Male friend stole my phone to look at my nudes

[LostStars39]

It’s a bit of a weird one and something I never expected would happen, please bear with as it’s so long but I don’t want to leave anything out.

I threw a party last week and I had a few friends over including me and DPs couple friend Kate and Tom (names changed obviously)
myself and DP have been really good friends with Kate and Tom for years now and all get on really well.

Last Saturday night of the party we were all having a great night, everyone was very drunk and drinks were flowing and we were playing games and just generally having fun. We all had a bit of coke but it wasn’t a massive bender or anything (might be relevant later)

Fast forward to about 2am and it starts winding
down, there are a few other people round who get taxis home but Kate and Tom stay over in our spare room as we’d planned.

I sleep with a Bluetooth eyemask and play music to help me fall asleep, I was quite tired and fell asleep quite quickly. A couple of hours later, around 5am I heard the door of the spare room going and assumed Kate or Tom needed the toilet (the only toilet I have in my house is my en-suite) although the sleep mask is good I’m a light sleeper and still hear most noises.
I try going back to sleep as I don’t hear any other movement. Suddenly my music cuts out and I can hear weird noises and a voice that sounds like myself through the eyemask. I jolt upright in bed feeling completely confused and disorientated. The noises I can hear playing is moaning and sounds like porn but also sounds like myself. DP is fast asleep next to me.
I go to grab my phone on my bedside table which is charging next to me but it’s not there. I was pretty drunk when I came up to bed so check under pillows, under the bed etc and then finally think to check my charger lead, it’s not plugged in.

I turn my lamp on and start walking out my room to try and find out what the hell is going on and Tom is sat outside my door holding my phone in one hand and his in another. I grab my phone back and ask him what the fuck he’s doing with my phone and he looks disoriented and sheepish and just keeps stuttering saying sorry and he doesn’t know what he’s doing. He then eventually says he was being a pervert and that he “doesn’t have a boner” I’m really confused so get back into bed while Tom goes to the toilet. While toms in the toilet I wake DP and tell him somethings happened as by this point I’m terrified. Tom comes out the toilet and I pretend to be asleep as I can’t process anything right now. DP and Tom say a couple of words to each other but toms mostly completely out of it.

when Tom goes back to bed I tell DP everything and that I think Tom was watching porn on my phone, I then open my phone to see what it was and turns out Tom has gone into my “hidden photos folder” on iPhone that you need Face ID or passcode for and has been looking through my nudes and videos of myself with sex toys etc I’d sent of myself to DP around 3 years ago when we first got together! I’m absolutely mortified and was nearly sick when I realised. I never go looking in that folder and just save things I wouldn’t want in my main photo album in there. I guess I feel partly to blame as I don’t know why I’d kept the videos but they were saved in a private album!

i felt completely violated and disgusted and the next morning just pretended to be asleep so I didn’t have to see Tom until he went home.

I told DP everything on the night and he’s absolutely disgusted too. Tom never sleeps the night of taking coke so I don’t know if he’d been planning it the whole time he was awake or what. I remembered I’d told him the passcode to my phone that night so he could sort the music on my phone so that’s how he’d gotten into the private album.

I haven’t spoken to Tom since and he hadn’t told Kate, I messaged her the day after explaining everything and she confronted him and kicked him out. He’s now back living with her but staying in the living room, but they also work together and are very codependent. Kate is my best friend and she’s heartbroken but I feel due to codependency she will stay with him.

The 4 of us have lots of gigs, meals, events and a couple of holidays coming up and I just don’t know what to do.

Tom is going to get therapy and has sent an apology card but I still can’t face talking to him.
I don’t really know why I’m posting this but just wanted to get it off my chest.

You’re probably right sadly

Your "friend" is a pervert. You also need to rethink your choice to take and store explicit videos and photos of yourself. Nothing is private in today's world I'm afraid

OP, he has violated your trust horrifically. This should be a police matter - you need to know that he cannot access the videos, and this friendship is surely over now whether you report him or not.

This. It's a risk you do unfortunately take if that's what you want to do

Why on earth didn’t you check his phone as it seems he was copying them over to his phone???

If you hang out with scumbag druggies they do scumbag druggie things. It's time to start questioning your life choices.

