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Original poster

What’s more important; funeral or wedding

247 replies

mosptrd · 25/09/2025 15:06

SIL have planned her wedding for over a year. Dh and I with dc are invited. Sadly my father, who lived abroad, died. The funeral is on the same day as the wedding. I need to go to the funeral but Dh wants to go to the wedding with dc. It really feels that blood is thicker than water.

OP posts:
Nearly50omg · 26/09/2025 00:13

MontyDonsBlueScarf · 25/09/2025 19:03

I agree with the many pp saying that you should go to the funeral and your DH should go to the wedding. I wonder whether there is anyone you could ask to go with you, even if it's just for the journey and not the actual ceremony? I know that that's a huge ask but you may have friends who are in a willing and able to help.

If you decide to go to the wedding the chances are that you would be a dampener on the event anyway. I can't imagine how you could wholeheartedly join in someone else's celebrations when you've just lost your father.

Many years ago now I backed out of attending a close friend's wedding when my own fiancé died shortly before it. I explained to her and she completely understood. I still think it was the right decision, despite any inconvenience that it caused.

The fact you even had to explain to your friend that you weren’t attending her wedding because your fiancé had died is utterly appalling!!! A friend wouldn’t even need to be told!! They would be telling you not to even think about their wedding as of course you were devastated

DappledThings · 26/09/2025 07:12

Pollymollydolly · 25/09/2025 23:42

It’s bizarre in my culture. I can’t understand why a child wouldn’t attend a family members funeral. I think it’s healthy for children to attend funerals, it demystifies death and helps them to understand why they won’t see the person again.

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Completely bizarre to me too. Children are expected at all events like this in my world. But in an unfortunate clash between their grandad's funeral and their aunt's wedding I'd send them to the wedding.

landlordhell · 26/09/2025 07:15

My DDs attended my DM’s funeral. They were 11 and 14 and she was a massive part of their life. They also saw her in hospital after she died. Part of life.

landlordhell · 26/09/2025 07:16

Nearly50omg · 26/09/2025 00:13

The fact you even had to explain to your friend that you weren’t attending her wedding because your fiancé had died is utterly appalling!!! A friend wouldn’t even need to be told!! They would be telling you not to even think about their wedding as of course you were devastated

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Agree. Crazy.

limescale · 26/09/2025 09:42

Nearly50omg · 26/09/2025 00:13

The fact you even had to explain to your friend that you weren’t attending her wedding because your fiancé had died is utterly appalling!!! A friend wouldn’t even need to be told!! They would be telling you not to even think about their wedding as of course you were devastated

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I'm reading this as her just having to tell her friend "my fiance has died, I won't be coming to your wedding" rather than her somehow justifying why she couldn't attend. Maybe the bride did not know her friend's fiance had died (we have no idea of the timeline or circumstances). I think people are being a bit quick to jump on the bride here. I could be wrong.

pinkspeakers · 26/09/2025 09:43

I think you need to split for this one. You go to the funeral and the rest of the family go to the wedding.

I am surprised that you couldn't arrange the funeral for a different date though!

Abominableday · 26/09/2025 09:47

limescale · 26/09/2025 09:42

I'm reading this as her just having to tell her friend "my fiance has died, I won't be coming to your wedding" rather than her somehow justifying why she couldn't attend. Maybe the bride did not know her friend's fiance had died (we have no idea of the timeline or circumstances). I think people are being a bit quick to jump on the bride here. I could be wrong.

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I agree. I also don't think you could assume that someone bereaved (possibly months ago) would want to be left out of a celebration. The only important thing is to accept whatever they want and not to make an issue of it - no sign the bride did

MontyDonsBlueScarf · 26/09/2025 12:34

@Abominableday and @limescale you're both absolutely right. I had previously accepted the invitation and I thought it unreasonable to just not show up without telling the bride why.

We were old friends and I wanted to go but I just couldn't, she completely understood. She would have been equally accepting if I'd said that I wanted to try but might have to leave.

I only mentioned it on here because I there's been a lot of discussion about what's right or wrong, and not much about the practicalities of having a recently bereaved person at a wedding from both the couples's and the person's perspective.

