I cannot stop thinking about the private lapdance my DH had

[Fondantfancybutnotthepinkone]

It was around 2 years ago. I don't think about it every day, but if something comes on the tv e.g. a film with a lapdance club/stripper then I go into angry mode. I also have random thoughts about it and get upset. During these times I have to move away from DH, I usually only get angry/upset if he is with me when I start thinking about it.

He had a potentially gorgeously slim woman, presumably in sexy undies which would have come off, wrangling round in front of him. I am writing this at work and have tears in my eyes, He might as well have slept with a prostitute.

I never mention it as DH goes into one when I do, saying he has done ''nothing wrong''. He actually gets angry when I mention it.

It is destroying me. I have mild body dysmorphia. This is one of the worse things he could have done to me. I don't want to leave him.

I don’t agree with exploitation of women so would be angry with dh from that perspective. Rather than a cheating/better looking perspective.
it seems like you are stuck in your anger and you and your dh have not resolved it one way or another. He seems to feel it’s done and forgotten so he’s not engaging in it.
You have a few options-
1, leave him and move on
2, insist he talks it through
3, couples therapy to move forward
4, therapy for yourself to work through it and decide what you want to do

it’s not going away by its self do you need to deal with it.

No the lapdance her hubby had is whats not normal.

But again, you are reading too much into what the OP says. You don’t have his side

we have no idea of he is a nice man at all. All we know is he went (so idea why), had a lapdance (grim) and the OP found out. (Was he honest or did she find out from other people and he was not going to tell her).

for all we know he explained it all in detail at the time and apologised. The OP said she forgave him. Then she keeps bringing it up over and over again and he has got to the point where he’s fed up with it as no matter what he says she won’t move on.

I’m not defending him but the OP has to come back and fill in further context. Could I forgive my husband if he did it- no idea. It certainly would be immensely out of character but I’d want to get to the bottom of the whole situation before I jumped into divorce proceedings!

I know I went to a hen do with a male stripper once and he came into the audience and go pretty close to the women (not close enough t to touch though- all hands off but let’s just say I saw way more of him that I had imagined). I was honestly mortified. Literally I was possibly the most uncomfortable I have ever been in my life. But it was my friend’s hen do- I couldn’t walk out, I was just stuck trying to get to the back as much as possible. Can’t, obviously wipe the image from my eyes though. Grim honestly but thankfully not marriage ending.

I'll go out and say that I think not only is this as bad as cheating, but also, a much wider red flag regarding how your partner supports purchasing women and sex.

He paid for a woman to dance mostly naked on his lap. He didn't do this for art appreciation, or giggles. He did this for sexual gratification.

Not sure why other people see anything short of their male partner sticking their dingdong in someone, as 'not cheating'.

In short OP: I'm so sorry. I'd be as cut up about this as you, too. And it sounds like you're being gaslighted into believing that you're overreacting.

I'm very body confident, and know my husband thinks I'm stunning, but this would kill me. I couldn't bare the thought of someone's boobs and bum in his face, and him maybe having an erection, and maybe wanking that night thinking about it. Nope. Porn, I'm OK with, but a lap dance is way too intimate. It's also something I can't do for him (as I'd look like an utter twat) and I'd be seething with jealousy that some other woman could.
Luckily my husband thinks lap dances and strip clubs are naff and is baffled about the appeal (and no, he's not saying that for my benefit).

Receiving a lap dance would count as cheating for me. I'd be ending the relationship.

Either forgive him or leave him. It sounds as though you can't forgive him so you know what to do.

Her reaction is totally normal, yours is not. This is so sad, he did do something wrong because your not happy about it. If you were then fine each to the own. The majority of women would not be happy with this situation. Me included

To confirm:

Dh was on a stag do when we went, not his stag do

He was nor pressured into it that I Know of. from what I have been told, not all the lads who were there went to the club or had a private dance

He told me about it as soon as he got home. He seemed very eager and smiley when he told me. To add some context here - I am very open about sex. I have told Dh I would have a 3some if he really wanted it. he has never mentioned it or said he wanted it, but I once put it out there many years ago. We have only ever had sex just us since we met. He is very shy about sex and seemingly not that bothered about it (once every 2 months seems to be ok for him), he NEVER talks about sex. To me, he seems embarrassed after we have had sex. He never states what he wants to happen in bed (positions etc).

