well done OP. As you say he needs to be stopped and hopefully you’ll be instrumental in that happening. The ‘it’s only a bit of fun’ defence won’t wash now and hopefully he’ll be recognised for the sex pest he is. I’m so sorry this happened to you, and sorry it involves family.

Even if the police can’t charge him, hopefully a chat with them will scare him into not doing it to anyone else.

I’m so pleased you were able to report. I know you’re not feeling good, but try and remember that what you’ve just done is going to have a positive impact on all the women he encounters from now on. And if he has any other men in his circle who pull the same sort of crap, it may even make them think twice about doing something. Just by reporting and putting him on the radar of the police is going to have really positive implications for women and girls. And that is most definitely something to feel good about.

Thank you 💐

This! Disgusting behaviour from him

Well done OP, you handled/are handling this in very dignified and sensible fashion. I hope the offender gets his comeuppance for his appalling behaviour.
I'm not good at dignified or sensible so you have my admiration. Your DH and DD sound great too.

As for violence, a good open handed slap round the face and a proper shouting at would have been an acceptable response to this creep. But not dignified, and so difficult to do at a fancy event when you are in shock and where you are already aware you need to be on best behaviour and feel all eyes are on you. I got groped at a fancy company do by a senior exec and just retreated like you did, aghast and disbelieving. And no I didn't do anything about it but avoid him for years, so you are way braver than me.
As a young hothead I did handbag a flasher on the tube years ago, full-on Mrs Thatcher-stylee, and shout at him until he scuttled off the train. Definitely not dignified nor sensible although quite satisfying at the time.
I was taught self defence when I did judo as a teen (the instructors ran an after hours class for the female students to learn some rather savage non- judo moves). Their mantra was avoid problem scenarios wherever you could but if faced with imminent physical danger do not hold back from inflicting serious damage until they let go/fall over, then run like hell. Thankfully I've never needed to use any of the eye gouges and finger breaking, but did use my judo fitness to outrun two men who followed me off a bus one night.

If he's got such a brass neck to do that in front of people I'd be very worried what he'd do to a lone female somewhere where he wouldn't be seen as easily.

Well done op. This kind of man is terrorising people all the time.

You were assaulted and violated.

Have you made a police report yet?