I cannot stop thinking about the private lapdance my DH had

[Fondantfancybutnotthepinkone]

It was around 2 years ago. I don't think about it every day, but if something comes on the tv e.g. a film with a lapdance club/stripper then I go into angry mode. I also have random thoughts about it and get upset. During these times I have to move away from DH, I usually only get angry/upset if he is with me when I start thinking about it.

He had a potentially gorgeously slim woman, presumably in sexy undies which would have come off, wrangling round in front of him. I am writing this at work and have tears in my eyes, He might as well have slept with a prostitute.

I never mention it as DH goes into one when I do, saying he has done ''nothing wrong''. He actually gets angry when I mention it.

It is destroying me. I have mild body dysmorphia. This is one of the worse things he could have done to me. I don't want to leave him.

Dismissive crap.

Oh, FGS. RTFT.

Nor mine, I can't think of anyone of know who wouldn't be seriously considering leaving.

You've been hung up about this lap dance for two years but you'd be OK watching your husband have sex with someone else?!

Blokes on stag do's act very differently than most do in real life. He probably got swept away on the whole thing and agreed to a lapdance. It's not like he visited on his own and didn't tell you about it. He came straight home and told you, and I bet he probably felt a bit embarrassed about it the next day.

I've been on hen do's and one bride-to-be ordered a Butler in the Buff. Is that much different? Should he husband leave her?

I think you need to address your body dysmorphia and confidence issues - this feels like it's just the tip of the iceberg. Look at it this way; he came straight home and told you because he probably thought you're sexually confident and cool with things like that. That obviously backfired but I'm sure he wouldn't have given the lapdancer a second thought if you didn't keep bringing it up. There's pretty, skinny girls everywhere. he's not with them, he's with YOU!

I did, love. I still think your first post was dismissive crap and some of your later ones aren't much better. HTH.

👍🏽

Trust your gut, it's telling you something.

If it's not a massive leap for him to assume that if you are up for a threesome then you would not mind if he had a lapdance. The fact that he told you about it right after it happened is quite revealing.
It is not great he's done this, but not the end of the world. Next time you could go together!

You don't just have body issues, you have huge pick-me issues.

Honestly, volunteering for a threesome to shoe him how cool you are is embarrassing and frankly of you mentioned it before his lapdance and then shot him down for it and still expect him to talk about bedroom antics with you, you are living in fairyland.

After 2 years if this, I'm surprised he isn't thinking about leaving you.

Make peace with it or move on without him.

You are self-sabotaging so he will leave you and you can blame yourself and prove yourself right as unlovable.

Pretty sure you have posted about this before.

Either that or (which is what I was thinking) there are a lot of married men who do this!

I kind of hope it's the former.

See, I think you'd benefit from therapy just because it's a space where you can think about what you want - including whether you want to stay with a man who is prepared to pay for a woman to arouse him and insists that there's nothing wrong with that.

As an aside, I can't help wondering if you told him you'd have a threesome if he wanted one because you suspected he might be unfaithful and felt that a threesome involving you would be the least worst scenario in which he slept with someone else.

@IHate your username says it all.

This relationship is over. It's done already, it's just a matter of how long you are going to let yourself suffer.

' I would hate it if my husband did this. '

How do you know he didn't.

Imaging a guy divorcing his wife because there was a stripper at a hen do

If its a habit then i could see the concern but never ever get real.

My thoughts exactly… if you can’t get over a lap dance, I really don’t think you should try a threesome

The issue is yours you have body issues which you are blaming him for so are being totally irrational about. Get yourself into therapy before you end up old and lonely.

I second the suggestion of seeking therapy NOT because you are angry about him getting a private lapdance 2 years ago BUT because it still has the power to reduce you to tears.

It's finding out why it makes you cry - as opposed to "just" making you livid that is the issue. If you can resolve this I think you would be better able to deal with it.

Sadly you have realised that a betrayal may never go away and will linger as a deep wound in the heart and something your mind can retrieve at any time to rake over, again and again.

i would have dumped him immediately but you chose to give him another chance.

Sadly that chance has had zero consequences for him but for you it has festered like a boil that never comes to a head.

It’s time enough now to realise that you either have to finish the relationship and get your sanity, dignity and self respect back or you seek some kind of counselling to try and quell the discord within your mind while he gets off scot free.

"Angry mode" and rumination are not signs of good mental health.

While I certainly don't condone the lap dance, I'm not sure it's really the source of the problem here.

I completely agree with this.

My heart sank at the threesome offer he doesn't even want, and sank a bit further as OP spoke about her desperate need for validation from a seemingly repressed man (well, not so repressed he won't buy sexual favours).

If it’s destroying you, leave him.

I wouldn’t be with someone that thinks nothing of objectifying women in this way. But then, I like decent men.

If you don’t want to leave him, you need to accept him for what he is and move on.

I’d feel the same OP. A private dance is a red line for me and my DH knows it.
I know he’s been in strip clubs on stag dos and there’s been strippers at stag events etc but paying someone to arouse you privately is very different in my book.

This is absolutely cheating. Period point blank. If my wife did this if would be over without a second thought.

Gently I think you need to think about why it upsets you so much. Ok so she may have been attractive… he also finds you attractive. And he’s with you. It’s just a body he didn’t declare undying love for her.

Also I have a friend who is a stripper (my husbands best mate’s partner) while she is gorgeous many of her colleagues are, let’s say unconventional looking. There are large strippers, old strippers, many are mothers, many are unhealthy. As many stunning strippers in the world exist so do normal looking ones.

If you don’t want to leave him then you have to get over it. Agree with above to get some therapy. Or go to a strip club yourself.