Male friend stole my phone to look at my nudes

[LostStars39]

It’s a bit of a weird one and something I never expected would happen, please bear with as it’s so long but I don’t want to leave anything out.

I threw a party last week and I had a few friends over including me and DPs couple friend Kate and Tom (names changed obviously)
myself and DP have been really good friends with Kate and Tom for years now and all get on really well.

Last Saturday night of the party we were all having a great night, everyone was very drunk and drinks were flowing and we were playing games and just generally having fun. We all had a bit of coke but it wasn’t a massive bender or anything (might be relevant later)

Fast forward to about 2am and it starts winding
down, there are a few other people round who get taxis home but Kate and Tom stay over in our spare room as we’d planned.

I sleep with a Bluetooth eyemask and play music to help me fall asleep, I was quite tired and fell asleep quite quickly. A couple of hours later, around 5am I heard the door of the spare room going and assumed Kate or Tom needed the toilet (the only toilet I have in my house is my en-suite) although the sleep mask is good I’m a light sleeper and still hear most noises.
I try going back to sleep as I don’t hear any other movement. Suddenly my music cuts out and I can hear weird noises and a voice that sounds like myself through the eyemask. I jolt upright in bed feeling completely confused and disorientated. The noises I can hear playing is moaning and sounds like porn but also sounds like myself. DP is fast asleep next to me.
I go to grab my phone on my bedside table which is charging next to me but it’s not there. I was pretty drunk when I came up to bed so check under pillows, under the bed etc and then finally think to check my charger lead, it’s not plugged in.

I turn my lamp on and start walking out my room to try and find out what the hell is going on and Tom is sat outside my door holding my phone in one hand and his in another. I grab my phone back and ask him what the fuck he’s doing with my phone and he looks disoriented and sheepish and just keeps stuttering saying sorry and he doesn’t know what he’s doing. He then eventually says he was being a pervert and that he “doesn’t have a boner” I’m really confused so get back into bed while Tom goes to the toilet. While toms in the toilet I wake DP and tell him somethings happened as by this point I’m terrified. Tom comes out the toilet and I pretend to be asleep as I can’t process anything right now. DP and Tom say a couple of words to each other but toms mostly completely out of it.

when Tom goes back to bed I tell DP everything and that I think Tom was watching porn on my phone, I then open my phone to see what it was and turns out Tom has gone into my “hidden photos folder” on iPhone that you need Face ID or passcode for and has been looking through my nudes and videos of myself with sex toys etc I’d sent of myself to DP around 3 years ago when we first got together! I’m absolutely mortified and was nearly sick when I realised. I never go looking in that folder and just save things I wouldn’t want in my main photo album in there. I guess I feel partly to blame as I don’t know why I’d kept the videos but they were saved in a private album!

i felt completely violated and disgusted and the next morning just pretended to be asleep so I didn’t have to see Tom until he went home.

I told DP everything on the night and he’s absolutely disgusted too. Tom never sleeps the night of taking coke so I don’t know if he’d been planning it the whole time he was awake or what. I remembered I’d told him the passcode to my phone that night so he could sort the music on my phone so that’s how he’d gotten into the private album.

I haven’t spoken to Tom since and he hadn’t told Kate, I messaged her the day after explaining everything and she confronted him and kicked him out. He’s now back living with her but staying in the living room, but they also work together and are very codependent. Kate is my best friend and she’s heartbroken but I feel due to codependency she will stay with him.

The 4 of us have lots of gigs, meals, events and a couple of holidays coming up and I just don’t know what to do.

Tom is going to get therapy and has sent an apology card but I still can’t face talking to him.
I don’t really know why I’m posting this but just wanted to get it off my chest.

He must have been looking for something on your phone, or why would have gone into it? I think you should ask your bloke if he had discussed these photos with this pervert in the first place. It’s all too organized. Creepy and absolutely never to be trusted again.

