What’s more important; funeral or wedding

[mosptrd]

SIL have planned her wedding for over a year. Dh and I with dc are invited. Sadly my father, who lived abroad, died. The funeral is on the same day as the wedding. I need to go to the funeral but Dh wants to go to the wedding with dc. It really feels that blood is thicker than water.

Your husband goes to the wedding with your children and you do to the funeral. Your dad isn't going to notice if they arent there, your sil will.

Funerals can be moved.
2 weeks in the planning.
A wedding can so many working parts , sometimes a year in the planning.

I guess I'm surprised you didn't mention the clash with dates when arranging the funeral. Although it is sometimes tricky to get a date that works for everyone, this would have been the best solution.

Whether it would be my parent's funeral and in-law's wedding or the other way around, the son/daughter of the parent would go to the funeral and the sibling of the bride/groom would go to the wedding. Kids could decide depending on ages (mine are older so may wish to go to the funeral of a grandparent). Of course, disappointing and not ideal, but I wouldn't want to miss my sibling's wedding for the funeral of an in-law.

You're his daughter, if you can't make that day why on earth would it not be arranged for another date?

You go to funeral, your husband goes to wedding. With children I'd say depends how old they are and what the relationship is with SIL and grandpa

Sorry about your loss.

Your husband is a dick if he expects you to be partying and having fun at a wedding on the day that your father's funeral is being held. And he should be there supporting you if you want him there.

Why are some men so selfish?

I am so sorry for your loss. I don’t understand that the funeral was planned on the one day that you, a daughter, really could not make it. But now that things are the way they are, it seems best that you go to the funeral, and that your husband goes to the wedding. I would have been quite upset if my husband had not been at my parents’ funerals, but I would not have wanted him to miss a sibling’s wedding. Your children could go to either. If they were close to your father (or if it’s important to you, maybe especially if your husband’s not there), then the funeral. If not, they can go to the wedding. If none of them can come with you, I’d think of organising another ‘moment’ later, for them to say goodbye to your father with you and to create some ‘closure’ together. Wishing you lots of strength.

It really feels that blood is thicker than water.

If you have said this to him that’s very unfair and a bit hypocritical as you are choosing the funeral. Of course you should choose the funeral he was your father. Equally his sister is getting married so of course he wants to attend the wedding. I agree with other posters that have suggested you go to the funeral and DH and kids go to the wedding

For everyone saying that they can't believe the funeral was arranged on the same day, and why wasn't OP consulted; some countries have strict laws around funeral timings. My own father also died abroad in a country where funerals have to take place within 48 hours of death.

I agree that DH and DC should go to the wedding and you should go to the funeral but I really feel for you, having to split the family and not have your DH'S support on the day. I was in a similar situation when my dad died and DH couldn't get time off work with immediate notice. It just has to be put down to circumstance though - nobody is doing anything wrong.

I’d be really upset if my partner didn’t go with me to the funeral in your circumstance.

I'm not understanding this. Are you saying SIL should cancel her wedding because her brothers wife's dad died?

Brides own father dying is a very different scenario. And onviosuly upto the bride what they want. But funeral would unlikely clash with the wedding cause whole family would be there.

So sorry for your loss. I would say you go to funeral and your DH goes to his sister's wedding with the children.

It’s a real shame that as his daughter no one consulted you on when the funeral was going to be held 😕
Its tricky to answer the question of importance though, I’m sure your fathers funeral is more important to you, but equally your husbands sister’s wedding is likely to be more important to him?
I hope you have family who will be able to offer comfort/support at the funeral? I would be inclined to agree with PPs that you attend the funeral and your husband the wedding. I’m sorry for your loss.

Would you not be more upset that a member of your close family had arranged your parent's funeral without checking your availability first?

It’s a real shame that as his daughter no one consulted you on when the funeral was going to be held

I'm part of a very far-flung family. A recent parental funeral was organised around when the most far-flung children could travel across half the world to get to it. Those of us more local worked around them. The timing was incredibly tight.

I'm sorry for your loss OP, but am also not understanding why the immediate family weren't consulted about the date of the funeral so the clash could have been avoided.

Sorry for your loss. Funeral is more important than a wedding.

The OP has to travel abroad for this wedding though, which makes it even more surprising that she wasn't consulted.

I agree with the many pp saying that you should go to the funeral and your DH should go to the wedding. I wonder whether there is anyone you could ask to go with you, even if it's just for the journey and not the actual ceremony? I know that that's a huge ask but you may have friends who are in a willing and able to help.

If you decide to go to the wedding the chances are that you would be a dampener on the event anyway. I can't imagine how you could wholeheartedly join in someone else's celebrations when you've just lost your father.

Many years ago now I backed out of attending a close friend's wedding when my own fiancé died shortly before it. I explained to her and she completely understood. I still think it was the right decision, despite any inconvenience that it caused.

Was the funeral date outside your control? If not, I think that your DH should support you. If it wasn’t, and you didn’t do all you could to not have it on the same day as the wedding, he should go to the wedding.

Wedding definitely more important in my opinion. Certainly yiu DH should go to husband sisters in this instance.

Husband and kids to wedding. You go to the funeral. Or move the funeral. It will be easier to move the funeral than the wedding.

Exaclty what I was thinking.

Depends on where the funeral is. In Ireland, depending on the time of day the person died, it will be either 2 or 3 days. So someone dies in the early hours of the Monday morning, the wake is Tuesday evening and they are buried Wednesday. If they die Monday afternoon, it will probably be a day later. They are very occasionally deferred if a close family member has to travel a long distance. You don't get family discussions as to when suits individual family members. Op said her father died abroad so it could quite different to what you're used to.

It’s bizarre in my culture. I can’t understand why a child wouldn’t attend a family members funeral. I think it’s healthy for children to attend funerals, it demystifies death and helps them to understand why they won’t see the person again.