Very uncomfortable with something that happened at a party

[Biggles27]

At a big black tie party. Fancy expensive hotel. Men all in dj’s, women all dressed up.

sitting at a table with some relatives including grown up dd

a man come up, pushes a ballon into my boobs I try and push him away and he pops it thus copping two handfuls. I’m gobsmacked

he comes in to do it again, I’m pushing him away shouting no. My daughter is up shouting no. He does it again. I go up to him and say there people here are allergic to latex, you are literally risking lives. He laughs and tells me to f off

dh his highly allergic to latex and he’s pushing balloons into faces and boobs

dd looks at me, says are you ok. I realise I’m nearly vomiting and run to the toilets

peopke at the table go and have words with him

dh threatens to go speak to him but I talk him down as I I could see she was beyond anger and I didn’t want him doing anything rash

i can’t see him anymore

i I rejoin table and enjoy chatting

out the blue, there’s a balloon in my face - it’s him again. I’m now so distressed I leave the party and go to my room

hubby is now apoplectic- he knows I have never ever reacted to something like this - I laugh stuff off - redirect wandering hands, deal with stuff without getting hysterical or upset. In 30 years, he’s never seen me like this and keeps saying this is assault, we should call the police - he grabbed your boobs despite you saying no

im told he’s left the party so go back down (I’m not drinking btw)

all good, go to loo and he appears in the foyer

i freeze and run back up to the room and refuse to come back down

ive refused to go to down to breakfast

not sure how I should of handled it - last night I was so distressed I just ran

Would you really though?

You were very clear in your response but he continued despite knowing it. He didn’t care that you did not what him to do it. Seems to me that he is a vile man who will continue this behaviour. A visit from the police would be what he deserves. Not sure if this was a work event but I’d be talking to his company, he likely does it at work too.

Sexual assault
Lots of witnesses

What a freak he sounds

Just a reminder to the ‘I’d have done …’ people. You don’t know how you would react in that moment. Please don’t shame others for their reactions.

When I was younger, no. I'd probably have laughed along like a simpering idiot whilst boiling with anger and shame inside. But now I'm in my late sixties I've seen enough of male behaviour to know that things will never change, not beyond surface level anyway. So yes, now I'd use violence if a man did that to me.

What a horrible experience for you OP. Almost unbelievable that a guest at a friend's party should go round assualting the guests. The fact that he's a relative of the host is no excuse at all. Unless you want to pursue it now with the police (which you could and there are plenty of witnesses) you must tell your host that you were shocked and disgusted by this man's behaviour and he mustn't introduce you to each other again.

You don’t know what you would do. As already said, freezing is a trauma response and none of us know how we’d react, even if we’d reacted a certain way in the past.

Please stop.

Definitely report it to the police if you feel able. Even if they don't do anything about this specific case it'll be on file that someone made a report, so if there's a pattern it will be made more visible. He persistently made sexual contact even after you had confirmed it was unwanted, then harassed you later on. I found this page very useful in clarifying what's against the law.

If you don't feel able, that's okay too. Look after yourself, this kind of thing can be really unnerving and affect you in unexpected ways. I hope (perhaps in vain) everyone shuns him after this.

Thanks both. May depend on the force but where I am it’s one home visit from police, then nothing. Although, having to go in for a line up would at least show clear movement in an investigation with a view to prosecution. In this case she would be able to give a name, anyway.

I’d say treatment of the victim by police varies with each case/officers. The point about retaliation is one that I’d not considered.

In addition to fight, flight and freeze, fawning is also a potential trauma response. It can take the form of suppressing anger, fear, or discomfort to keep the abuser calm. I'm guessing it felt safer bringing up a possible latex allergy than making an accusation of sexual assault. Not your fault and I do hope you feel strong enough to report this to the police if you can.

Stop what?

No one wants drama?!

Fuck that! Report to the police asap - piece of shit needs dealing with asap

Claiming you know how you would react in the moment and by implication, shaming those who don’t.

