I cannot stop thinking about the private lapdance my DH had

[Fondantfancybutnotthepinkone]

It was around 2 years ago. I don't think about it every day, but if something comes on the tv e.g. a film with a lapdance club/stripper then I go into angry mode. I also have random thoughts about it and get upset. During these times I have to move away from DH, I usually only get angry/upset if he is with me when I start thinking about it.

He had a potentially gorgeously slim woman, presumably in sexy undies which would have come off, wrangling round in front of him. I am writing this at work and have tears in my eyes, He might as well have slept with a prostitute.

I never mention it as DH goes into one when I do, saying he has done ''nothing wrong''. He actually gets angry when I mention it.

It is destroying me. I have mild body dysmorphia. This is one of the worse things he could have done to me. I don't want to leave him.

Your gut is saying this is a dealbreaker for you.

Some people are okay with strip clubs other are not. Both views are acceptable. All that matters is how you feel about it.

Your husband clearly thinks consent can be bought. I had an acquaintance who was a stripper and she thought the men were really grim, she would laugh at how pathetic they were. She earnt well and that was her focus.

What is keeping you in the relationship?

Have you read ‘cheating in a nutshell’ ? it may help you articulate how you feel and why you feel that way.

If you won £1000000 today - would you leave him immediately or run home to share it with him and plan the trip of a lifetime?

What a load of misogynistic bollocks.

OP, your reaction is perfectly normal. Your husband was unfaithful, with the added issue of him being a person who pays for sexual services. To add further insult to injury, he gaslights you and becomes aggressive when you attempt to speak about what he did.

It doesn't really sound like there's much to be done if he isn't sorry and won't make any attempts to engage with you to resolve the problems in your marriage. What are your hopes for the future with regards to your marriage? How does this align with the reality of the situation? Is it within your control to make your hopes a reality? Or can your hopes only be realised if your husband fundamentally changes himself?

She made the choice to stay. She says it’s ‘destroying her’ and still doesn’t want to leave. She needs therapy.

This is what I am wondering op.

I still think it's wrong of him to dismiss your upset about it regardless of how he got himself in that situation, but there probably is a difference between, say, a night out at the cub with the lads (grim anyway once in committed relationships) and bowling up by himself to pay for it.

The latter would be a categoric crossing of a line for me.

The former, well,... possibly as well if I'm honest, but I'd be prepared to listen to how it played out.

Please don't listen to the pp saying this is a "you" problem: it isn't. Lots of us would feel the same.

This would be grounds for divorce for me.

Some people may think that's extreme. But that's my boundaries. And I am entitled to have them.

Your feelings are valid. And he's telling you he's "done nothing wrong" which is gaslighting you into thinking you're being unreasonable and you need to stay in this relationship. You don't. If it's eating you upside you do not need to carry on. Life is too short.

If you don't want to leave him, I suggest marriage counselling and see how it works out.

Yeah...having this reaction for the rest of your life isn't going to work. You either need to properly forgive him, and, from the sounds of it not expect any kind of apology. Go to some kind of couple counselling to see if you can get closure..or leave.

I think what would get me is the lack of acknowledgement of how much it hurt you.

And just the once? Yes...of course....

Please highlight the misogynistic bollocks.

You think it’s perfectly normal to accept something that’s ’destroying you’, stay with someone for years afterwards and still have attacks of rage and tears? That doesn’t warrant therapy? Soothing words on MN will be more helpful?

Okey dokey.

It would be the end of my relationship OP.
It is cheating. He paid for sexual experience with a naked woman.

If he genuinely thinks he has done nothing wrong then he obviously did not understand the vows he took with you when he married you. He obviously does not understand that a monogamous relationship doesn't include paying for sexual gratification from other women.

I would very much doubt this is the only time he has had a lap dance or visited a club where naked women perform for men's entertainment.

I'm so sorry OP.that you are married to a misogynist who has no respect for you or your marriage.

Your issue is the fact he thinks and says he's "done nothing wrong". That suggests he doesn't care how you feel, and that he has no respect for your relationship, or women in general.

You are right to be upset, I'd feel exactly the same as you.

Of course it’s a normal reaction, whether it’s 2 years or 10 years. It obviously hurt the OP enormously. I wouldn’t be able to get over it if this were me.

Well how do you know whether it’s his only time or does it regularly from what the OP wrote?

there is a lack of context here. I don’t condone it either way but the lap dance is secondary to him going to the club in the first place. Was it a group event for a stag do? did he turn up alone? Did he tell the OP or did someone else tell her? Maybe the whole thing was immensely awkward for her husband and he was embarrassed which is why he doesn’t want to talk about it. Or maybe not. There is a lot of missing info

I get objecting to the patronising of strip clubs (in which case, leave him and be done with it)

I simply do not agree that staying with someone and torturing yourself for years is normal healthy behaviour. She clearly needs therapy.

And, honestly, I’m not going to repeat myself again.

What is the context OP?

Was this on his Stag-Do?
Someone else's Stag-Do?

Or did he and his mate just randomly go out one night and go to a lap-dancing club?

Was it his choice to have one or did he feel pressured to have one? (although I know he still could have said no)

Did he tell you about it straight away?
Why did he tell you?
Did you find out from someone else?

Was he laughing it off as being something embarrassing that he did? Or was he telling you he enjoyed it? Was he contrite or just acting like it was no big deal?

Has it been a case of you making our you're fine about it (or that you've forgiven him), but actually you've never been able to?

It seems odd to still be this angry/upset over something that happened two years ago.

As many people have said, you either need to find way to move on from it or leave him. You can't keep living like this as it's not fair on either of you.

So you get why she might have objections to strip clubs generally but its a "what exactly?" from you when it comes to her own DH and her own relationship?

You don’t need to repeat yourself I understood perfectly the first time. It’s the part where you said ‘your reaction is not normal’ that I took issue with.

You clearly did not. Her reaction was to stay with him and torture herself for years while it ‘destroys her’. No, that is not normal. You’re free to take issue with that as much as you like.

Women never forget what it is They’ve forgiven.

This happened two years ago, but it’s still weighing heavily on you to point of ‘destroying you’. That sounds like LTB territory to me. Staying, particularly when he’s not sorry (and whether he should be or not is a separate point really, the fact is he isn’t sorry - you feel the way you feel, and those feelings are valid) is clearly affecting your mental health. If you really want to stay you need to find a way to work on this - couples therapy, or go on your own.

in which case, leave him and be done with it

I think you might be a person who takes things more literally than they are meant.

OP means she is still struggling to not feel haunted by it, even though she may initially have intended to put it behind her. Literally destroying her would be something else, but it's used here as an idiomatic expression.

Ah, I see. I’d misunderstood the intentions in your post then. My apologies. You are saying, if I nlw understand correctly, that she needs therapy to work out why she hasn’t left him, and then do so. I had read your post to mean that she needs therapy to discover what’s wrong with her for not forgiving him.

It's a marriage, not an unsatisfactory gym subscription.

It's far more normal that she might agonise over the ins and outs of that course than just "be done with it."

I’m a person who reads the post and responds accordingly. From her phrasing and use of language, OP was very clearly being literal.

I also have random thoughts about it and get upset. During these times I have to move away from DH, I usually only get angry/upset if he is with me when I start thinking about it…I am writing this at work and have tears in my eyes, He might as well have slept with a prostitute…It is destroying me. I have mild body dysmorphia. This is one of the worse things he could have done to me.

No worries!

Leave him. Let him pay for his sad little
lap dances as a single man, hopefully paying you lots of maintenance. Wanker.