Ever since DH went for a private lap dance I can't stop feeling ugly & disgusted by my body

[Cheesseandchess]

It happened over a year ago. He told me he had been. I was beyond upset. This is not a post about the rights/wrongs of lap dancing clubs. He went. I can't change that fact. This is about how I have been left to feel ugly and disgusted over my body, because of it. I already had huge insecurities and possibly some form of body dismorphia over the way I looked. I thought I had got over the lap dance and how it has left me feeling ... but I haven't.
Unless I become a size 8 goddess over night, I will never get over how I have been left to feel
I feel he deserves someone better looking than me, slimmer than me, not as boring as me. How can he possibly want me after having a stunner in his face.

This is about you not him. What help are you getting to help with your image?

Reframe it.

You deserve a husband who isn't a sleazy, exploitative creep.

You should feel disgusted with his behaviour, not with yourself.

I’d be disgusted by his body.

So disgusted, in fact, I’d have to tell him to put himself out of the front door, and stay out.

Gross.

He’s betrayed your trust and engaged in a sex act with another woman. It’s not you, it’s the gross fool you married.

The focus should be on his failure as a partner.

You should be disgusted by his body, the one belonging to the sleaze.

The chances are she probably wasn’t a stunner and most men actually prefer curvy more fuller figured women.

However, that’s just to show you that it’s your feelings about yourself and not the reality that’s effecting you.

Id make an action plan of how to
improve your confidence:
Perhaps download some CBT worksheets to help reframe your mindset to positivity
Use your body for something you enjoy doing - I love to dance and am so grateful to my body that it dances for me!
Write some affirmations and stick them up and repeat daily.

Put your energy into being disgusted with your husband. How could he do that to you? Urgh that would give me the ick.

100 this. Yes I know this isn’t about the rights and wrongs of lap dancing clubs, but it’s also an issue you can’t avoid in a post like this.
Im all for women making their own choices (so if they choose to be lap dancers because they enjoy it, then good for them) but that doesn’t change the fact that the type of men who visit these clubs are sleazy and view the women as no more than a piece of meat.
The only insecurities you should have are about the kind of man he is. It’s also a betrayal, he paid a semi naked woman to dance and gyrate over him.
He doesn’t deserve you

Go on a date with a young hot man and snog him.

Literally this. I’d have zero scruples if my man did this to me. If he cheats, cheat right back. And make it worse. Every. Time.

Yeah me too. Not joking either. I’ve had
offers. Fuck him.

That’s how it would strike me. No reframing needed.

YOU deserve something better than a sleazy git like HIM.

You're beating yourself up because you can't move past the betrayal of trust. You may well feel like you don't measure up but the reality is it's HIM who's been weighed and measured and found wanting ...

I agree you need to reframe this.

He is repulsive not you. He doesn’t deserve a loyal, decent partner or a nice family.

What has he said and done since you told him how upset you are?

Loyalty, integrity and caring for your family are great qualities. Sleazing around strip joints in your dirty grey anorak isn’t cool or attractive. So try and reframe this - it may mean you stop loving your spouse slowly over time. But he made a choice and that may be his consequence. But your priority is you, he doesn’t put you first - so you must. Work on loving yourself and I hope you find peace and happiness.

I am sorry he is an arsehole.

Exactly this.

Yup. A cheater automatically gives you a pass to do whatever the hell you want, you get some good action and the cheater gets a dose of their own medicine. Scores are even, result.

I fear this will destroy me.. the way I've been left to feel. The thoughts and images I have in my head of what he did. What he saw. I can't give him that. He clearly wants a gorgeous sexy younger woman. He never ever talks about sex at home. He is far too embarrassed, even I mention periods he is embarrassed. Always has been. He never wants me to put on sexy undies, never has done.

There is a book called ‘Cheating in a Nutshell- what infidelity does to the victim’ by Wayne and Tamara Mitchell. It explains the feelings you may be going through.

I see paying for a human to gyrate on you as cheating - others may disagree and that is up to them. I wonder if you are getting the same feelings as a betrayed spouse? Can you access a counsellor - EDMR for intrusive thoughts?

What the hell are you doing with him?! 😂 Either cheat back or leave him, he doesn’t sound like much of a catch, what makes him so special that you’d want him and him alone?

He might as well have slept with someone else, that's on the same level as far as I'm concerned. He was my absolute world. I feel like a disgusting piece of crap that should just be thrown to the side. I can't compete with what he saw/had. He won't discuss it what so ever. He is clear on that. It was over a year ago, I'm not going to keep bringing it up. I feel like i will never get over how I now perceive myself/ have been left to feel

@melania90 we have 25 years married, 3 DC, a life times of history doing amazing things and memories. we travelled the world together.

Why on earth should you have to get over it? He's a disgusting, misogynistic creep. Dump him like the rubbish he is.

Leave him. I imagine his attitude to sex has ground you down and ruined your self esteem over the years, and this is the final nail in the coffin.

There’s a man out there who doesn’t have weird hang-ups and a Madonna/whore complex, who will cherish and adore you and celebrate your body, because it’s yours.

Go get him.