CountryQueen · 26/09/2025 13:23

Agree with everyone else. You go to the funeral and he takes the kids to the wedding

DiscoBelle · 26/09/2025 18:02

Funeral for me, always, especially with Dad
being such a close relative.
I’d expect my husband to be with me there too, but it depends how their relationship was, I know my husband wouldn’t miss my Dads funeral for the world.

Trishyb10 · 26/09/2025 18:03

Its your dad,,, are you not that close? Can you live without regret if you dont go… much more importand you go, shows you cannot be so close if you are thinking of missing it, as others have said, hubby goes to wedding, you do the right thing and go to funeral, also looks terrible if you dont attend x

Chinsupmeloves · 26/09/2025 18:07

No dilemma for me, absolutely funeral. You only have one beloved Dad. I would like to think my DH would agree.

So sorry for your loss. Xxx

Silverbirchleaf · 26/09/2025 18:18

LadydeBathe · 25/09/2025 15:07

Why can’t you go to the funeral and he goes to the wedding? Seems like the most suitable solution.

First post nails it.

independentfriend · 26/09/2025 18:21

I'd veto the funeral date - you're close enough (barring some bizarre circs) that that date shouldn't have been set without accommodating you.

If not then you going to the funeral and your husband and children going to the wedding makes sense but isn't ideal.

GiveDogBone · 26/09/2025 18:21

As others note, you should go to funeral, husband to the wedding. For either of you to expect the other to accompany them and miss their own family gathering is extremely selfish.

Only place I’d part from other advice is that your children should get to choose (e.g. if they were particularly close to their grandfather, or conversely, had much more contact with their aunt)

Yourcatisnotsorry · 26/09/2025 18:28

Surely you have a say in the funeral date of your father? We picked the time and date for MIL (from the available slots obviously). If unavoidable I agree brother and children should go to the wedding. Why deny your children and husband joy.

Whatthebarnacles · 26/09/2025 18:37

A funeral is a forever goodbye.

A wedding can end and mean nothing in 12 months time.

Funeral, every single time.

LemondrizzleShark · 26/09/2025 18:40

For an Irish funeral, it would be expected that the sil would be there unless there were majorly extenuating circumstances.

Agree - we just disagree on what “major extenuating circumstances” are!

I would say “I am meant to be at my sister’s wedding on the same day but in another country” is extenuating enough. It’s fine if you disagree, but reasonable people can draw the line in different places.

Jumpers4goalposts · 26/09/2025 18:44

I think it would be very unfair of you to expect your DH to miss his sisters wedding to attend your DF’s funeral…. Equally it would be unfair of him to expect you to miss your DF’s funeral. There are so many unanswered questions where’s the wedding where’s the funeral? Timings of both? Near airports or not? Closeness of relationships?

Bobnobob · 26/09/2025 18:54

I would be so torn if MIL died and the only way I could attend is to miss my sisters wedding. I think I would go to the wedding and DH would agree. Someone dying highlights how important it was to have had good special memories to look back on with family and that’s what your DH will miss out on .. not just with his sister but his whole family.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 26/09/2025 19:01

A vote would have helped, agree with most, you go to the funeral and he goes to the wedding.
Sorry for your loss.

PeachyPeachTrees · 26/09/2025 19:13

I agree with everyone else, you go to DF funeral and DH goes to his sister's wedding and takes the kids.

browneyes77 · 26/09/2025 19:14

Unless there’s some backstory where you had a poor relation with your DF, then parents trump in-laws in this case.

Your father funeral is more important

SIL will still be there to celebrate with after.

You don’t ‘need’ support on your wedding day. Plenty of people there to celebrate a union.

You’ll need support for you fathers funeral

But your DH could go to the wedding whilst you attend the funeral, providing you’ll be ok attending alone

HairyToity · 26/09/2025 19:17

We would compromise, DH and kids at wedding, me at funeral. I'd want kids to enjoy the wedding with their dad.

Spinmerightroundbaby · 26/09/2025 19:39

LadydeBathe · 25/09/2025 15:07

Why can’t you go to the funeral and he goes to the wedding? Seems like the most suitable solution.

This.