Male friend stole my phone to look at my nudes

[LostStars39]

It’s a bit of a weird one and something I never expected would happen, please bear with as it’s so long but I don’t want to leave anything out.

I threw a party last week and I had a few friends over including me and DPs couple friend Kate and Tom (names changed obviously)
myself and DP have been really good friends with Kate and Tom for years now and all get on really well.

Last Saturday night of the party we were all having a great night, everyone was very drunk and drinks were flowing and we were playing games and just generally having fun. We all had a bit of coke but it wasn’t a massive bender or anything (might be relevant later)

Fast forward to about 2am and it starts winding
down, there are a few other people round who get taxis home but Kate and Tom stay over in our spare room as we’d planned.

I sleep with a Bluetooth eyemask and play music to help me fall asleep, I was quite tired and fell asleep quite quickly. A couple of hours later, around 5am I heard the door of the spare room going and assumed Kate or Tom needed the toilet (the only toilet I have in my house is my en-suite) although the sleep mask is good I’m a light sleeper and still hear most noises.
I try going back to sleep as I don’t hear any other movement. Suddenly my music cuts out and I can hear weird noises and a voice that sounds like myself through the eyemask. I jolt upright in bed feeling completely confused and disorientated. The noises I can hear playing is moaning and sounds like porn but also sounds like myself. DP is fast asleep next to me.
I go to grab my phone on my bedside table which is charging next to me but it’s not there. I was pretty drunk when I came up to bed so check under pillows, under the bed etc and then finally think to check my charger lead, it’s not plugged in.

I turn my lamp on and start walking out my room to try and find out what the hell is going on and Tom is sat outside my door holding my phone in one hand and his in another. I grab my phone back and ask him what the fuck he’s doing with my phone and he looks disoriented and sheepish and just keeps stuttering saying sorry and he doesn’t know what he’s doing. He then eventually says he was being a pervert and that he “doesn’t have a boner” I’m really confused so get back into bed while Tom goes to the toilet. While toms in the toilet I wake DP and tell him somethings happened as by this point I’m terrified. Tom comes out the toilet and I pretend to be asleep as I can’t process anything right now. DP and Tom say a couple of words to each other but toms mostly completely out of it.

when Tom goes back to bed I tell DP everything and that I think Tom was watching porn on my phone, I then open my phone to see what it was and turns out Tom has gone into my “hidden photos folder” on iPhone that you need Face ID or passcode for and has been looking through my nudes and videos of myself with sex toys etc I’d sent of myself to DP around 3 years ago when we first got together! I’m absolutely mortified and was nearly sick when I realised. I never go looking in that folder and just save things I wouldn’t want in my main photo album in there. I guess I feel partly to blame as I don’t know why I’d kept the videos but they were saved in a private album!

i felt completely violated and disgusted and the next morning just pretended to be asleep so I didn’t have to see Tom until he went home.

I told DP everything on the night and he’s absolutely disgusted too. Tom never sleeps the night of taking coke so I don’t know if he’d been planning it the whole time he was awake or what. I remembered I’d told him the passcode to my phone that night so he could sort the music on my phone so that’s how he’d gotten into the private album.

I haven’t spoken to Tom since and he hadn’t told Kate, I messaged her the day after explaining everything and she confronted him and kicked him out. He’s now back living with her but staying in the living room, but they also work together and are very codependent. Kate is my best friend and she’s heartbroken but I feel due to codependency she will stay with him.

The 4 of us have lots of gigs, meals, events and a couple of holidays coming up and I just don’t know what to do.

Tom is going to get therapy and has sent an apology card but I still can’t face talking to him.
I don’t really know why I’m posting this but just wanted to get it off my chest.

He’s not a friend to behave like that. Cut him out. If Kate wants to be so naive then let her, but be clear he is no longer your friend.

This sums it up perfectly.
No sympathy here.

You are probably right. I don’t think she had an iPhone.

Yes, it sounds that way. Tacky.

Jeez.🙄

God yeah that £40 twice a year is REALLY going to help me out.

My mums old house you have to walk through a bedroom to get to the only bathroom.
Its not something ive seen commonly, but its definitely a thing in some older houses.

Would be a weird thing to lie about

Sorry this happened to you. Thank god you had a Bluetooth eye mask or he could have been in there hours! What has your DP said? My DH would have gone crazy at him!