This is hard OP but if she stays with him then I think they will both have to largely be removed from your lives. You could agree to split the tickets for the things you've got planned, ie you take a gig and a holiday and they take a gig and a holiday or whatever and you each find replacement friends for the extra tickets. I'd be tempted to just roll it under the rug but that's because I know I have bad boundaries and I'm scared of change - stayed with my cheating ex rather than kicking him out for example! You have to force yourself to just be decisive and cut him out. You could see Kate for coffee occasionally or something if you feel the need, but you have to put yourself first.

"my friend stole my phone, betrayed my privacy and my trust to obtain sexual gratification"
some posters: well tbh you sort of deserved it for taking drugs and not being able to afford a house with multiple bathrooms. And of course for having a sex drive in the first place and taking private photos of yourself, you utter hussy.'

Talk about women supporting women!

Imagine you're being taken around a house by an estate agent, "Unfortunatley the only bathroom is accessed via the bedroom"
"Oh that's a bit inconvenient."
"Yes and of course it does mean that if a long term trusted friend sneaks into your bedroom when you're sleeping, steals your phone, hacks into a locked folder and tries to transfer private photos you sent to your partner years ago to wank over then you do of course have to accept full liability."

Exactly what difference would it have made to this scenario if OP had been drinking rather than taking coke, or drowsy anti-histamines for an allergy, or had just been, for whatever reason, sleeping heavily? Or if she'd left her phone on a table in the living room to charge overnight?

What else do people think women somehow deserve blame for? If they get raped because of the clothes they were wearing or because they were flirting with the rapist? Because they walked home after dark because not everyone can do nice middle class jobs in offices or afford a taxi?

Thank you so so much for the few lovely posts, I’m trying my best to hold onto those and ignore the utterly vile, judgemental and sanctimonious venom from a lot of other posters. It really does confirm why people can be so apprehensive to come forward following something much worse happening.
some of the replies have made me feel physically sick and I hope that those posters never have to support a family member or friend through anything similar if this is how they act and judge.

I've barely heard from Kate and thinks it’s pretty obvious she’s chosen Tom over me hurts, for now I’m just going to give her some space and myself a chance to process things x

@LostStars39 are you certain that he didn’t send himself any of the photos and videos?

This is the part that would make me the most uneasy.

Thank you! It seems I disagree with you but you don't want a reasonable discussion. Taking an idea to a ridiculous extreme isn't helpful and - as you are obviously aware - neither is calling people names. I do hope that you don't give away your own house keys or PIN to other people. Maybe I'm a bit too wary but maybe you trust others too much?

She has lost patience with you in a manner which is a bit rough around the edges but from a legal perspective she is absolutely right.

Under the Computer Misuse act 1990 it is an offence to access someone's device without their authorisation. Giving someone access to your mobile device to change song or the playlist on the music player does not then give them authorisation to access your device to view your images, files, or anything else unrelated to the music player at a different point in time.

Her analogy around consent is correct and is the basis for the criminalisation of marital rape and the guiding principle for sexual contact.

Your position is centred around moral judgement and minimising risk but this is quite different to legality.

When applied to dating, your position would be that a woman shouldn't go to a man's bedroom after a date as she risks him getting the wrong idea, and if he then forces him onto her, she is morally partly to blame.

The legal position is that if she did not consent to sexual activity the aggressor is fully at fault.

Referencing insurance companies is not useful as these are for profit businessess which are always delighted to not have to pay out as taking more in premiums than what is paid out is their business model. Just because a travel insurance provider doesn't cover skiing doesn't make skiing illegal.

Edit: Autocorrect typo

I do agree. I wasn't talking about the legal position. I was just trying to say that we should all do our best to protect ourselves and our privacy. I wasn't trying to defend that man at all. He was clearly in the wrong.

This thread has got you be a wind up. 🙄

Not the point but how would he know you have these photos/videos on your phone and where to find them?! That is fucking weird.

On point - he is a perverted weirdo and I would call the police

Just want to add I used to live somewhere where the only bathroom was ensuite.

I’m not sure why you think this. But no. It’s not