Taking the OP's phone without permission to look at private photos and videos is disgusting and abusive but I don't think it's any worse than taking cocaine.

Taking cocaine is absolutely despicable.

The only difference is that the "friend" knows the victim of his betrayal of trust whereas the op and her friends don't know the identities of the many victims of the illegal cocaine trade to which they are contributing. Those victims suffer from a lot more than extreme embarrassment.

Several posters have recommended going to the police but I think only one has mentioned that the police would be interested in the use of cocaine (which would have to be mentioned for the story to make sense).

That seems quite different.

Well obviously it's a massive betrayal to you! Pretty awful. However you were all doing drugs. Not that this excuses his behaviour but imo you should expect anything from anyone who is doing coke. You say it so lightly... Just had food, drinks and you know a little coke!! You need to look after yourself better and sorry to say I can't see how you can stay friends with Tom. Kate , maybe you can help. She should not stay just because she is dependant. This all sounds like a massive mess.

The first house I bought was exactly like this. I got an en-suite built in the second bedroom. The OP described hers as an en-suite but actually it’s the bathroom, accessed through the back bedroom. Some of the gardens had outside loos but mine was long gone. Lovely house.

Explanation= Cocaine
But that’s no real help is it.

Cocaine and sex videos, lovely. Anything goes. Modern Britain.

I would be so concerned about what he had done with those pictures/videos. I would go to the police for that reason. He could have uploaded them anyway. Plus he planned it op he even had your password. Clearly he was recording them on his phone.

This was a huge violation of privacy for her. Judgement is not what she needs right now. Nothing wrong with her having this content locked away in a private device.

A lot of people have suggested the police. Can I ask what the crime is, specifically?

This is what OP should feel ashamed about, not her personal videos. Buying cocaine is not a victimless crime.

The cocaine trade makes life hell for whole communities in Colombia and is involved in increasingly violent crime in Britain and across the world. It also finances terrorism.

That’s what OP and her friends are financing.

https://www.theguardian.com/world/article/2024/jun/17/first-edition-cocaine-bloodlines

Not the point of the thread, but a few people are saying you can keep whatever you want on your phone and that obviously isn’t true - for example you can’t keep illegal images. It is also true that your phone can be accessed by the police in certain situations and can also be hacked. So although it is true that a phone is broadly private it is not as secure as some are saying. I am not saying this to victim blame in any way, but it is always worth having in back of mind that a phone can be accessed either legally or by bad actors like Tom. Having said all that, this is absolutely disgusting and out of order. You have been violated against your will and without your consent. What is concerning me the most is how did he know the videos were there - I am worried that your partner has told him about them. You do need to follow this up - your DP may have previously shared this video or Tom might have a copy on his phone.

I’ve been to a house where the only bathroom is an en-suite just because you haven’t seen it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. It’s quite easy to find a hidden folder you just go onto albums and the passcode is exactly the same as the one to get into your phone. It is not disgusting to have things like that on your own personal device, wow people live sheltered lives…quite jealous really!

sorry this happened to you op. I would definitely go no contact with them and would think about reporting it.

It isn't the same situation at all. A DP wanking off is not the same as a male friend accessing your phone without permission and snooping into a private folder. As for the bathroom thing, have you bothered to read the other posters who have or have had the same set-up?

Troll-hunters are so very obnoxious!

I’m sorry this happened to you. It’s such a huge violation and betrayal of trust, you shouldn’t continue to associate with this man. This may mean the end of your friendship with Kate too but I’m not sure what choice there is if she stays with him. Cocaine will have lessened his inhibitions but it won’t have suddenly turned him from a nice bloke into a creepy horror.

Who told Tom about the videos? Either you or your DP.

The problem is more that MN is infested by trolls. We've all been taken in by a post only to find it subsequently gets deleted with a message making it pretty clear that it was posted by.a troll, so people are understandably wary.

Other than them all taking coke! Sadly, many friends aren’t what they seem and once drugs and alcohol become involved things are only going to go wrong! She needs to find out if he transferred any files which could be circulating her whole circle of friends!

So people should report and not engage. Trollhunting on a thread can be harmful too.