I want him to be remorseful for what he did. Not forever remorseful but at least show some, once. I want to lash out at him (not physically) to show him how hurt and destroyed I was/still am. I want him to want me, he never shows this (see above for sex shyness ?) yet he will go to a club for a dance ? he never asks me to wear sexy undies or notices when I do or comments when I do .. yet he will go to a club for a dance ?

Yes I have huge body image issues. This is the worse thing he could have done to me with regards to that. In my mind, he would be forever comparing me to what he saw - and I am certainly no comparison (in my mind). To add, he def doesn't have a strippers body. To also add, in the past people have told me his is punching and I am out of his league (I don't see it myself).

I would go to a male strip club just out of tit-for-tat but no friends would go with me and I am not that interested in a male stripper.

I would never forgive my DH if he did this and I’d never get over it - even if he was filled with remorse (which your DH isn’t). I’m not sure if it would end the relationship but it would change it forever.

I know you don’t want to split but how can you stay with him in these circumstances? He did something you (and I, and many others) consider to be unacceptable and he doesn’t really care to understand the awfulness of what he’s done and try to make it right (or at least a bit better). Nope.

‘We have no idea of this is a nice man at all’ @BananaPeels

we do know that this isn’t a nice man at all. He cheated on his wife and bought another woman’s body for his own personal gratification and gets angry if his wife dare raise it.

It would be cheating for me and I wouldn't personally put up with it.

Would men be happy if they came home from work and a naked man was writhing around on top of their wife? Just because us women have been brain washed to accept this because it's in a 'club' doesn't make it ok.

Men expressly do this to be turned on by another woman, intentionally. Mind boggles how anyone thinks this is ok.

I have told Dh I would have a 3some if he really wanted it.

You what, OP? With another man or another woman?

Quite a drip feed. Maybe he thought you would be happy he got a lap dance.

Given her husband's lack of remorse, her reaction isn't unusual.

So OP sounds like a bit of mixed messaging perhaps? Sounds like maybe some miscommunication at the time about where your tolerance line was? He was open and honest about it and blindsided perhaps that you were bothered.

sounds a lot like you both are on completely different pages and need some counselling honestly to see if you can work through it. The lapdance seems only one part of the complex puzzle of your relationship.

No she doesn’t. She needs a partner who doesn’t cheat.

the OP has said she to him she’s happy to have him effectively cheat on her with her present!

She went ahead with it? Jesus. Someone who does that doesn’t love you.

Your second post is deeply deeply sad op.

it says ‘I have absolutely no sense of self worth at all, and my entire sense of purpose lies in my husband wanting me’

stop thinking about whether he wants you or not and start thinking about whether you want him!

as the first poster said ‘get therapy’. Not to save your marriage, but the opposite, to discover why on Earth you are desperate for this repulsive man who treats you like shit to like you. Get your self worth back, dump him, and then start enjoying your life. Because you never will whilst you stay with him.

Scrote behaviour from him for having a lap dance to start with. Shut the door on the way out Joe.

Look at the bigger picture. Does this sort of thing still happen? How does he treat you normally? You can't just dwell on one thing. You need help about your dismorphia and need to either move out or move on depending on how happy you are with him. If he is a good father and husband, it was a one off laugh. If not, change it.

I have to say, this doesn't sound like a very emotionally healthy relationship.

Hmm it’s a tricky one.
How did he end up there?
My DH had one before we were together, his brother got him it when he was about 18! He said he enjoyed it!

He is now 36 and married to me and although I wouldn’t be annoyed about him going to a strip club where the dancing isn’t just for him, I wouldn’t be happy with a private dance… he can get that from me!

To me it’s a form of cheating to have a naked woman gyrating on your lap!

Hmm have just read this… sounds like he’s confused as to what you’re allowing tbh!!

I’d leave a partner for this and for his reaction about it afterwards. He sounds like an arrogant toad.