It’s not your fault for giving him the code, he’s obviously a creepy pervert and the coke probably didn’t help. Personally I’d flag it with the police non urgent line and see what they say, even if it’s just an event that’s recorded against his name, there might be previous or there might be escalation.
i had similar situation many many years ago (before mobiles) with a friends boyfriend who was disgusting to me almost in plain sight, my friend stayed with him and it was just horrible . I wish I’d done more about it back then, it was the 90s and I wasn’t as switched on then but so much came out about him later on, prolific sex offender

The comments on here are truly disgusting. They really are. I bet the majority are probably wearing some shitty fast fashion while typing, thus contributing to suffering of countless children and exploitation of adults. To tell a victim that she’s just as bad because she “supports the cocaine trade” is so low.

Me might have have used OP’s face to open the folder when she was asleep?

A lot of the comments on this thread are the perfect example of why Mumsnet is every bit as misogynistic as an incel Reddit forum.

A woman had her sexual privacy deliberately violated. The fact that she had explicit photos on her phone and took some cocaine doesn’t change what happened, and picking up on that, rather than the awful behaviour of the man who went through her phone, is exactly like telling an assault victim off for wearing a short skirt.

But if you give your PIN to someone, you are partly to blame if they steal money from your account. And I don't think an insurance company would pay out if you were burgled by someone you'd given your house key to, no matter how trustworthy you thought they were.

I can assure you I don't wear fast fashion -how very presumptuous of you! But of course, fast fashion is in the same league as cocaine 🙄. My comment is not low-it is the truth - might be deemed low by OP and other coke-heads though.

What if you give your house key to someone, like a boyfriend or husband and they violently and / or sexually attack you in your own home , or even your home you share with them.
would you be at fault for giving them a key?
Would you be at fault for consenting to sex with them in the past?

I had an eye mask on, but I did tell him my passcode earlier in the night stupidly

Obviously not. That's hardly a good analogy so it's irrelevant.

Another analogy is that your neighbour gives you a key to water her plants. You use her house to have a party while you are away. Or your boss gives you the code for a safe at work so that you can deposit something there. You later return to help yourself to cash or valuables from the safe.
Basically it’s a gross violation of trust. And while an insurance company might not pay out if you’ve give your key to someone (because insurance companies will avoid liability when they can) it is still the perpetrator who is at fault for breaching the trust of the victim. And they would still be criminally liable - can’t see the police saying “oh Mrs Jones gave you the key to feed her cat? Oh well never mind that you stole her telly then”.
Its shocking that people are such die hard misogynists on here that the victim is told she’s “just as bad” because she took drugs (if any of you have teen children, there’s a fairly high chance they have taken drugs btw). And that she was at fault for giving her passcode to her friend to do the music.

Where have I been misogynistic? I've not mentioned sex at all. And I haven't said she's wholly to blame. But if she hadn't given him her passcode, he wouldn't have been able to access her photos. If you don't give someone the key to your house, it's harder for them to steal from you. If you don't give someone the code to the safe,they'll have difficulty getting into it. Therefore, you are partly to blame and partly at fault. The codes and keys and PINs are there for your safety and it's your responsibility to keep them to yourself. If you don't, you must take some responsibility for the consequences.

While you can say someone is negligent (although if think most people would trust a friend with their phone passcode to sort out music for a party), no they are not partly to blame or partly at fault for a violation against themselves when someone breaches their trust. Just as someone isn’t partly to blame if they wear revealing clothing, go on a date with their attacker or kiss them. Like people used to believe about 50 years ago.

I’m struggling to understand how anyone can blame you for this, @LostStars39. The facts that you had taken cocaine and given him your code to play music are irrelevant. Neither of those make what he did acceptable. Also, it sounds to me like he was airdropping those videos to himself. Has that been checked?

I don't understand why he'd go to the risk of taking the phone to check it out even if he knew the number. Coked up bravado, maybe.
But do most people have nude pictures and videos of themselves playing with sex toys in a secret folder? What was he expecting to find? Presumably, he found what he was looking for this time but does he look at all phones if he has the chance in case there are videos of its owner wanking, I wonder.

But do most people have nude pictures and videos of themselves playing with sex toys in a secret folder? What was he expecting to find? Presumably, he found what he was looking for this time but does he look at all phones if he has the chance in case there are videos of its owner wanking, I wonder.

I expect he would look at most women’s phones if he had the opportunity, yes, hoping to find something of that nature. Much like he’d probably go through a woman’s bedside cabinet in the hope of finding a vibrator or whatever.

