Male friend stole my phone to look at my nudes

[LostStars39]

It’s a bit of a weird one and something I never expected would happen, please bear with as it’s so long but I don’t want to leave anything out.

I threw a party last week and I had a few friends over including me and DPs couple friend Kate and Tom (names changed obviously)
myself and DP have been really good friends with Kate and Tom for years now and all get on really well.

Last Saturday night of the party we were all having a great night, everyone was very drunk and drinks were flowing and we were playing games and just generally having fun. We all had a bit of coke but it wasn’t a massive bender or anything (might be relevant later)

Fast forward to about 2am and it starts winding
down, there are a few other people round who get taxis home but Kate and Tom stay over in our spare room as we’d planned.

I sleep with a Bluetooth eyemask and play music to help me fall asleep, I was quite tired and fell asleep quite quickly. A couple of hours later, around 5am I heard the door of the spare room going and assumed Kate or Tom needed the toilet (the only toilet I have in my house is my en-suite) although the sleep mask is good I’m a light sleeper and still hear most noises.
I try going back to sleep as I don’t hear any other movement. Suddenly my music cuts out and I can hear weird noises and a voice that sounds like myself through the eyemask. I jolt upright in bed feeling completely confused and disorientated. The noises I can hear playing is moaning and sounds like porn but also sounds like myself. DP is fast asleep next to me.
I go to grab my phone on my bedside table which is charging next to me but it’s not there. I was pretty drunk when I came up to bed so check under pillows, under the bed etc and then finally think to check my charger lead, it’s not plugged in.

I turn my lamp on and start walking out my room to try and find out what the hell is going on and Tom is sat outside my door holding my phone in one hand and his in another. I grab my phone back and ask him what the fuck he’s doing with my phone and he looks disoriented and sheepish and just keeps stuttering saying sorry and he doesn’t know what he’s doing. He then eventually says he was being a pervert and that he “doesn’t have a boner” I’m really confused so get back into bed while Tom goes to the toilet. While toms in the toilet I wake DP and tell him somethings happened as by this point I’m terrified. Tom comes out the toilet and I pretend to be asleep as I can’t process anything right now. DP and Tom say a couple of words to each other but toms mostly completely out of it.

when Tom goes back to bed I tell DP everything and that I think Tom was watching porn on my phone, I then open my phone to see what it was and turns out Tom has gone into my “hidden photos folder” on iPhone that you need Face ID or passcode for and has been looking through my nudes and videos of myself with sex toys etc I’d sent of myself to DP around 3 years ago when we first got together! I’m absolutely mortified and was nearly sick when I realised. I never go looking in that folder and just save things I wouldn’t want in my main photo album in there. I guess I feel partly to blame as I don’t know why I’d kept the videos but they were saved in a private album!

i felt completely violated and disgusted and the next morning just pretended to be asleep so I didn’t have to see Tom until he went home.

I told DP everything on the night and he’s absolutely disgusted too. Tom never sleeps the night of taking coke so I don’t know if he’d been planning it the whole time he was awake or what. I remembered I’d told him the passcode to my phone that night so he could sort the music on my phone so that’s how he’d gotten into the private album.

I haven’t spoken to Tom since and he hadn’t told Kate, I messaged her the day after explaining everything and she confronted him and kicked him out. He’s now back living with her but staying in the living room, but they also work together and are very codependent. Kate is my best friend and she’s heartbroken but I feel due to codependency she will stay with him.

The 4 of us have lots of gigs, meals, events and a couple of holidays coming up and I just don’t know what to do.

Tom is going to get therapy and has sent an apology card but I still can’t face talking to him.
I don’t really know why I’m posting this but just wanted to get it off my chest.

I think she was trying to quote OP for the first part but didn’t put it in bold or use speech marks.

How did he know you had the pictures on your phone. How did he know to go and look for them.

Sounds like he knew there was a hidden album, purposely took his phone, and he was copying files over from one phone to the other, and planned this having seen that album when sorting the music.

Report to the police. More than just a perve!

Which aspect is hard to believe?
The camaraderie?
The drink and drugs?
The sleepiness?
The private folder?
The man's behaviour?
Or is it just the unfamiliar architecture, probably sounding weird because of the modern term 'ensuite'? (It is surprisingly common in old cottages given a makeover in the last century to bring the loo in from down the garden. I have lived in one myself.)

I realise there have been quite a few AI slop threads lately so I wondered what was triggering people's adverse reaction to this one.

@LostStars39 I'm taking you at face value, and am sorry you've been so horribly betrayed. You've had good advice already about how to deal with your STBXfriends. I don't know why the police would think of the coke if no one mentions it to them and there is no reason for them to suspect it, but they'd take the phone and data misuse pretty seriously.

