I cannot stop thinking about the private lapdance my DH had

[Fondantfancybutnotthepinkone]

It was around 2 years ago. I don't think about it every day, but if something comes on the tv e.g. a film with a lapdance club/stripper then I go into angry mode. I also have random thoughts about it and get upset. During these times I have to move away from DH, I usually only get angry/upset if he is with me when I start thinking about it.

He had a potentially gorgeously slim woman, presumably in sexy undies which would have come off, wrangling round in front of him. I am writing this at work and have tears in my eyes, He might as well have slept with a prostitute.

I never mention it as DH goes into one when I do, saying he has done ''nothing wrong''. He actually gets angry when I mention it.

It is destroying me. I have mild body dysmorphia. This is one of the worse things he could have done to me. I don't want to leave him.

He gets angry because
a. he knows he has been unfaithful on some level
b. he knows he's personally exploited for his sexual satisfaction an economically vulnerable women who wouldn't choose to do this if better options were available
c. he's a gaslighting prick

I think her reaction is entirely normal. He bought a woman's time to dance and strip in front of him. A humiliating sex act done by a prostituted woman who is being exploited by our sex positive and pornified (the 2 go together) culture. I'd have left him if he did not understand that this was very, very wrong - might have left anyway.

Even with the OP’s update?

I feel I'm having deja vu with this post?

OP - does your body dysmorphia come from your DH's lack of interest in sex? I'm wondering if you think he doesn't fancy you (that's what I would assume if a partner didn't want to have much of a physical relationship with me).

I get it - being open to a 3-some involves both of you, and the other person. It would be both of you making the choice and both participating in the act. Your DH didn't consult you about the lapdance - he just went away and paid another woman for sexual thrills on his lonesome and then expected you to be thrilled about him getting his rocks off with a complete stranger.

Honestly - I would insist on a conversation about your sex life in general - couples counselling might help. If he's not open to that maybe get counselling yourself so that you can understand that you are not in a healthy relationship.

You haven't done anything wrong 💐

If you think a private lapdance is bad, I think you'd find a 3-some more unsettling than you think.

The situation may have started out the same (though in that case he was ambushed in a pub and never agreed to have a lap dance) but his response was absolutely the opposite of OP’s husband and in the subsequent 27 years he’s given no cause for concern so I think she was right to go ahead.
But if OP can’t get over it, people will understand.

It is interesting actually as I’ve been pondering this - I’d be far more repulsed by the 3some than the lap dance.

I think you're always going to be miserable in this relationship OP, lapdance or not.HmAt best he isn't showing you that he finds you attractive, at worst he doesn't find you attractive. Amd attraction isn't just down to physical attributes

Easy solution, give him one every now and then and it will take over this thought

Yup. www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5243906-dh-lap-dance-this-is-just-killing-me?page=2&reply=141094287

And also: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5189293-ever-since-dh-went-for-a-private-lap-dance-i-cant-stop-feeling-ugly-disgusted-by-my-body

Bluntly you either need to put it behind you and move on or leave him. Your current approach is deeply unhealthy and sadistic. It’s not helping either or you. Get help and leave or move on. Those are the only choices you have for a normal life. To be this consumed by it but insisting you won’t leave just makes you a part of the problem rather than a part of the solution. But I think we are all wasting our breath anyway..

OP, do you actually want to have a threesome, or did you just suggest this to your husband to excite him/keep him interested?

It does sound as if you have very low self-esteem and your husband's low sex drive is contributing to that. It must be confusing to you that he then decided to have a lap dance, but it must also be confusing for him that you suggested having a threesome but get angry about a lapdance (which doesn't actually involve sex at all).

This is beyond my powers to untangle - I agree with the poster who said that therapy is the way forward.

Why shouldn’t she want to have a threesome? It’s transparent, no money changes hands, both are involved, completely different from a lap dance that he pays for alone.

After your update I think a lapdance two years ago is the least of your problems.

OP doesn’t care about money changing hands - that’s not the aspect she’s said upsets her. She’s destroyed by the idea that a gorgeous woman took off her underwear in front of him and has made multiple posts about it. Actually seeing it happen would almost certainly send her over the edge.

I do find that threesome offer in this thread hard to untangle as well - except to make a general point that at the root of all of this angst is the fact that as a society we put way too much emphasis on appearances and, above all, on body shape.

OP is feeling distraught in her marriage because she feels the external package she exists in is not sufficiently appealing to the person she has forged a life with.

It reduces us all to sex devices. I don't totally buy the "men are visual/can't help it" line either, because different things are lusted after in different societies and at different times. It is driven by societal attitudes - and the part of that that upsets me most is that very often this is driven by, and perpetuated by, the attitudes of other women. You see it on here all the time and I don't know if they are women who prioritise their weight over everything and are accordingly slim, or women who have weight issues and are self-loathing, but the discussion and attitudes around it are dismaying and disgusting.

And I say that as someone who has always been considered attractive and genuinely don't feel too hard on myself. A huge proportion of threads on here are either directly or tangentially related to the fact that women's sense of self is so entwined with their body image in such a toxic knot.

I think your update changes everything OP.

You say that you’re “open” about sex and interested in a threesome, and also that your DH is sexually inhibited. You also say that he seemed pleased to tell you about the lapse as soon as he got back.

It really sounds as if he thought you’d be happy he was trying to be more adventurous. And given your comments about a threesome he probably thought the lapse would be totally fine. A man who comes back and voluntarily tells you about a lap dance with great enthusiasm is not someone trying to hide something from his wife.

Mixed signals I think - so probably neither of you are at fault. As PP said, couples counselling to get things out in the open would really help.

Also, it is bonkers to think you would be happy having a threesome, unless you mean with two blokes. I don’t like strip clubs but they’re relatively harmless compared to actually having sex with another woman, albeit with you present.

Thanks to @IHate - I thought I recognised the situation too!

Eight months on OP and you still seem very keen on having a revenge lap dance. That won’t remove your mental images and will just be a nail in the coffin of your relationship. Counselling would be far better.

I totally get this OP. I’m the same when I think of the porn I found saved in my DH phone. I don’t think about it all the time but when I do I get really angry and upset. I also suffer body and self esteem issues - I think most mums do? - and I know it’s because I wish I was young and skinny and perfect again and I can’t get back to that even with a lot of surgery.

For that reason I would assume it would be a threesome with two men, but if with a woman, she would presumably be involved in choosing who that would be.

That's where we need to be supportive and a psychologically healthy influence on each other as women.

There was a thread the other day about Victoria Starmer looking ( I think) really lovely in a green dress. Before you knew it, posters were online noting how it "made her tummy stick out." (Hardly at all imo)

She looked so natural and relaxed and lovely and yes, she didn't look like a very young woman pre-children but what is so sick about that is she is not. She looked like a very attractive lady for her age and stage of life. It's time we stopped berating women for looking like who they are.

Leaving aside opinions on lapdancing for a moment.

1. Your husband did something that you cannot get over.
2. You want to stay with him.

They aren't compatible- if you cannot get over it, then you should leave him. If you want to stay, you need to find a way to move on from it.

What you are going to yourself is a form of torture because you can't get to the position you want.

Both fair points. I personally don’t think it sounds like OP could handle that, but I can see what you’re saying.