I cannot stop thinking about the private lapdance my DH had

[Fondantfancybutnotthepinkone]

It was around 2 years ago. I don't think about it every day, but if something comes on the tv e.g. a film with a lapdance club/stripper then I go into angry mode. I also have random thoughts about it and get upset. During these times I have to move away from DH, I usually only get angry/upset if he is with me when I start thinking about it.

He had a potentially gorgeously slim woman, presumably in sexy undies which would have come off, wrangling round in front of him. I am writing this at work and have tears in my eyes, He might as well have slept with a prostitute.

I never mention it as DH goes into one when I do, saying he has done ''nothing wrong''. He actually gets angry when I mention it.

It is destroying me. I have mild body dysmorphia. This is one of the worse things he could have done to me. I don't want to leave him.

Your problem @Fondantfancybutnotthepinkone is that your objection to the lap dance is about your husband being attracted to the stripper, and your concern that he is not sufficiently attracted to you.

Your objection should be about your husband's attitude to women. Why do the Pick Me dance for such a man? Have some self respect.

If you can't leave him, you're going to have to grit your teeth and face him getting angry about talking to him about it. Tell him what you need to say and have him accept it, otherwise you just have to accept feeling like this. Your feelings matter. (And I would feel the same, but that's beside the point).

I would leave my husband if he went to a strip club. She has explained why it's a big issue for her.

I truly appreciate how hurt OP is, I would struggle with a range of emotions including anger and betrayal.
But it isn't always as easy as it sounds to leave a relationship.
Husband needs to acknowledge how you feel and some truthful discussions need to be had.

So very sorry. Men are so different and he would not have compared you in any way at all. My late husband had a 'corporate' night out soon after we had married in 1985, it was a place called 'School Dinners'. I found a polaroid photo of him later that week hidden in his drawer, he was sitting in a chair surrounded by women dressed as school girls and he had cream all over his face. I thought about it and without letting him know, destroyed the photo and decided never to tell him.

Thanks ☺️

You can't forgive him even though you've tried. That's reasonable, I'd not be alright if my husband did that. Think it's best to leave him and get therapy for the mental and emotional impact this has had on you.

Just googled and amazingly it is still there.

It did come across that way.

Not everyone finds it easy to just call time on a marriage. I presume op is here because she is, in fact, trying to contemplate what that might look like.

I would also leave my husband if he went to a strip club, because of what it would mean about his attitude to women.

The OP's real problem is her attitude to herself - it's not healthy to eat yourself up because your partner sometimes finds other people attractive.

I would be very pissed off too. I’m pretty sure if you had some man’s cock dangling in your face, he would find it hard to forgive and forget.

If it’s any consolation, I had a few stripper friends during uni. They would laugh at the sad men and said how all they thought about was the money during the lap dances. It’s unlikely they had any sexual thoughts towards your DH.

I used to be a bit of a pushover but since getting older (late twenties), I do not put up with any shit. I have high boundaries regarding sexualising other woman. If they had been to the strippers, they would be out the door. Same with liking provocative photos on social media.

Do not let him gaslight you. It’s not acceptable for a married man to have another woman’s fanny grinding on his crotch.

I would feel the same for lots of reasons, I hate everything like that. Your reaction shows you can’t move on from it though. You can’t continue like this for your own sake and he can’t keep being punished for something forever.
It would help if he was actually sorry and regretful but he never will be

You absolutely don’t have to forgive him. Particularly as he doesn’t think he’s done anything worthy of forgiveness.

This would also be a deal breaker for me. Let alone the fact he blames you for having any emotions towards it. I couldn't be with such a pig of a man. I'm sorry op

I would leave or He would either need to seek therapy and want to change for himself for even a chance to rescue the relationship. But I doubt he would be up for that as he clearly sees nothing wrong with it.

Maybe he’s super embarrassed about it. Maybe he doesn’t want to talk about it as he’s upset with himself. Maybe he found the whole thing mortifying.

how have we any idea with simply the scant info the OP has given.

I don’t understand why you are still with him.

Agreed.

OP, might be time for something drastic.

Why don't you go to male strip club as a way to cauterise this wound?

Tell your DH you're going and if he objects, have that row you need to have.

How did you find out about it? And would you feel any better if he acknowledged that he did something wrong and apologised for hurting you? Has he promised not to do it again?

That's really good and encouraging though, that your son has that understanding of the seediness of it all.

@AnneLovesGilbertmade an excellent point upthread.

getting a lap dance unpaid for by a different lady would be utterly unacceptable in a marriage, so why on earth does paying for it make it acceptable?!? It makes it worse.

men have gaslit women for centuries on this. We’ve fallen for it in an effort to be cool. A lap dance isnt ever acceptable (unless you’ve both agreed and want to be in an open relationship and are somehow ok with the buying of women’s bodies).

Shame needs to switch sides.

Yes, this. Either find a way to forgive him or step away from the relationship.

I assume you were a couple when he had the lap dance.

YANBU to find the idea of him paying for a private dance repellent. I’d hate this too. The fact is that you either need to get past this, or leave him.

It would be perfectly reasonable to leave him, if it’s a dealbreaker for you. But what isn’t reasonable is to stay with him and keep bringing it up and dwelling on it. That’s unhealthy.

It can’t be undone. No amount of crying and arguing is going to change what happened.

I also think you need to separate this from your own body confidence issues. The fact that a stripper might have been young and slim is neither here nor there. It was a betrayal regardless. I wouldn’t be happy about my partner getting a lap dance, but not because of the dancer’s appearance - simply because I’d consider a private dance to be cheating.

From the information you’ve given here, your husband doesn’t sound like a nice man at all. The fact that he doesn’t accept he did anything wrong and (I assume) hasn’t apologised is pretty shit of him. What is your marriage like apart from that? Had you discussed boundaries like this before he had the lap dance?

There are really only two options here:

• you decide this is too much of a line crossed for you, and you divorce.
• you stay together but stop using it as a stick to beat him with.

Staying in the marriage and continually dragging it up and fighting about it is extremely unhealthy.

If you want to stay with him, it sounds like you'll need therapy to help you move past this.

I’ve been there. Took me a long time to get over it. Over 3 years to stop being angry and bringing it up in scenarios as you describe but it never left me truly. I only got over it as I fell out of love with him anyway

Btw he went on to repeat it twice over a number of years I later found out. The first time He was apologetic and I made it clear he accepted it was crossing a line, so I imagine if your dh is angry anyway it’ll happen again given the oppurtunitg