Good luck.

Jesus Christ, all these people questioning OP house layout and phone security? I completely get this.

My en-suite is also a main bathroom, has 2 doors, but most guests just go through my room because of the layout.

I also wear a Bluetooth headband to bed every night.

And my iPhone hidden folder has the same passcode as my phone passcode.

None of this is unbelievable at all and… OP, I would unfortunately cut your losses. Go round their house with you DP, while his GF is there, check the creep’s phone, say your piece and then cut ties with both of them. I understand they’re your only friends, but he’s not your friend. And she’s not your friend if she sticks with him.

Have reported both of you for trollhunting. I’ve been reporting for trollhunting on here for far far less. This poster has been violated and you’re calling bullshit?

Perhaps your boyfriend told him about the videos? How else would 'Tom' have known to look for that?

Have you deleted them off your phone?

He sounds like a dodgy creep. Not sure about reporting to the police when you gave him the passcode to your phone.

You are not to blame for Toms violation OP but it’s very risky to make videos of yourself that you wouldn’t want shared. They can so easily be accessed and spread around the world in minutes. Best delete what you have on your phone and report Tom to the police.

sorry to say, but if you are even thinking about going to the police, you need to hang on to the videos for now. They will be evidence.

“Something you never thought would happen”? Except it already happened once. It was your boyfriend last time. This time it’s a guest in your home with only one bathroom which happens to be an en suite (sure…)

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4054547-I-don-t-even-know-anymore

Maybe she's partly to blame because she gave him her passcode.

Hear, hear. What the OP keeps - or any of us keep - on device we own is our own damn business.

The OP's privacy, and I'd include dignity, have been hugely damaged by the actions of this person.
And intoxication of any sort is not a valid excuse. If you choose to intoxicate yourself, which is totally fine, then you choose to accept the consequences of what you might do whilst intoxicated.

I'm really sorry this has happened to you, OP.
My advice would be to strongly and honestly consider whether or not this friendship is salvageable and, if not, I'd be inclined to talk to his partner about it.

It’s just someone who doesn’t know how to use the quote function.

And having viewed quite a few older houses recently I can confirm there are ones out there with just an en suite. Friends own one and it is far from ideal with guests but fine for the other 360 days of the year so they live with it.

Completely unnecessary. Talk about victim blaming.

On the street I used to live, several of the houses had a bathroom that could only be accessed from one of the bedrooms. I’ve attached a floor plan of one of them. Total nightmare but definitely a thing!

Thats like saying if you give someone a key to your house (someone you trust) that its ok to steal from you!
She's not to blame at all

Call the police

I put a partition wall and hallway to the bathroom

The only thing about reporting is that the police then have to look at everything on your phone (!) and can even retrieve deleted images, I believe.

OP, I'm sorry your post has attracted an unusual amount of troll hunting, victim blaming and disbelief. There has been an influx of misogyny on here lately - frustrated MRAs and incels I guess - pushing an anti women agenda on every post they can. It's really distasteful to see it on a thread about sexual assault or violation of this degree. Mumsnet has always been a site supportive of victims of male sexual violence and people with genuine concerns about a thread would report it quietly without casting doubt publicly. There is also a tiresome contingent who call everything AI - the actual AI posts are easy to spot from tone and phrasing, but some people seem to think anything unusual or outside their normal experience is AI. Again, seeing it on a sensitive thread is jaw-dropping.

There is nothing unbelievable about an odd house layout and a predatory man. I think as painful and disruptive to your life as it must be, you need to cut this man oit of your life and that means his partner too if she's standing by him. Being in his presence will only make you feel threatened, violated and upset. That's not what friends are for. He can't bring anything into your life now, and the sooner you cut him out the sooner you can heal. Perhaps he will make progress in therapy but his rehabilitation is not your responsibility. Focus on your recovery, not his. And to recover, you need him out of your life.

And people wonder why women don’t report sex crimes…
This troll hunting is not only damaging the OP but also all victims of sex crimes. You are reinforcing the belief they won’t be believed or told they are somehow to blame. Just stop.

It’s the kind of behaviour I’d expect from people who take coke.

Yes that’s what mine had but I was posting to say that people who are doubting it’s a thing to only have an en-suite toilet are wrong.

I think that's deliberate. The victim blamers and doubters on this thread are so vehement I believe they're deliberately trying to undermine victims of sexual violence. We've had a lot of anti-women, anti-feminist posters here lately and I think we'll increasingly see them crawling over rape and assault threads.