What point are are you trying to make here? What difference does it make if ‘most’ people have sexy pictures of themselves or not? What difference does it make if someone might be able to guess that the OP is the kind of person who does? That still doesn’t give anyone the right to access her private images. She has done nothing wrong by having explicit pictures of herself. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.

BauhausOfEliott
What point are are you trying to make here?
Basically what I said in the post:
but does he look at all phones if he has the chance?
That seems such weird behaviour.
He couldn't necessarily have expected to find sexy pictures/videos (most times he probably wouldn't) so what is he looking for generally? As I said: what was he expecting to find on OP's phone?
I'd be almost more worried about bank details or something.
That still doesn’t give anyone the right to access her private images.
I didn't say it did and I don't think it does.
That seems a bit of a tangent to go off on from my post.

I turn my lamp on and start walking out my room to try and find out what the hell is going on and Tom is sat outside my door holding my phone in one hand and his in another. I grab my phone back and ask him what the fuck he’s doing with my phone and he looks disoriented and sheepish and just keeps stuttering saying sorry and he doesn’t know what he’s doing. He then eventually says he was being a pervert and that he “doesn’t have a boner”

All this happens without the OP's husband waking up?

I’m really confused so get back into bed while Tom goes to the toilet. While toms in the toilet I wake DP and tell him somethings happened as by this point I’m terrified.

Not too terrified to let him into your room though? I can't imagine how the conversation goes, with Tom in the loo, and you whispering 'DP wake up! Something has happened with Tom and I think it's bad. I can't explain right now. Quick, he's coming. I'll pretend to be asleep.'

when Tom goes back to bed I tell DP everything and that I think Tom was watching porn on my phone, I then open my phone to see what it was and turns out Tom has gone into my “hidden photos folder” on iPhone that you need Face ID or passcode for and has been looking through my nudes and videos of myself with sex toys etc I’d sent of myself to DP around 3 years ago when we first got together!

If this were me, or absolutely everybody I'd have looked on my phone immediately to see what he'd been looking at. I mean right at the point you grabbed it from his hand while he was still on the landing looking 'disoriented and sheepish.' I mean why wouldn't you look right then? You were hearing porn noises that sounded like you, right? You stopped and had a brief conversation with him where he said the words 'pervert' and 'boner' and you still didn't look?

At the very least you'd have looked at your phone while he went into the loo, surely? Your lamp is still on. But you wake your DP up, hasitly give him some cryptic partial explanation that 'something has happened' and then pretend to be asleep? All before even knowing what he'd looked at? That's just so weird. I realise it's a weird situation and sometimes in shock and confusion we don't react as we think we would, be even so. Super weird.

I think the natural and entirely instinctive reaction when you realise someone has just been snooping on your phone is to immediately find out what they were looking at. Or is that just me?

I felt completely violated and disgusted and the next morning just pretended to be asleep so I didn’t have to see Tom until he went home.

Understandable, but once your DP had been shown what he'd done did he not say something? I mean it sounds like he gave them coffee, kissed your friend goodbye on the cheek, shook Tom's hand and let them go on their way with a bacon sandwich for the journey and 'thanks for a great night' and Kate was none the wiser that anything had happened until you texted her the following day? I mean, really?

Apart from anything else, she's your best friend yet you TEXT her something like as huge as this?

Your DP was remarkably laid back about the whole thing, I must say. Most men would have been raging and slung him out of the house there and then at 5am, probably with a black eye to see him on his way. Not your DP, oh no. He says 'a couple of words' that don't even wake Kate up, and that's the end of it. Let's Tom have a nice lie-in to sleep off having just watched LostStars39 Does Dallas.

The 4 of us have lots of gigs, meals, events and a couple of holidays coming up and I just don’t know what to do.

You don't know what to do? Seriously? This is the sort of gross invasion of privacy that could get him a prison spell and you are wondering whether you should still go on holiday together?

So, @HeadDeskHeadDesk, you'd have acted differently. Good for you. No doubt, so would I, say I, sitting here in my comfortable room. I have never been in the OP's position - or at least, not in that precise situation. You can't predict how you'd behave.

When someone is in a state of shock they act differently, illogically, or not at all.
Someone witnessing a terrorist attack might not react at all immediately but carry on with their work, like that taxi driver who took so long to process what he'd just seen.

Rape victims don't all scream or fight back. Sometimes they fawn, try to make things seem all right and normal. Sometimes they don't say anything for years.

The OP was in a state of shock. Or at least, I imagine so. Someone she's trusted and taken for granted turned out to be someone else entirely.

Your post reminds me of the sort of thing defence barristers say to undermine prosecution witnesses.