It might not be intended but that’s how it comes across to me.

Also tbh, glassing someone is likely to be classified and treated as a more serious crime than sexual assault. She could find herself in prison, and he certainly won’t.

The normal response when it is happening to you is to freeze and not quite believe that this is happening, and then afterwards you feel like you could have done something different or that you encouraged it.
A very similar thing happened to me when I helped an elderly gentleman with his shopping in Sainsbury's 35 years ago.
I won't go into details but when I got home my husband called the police and the supermarket.
I am so sorry that this happened to you and that you are going through this.
I am so sorry to the other lady who experienced a terrible experience in public too.
This is not our fault.

This is awful OP. Im glad you managed to stop your DH from getting physical, "one punch" and all that.
Stupid bastard was probably coked up too, not that that is any defence either.
It's up to you now whether to report or not. Think things through carefully and don't be pressured either way.

I don’t think you over reacted. I think you under reacted, if anything, but I’m not that adverse to physical violence when necessary.

dh his highly allergic to latex and he’s pushing balloons into faces and boobs He wasn’t though, was he? He was pushing it into women’s faces and boobs. He wasn’t grabbing hold of any men in inappropriate places, I’ll bet.

he was spoken to by various people and apparently apologised - me and dd not convinced Did he apologise for what he did to you? Or for various people (men, by any chance?) feeling like they should speak to him? Either way, it doesn’t really matter because he hasn’t apologised to you or your family. Nor has he asked any of the people who spoke to him to see if you’d be willing to meet, accept a phone call or read a letter so he could apologise properly, so he’s actually done sod all, other than pay lip service to people he didn’t sexually assault.

Think there’s some damage limitation going on as he’s a friend of the host and no one wants drama Firstly, nobody wanting drama is completely irrelevant as it’s none of their business. Secondly, you didn’t want some pervy creep assaulting you, but it happened. If drama follows it and they don’t like it, then they can take that up with him. The fact that they didn’t chuck him out immediately suggests that they’re quite ok with drama when it’s only a woman who’s suffering.

I’m probably being painted as not being able to take a joke but it really wasn’t funny I expect there are some people who are doing this, especially him. But how would those people react if some pervy sleaze grabbed their testicles for a good feel? And then came back for another couple of goes?

I really hope you decide to find out his name and report him to the police. Whether or not they’ll do anything is anyone’s guess. It appears to depend on your postcode as to how seriously they take these things. But even a visit from a police officer and a rollicking might put the fear of God in him. Do not put up with this shit.

Something similar to this happened to me many, many years ago (1970s). A random drunk guy came up to me in a hotel foyer and grabbed my boobs. My boss, it was a business trip, made him apologise to me in front of the guy's boss, who also apologised. The bosses both asked if I wanted to report it to the police, I said no. I wish I'd said yes, as I felt guilty about it for a long time, thinking I must have done something to provoke it. I absolutely didn't.

What that guy did to you was worse. He deserves to be hauled over the coals by the police.

OMG, this is unreal.
Never mind Mumsnet contact the Police, you are not overreacting.

More victim blaming. Under-reacted ffs, what is wrong with you?

Report him to the police. He was that blatant about it and did it repeatedly, then there’s every chance he’s done it before and will do it again. You’ve got witnesses and there’s probably video footage of it too.

Thank you, I’ll read that link

Thank you. You make reasoned and valid points

yes it was men who spoke to him. Three that I’m aware of - honestly don’t know if anyone else spoke to him

How rude and unkind of you. I had no intention of shaming anyone and you're the only one who seems to feel I have. I didn't say it's what the OP, or anyone, should've done. I also said I would have reacted very differently when I was younger. I suggest you avoid open forums where people are able to freely (within reason) share their thoughts.

1. I clearly said it may not have been intended so we agree there.
2. Again, you can imagine how you might react, but you cannot know how you would react.