I cannot stop thinking about the private lapdance my DH had

[Fondantfancybutnotthepinkone]

It was around 2 years ago. I don't think about it every day, but if something comes on the tv e.g. a film with a lapdance club/stripper then I go into angry mode. I also have random thoughts about it and get upset. During these times I have to move away from DH, I usually only get angry/upset if he is with me when I start thinking about it.

He had a potentially gorgeously slim woman, presumably in sexy undies which would have come off, wrangling round in front of him. I am writing this at work and have tears in my eyes, He might as well have slept with a prostitute.

I never mention it as DH goes into one when I do, saying he has done ''nothing wrong''. He actually gets angry when I mention it.

It is destroying me. I have mild body dysmorphia. This is one of the worse things he could have done to me. I don't want to leave him.

I think you need therapy. You’re crying about a lap dance your husband got two years ago because…what exactly? I get objecting to the patronising of strip clubs (in which case, leave him and be done with it), but your reaction is not normal.

Sounds like he crossed a line and you can't forgive him which is perfectly reasonable, especially if he's not contrite or apologetic about it all. Do you want to end your relationship? It doesn't sound as though you are happy, and he's clearly not invested in trying to fix things.

If you consider this so egregious, and you can't let it go after 2 years, why wouldn't you leave him?

I understand how upsetting this is - I would hate it if my husband did this. It was two years ago though - anything over 6 months old you either need to find a way to move forward or you part ways. It isn’t healthy for either of you. Is it something you want to move past? If so I agree with PP regarding seeking some support. If you cannot move past this, it may be time to reassess.

you haven't forgiven him, and that's okay. You don't need to forgive him, this may be a firm line in the sand for you and he crossed it unapologetically. You are allowed to have and maintain your boundaries and you don't need to forgive.

That being said, why stay with him?

I think her reaction is perfectly normal. I would be livid. That said I’m not sure I could stay in a relationship if my husband did that. And I wouldn’t accept the argument of he’s done ‘nothing wrong’.

I wouldn't be able to get over this either. I consider it a form of cheating. Why don't you want to leave him? There isn't anything that's going to make you feel better or get over it.

What did your husband say about it before he started to get angry at you mentioning it? Is he angry because he genuinely thinks he did nothing wrong or because he’d just rather forget about it, not thst you shouldn’t question it?
my DS has a Kai dance a few weeks ago, he’s single so no partner to abd we to, but he hated it. Scheme said it’s the most uncomfortable he has ever felt in his life. He was ashamed and couldn’t stop thinking about the woman being trafficked, thst she really hated him. The reason he mentioned it was he felt ashamed and needed someone to talk it through with. We had a full conversation about it, sorted it out in his head and he’s comfortable that he’ll never do it again, regardless of peer pressure. I know he’ll get angry if I ever mention it again, as it would bring those feelings of shame back up.

it really is a grim action in his part. Thst said, your DH needed to accept he has upset you abd allow you to speak about it, even if it raises feelings if Shane in him.

Of course he's done something wrong, if you didn't talk about it together first and discuss whether it crossed a line in your marriage or not.
I would suggest therapy and perhaps marriage counselling and then decide what to do.

Just to add, in my circle of friends it wouldn't be considered unreasonable to leave someone over a lap dance. Just in case you're surrounded by people who think it's normal and harmless, wanted to offer a different perspective.

So many typos, I’m on my phone, sorry!

Agree, my friend almost cancelled her wedding over it and everyone who talked about it with her saw her point.

Same and your reaction is completely normal op. In fact his reaction of arrogance to make you feel it’s not a big deal is the problem here.

Why wouldn’t you leave him? He’s hurt you massively, you’re still very affected by it two years later and he refuses to take any responsibility for it. Most people would be upset by it, it’s cheating.

If he hadn’t paid her and got a naked colleague to dance all over him you’d surely have left him? This is even worse because of the power imbalance and the fact he paid a woman for the use of her body. That’s just rank.

I don’t think you’ll find a way to accept it, I couldn’t.

It’s bad enough that he had the dance but he is not even try to make it right (not that he could make it right for me). Your feelings are valid OP however, you need to decide what you’re going to do with them.

I would ask my DH to leave.

Not because it’s ‘another woman’ but when you go to strip clubs it’s another step to pay for a private dance. This shows he see’s woman as objects to pay for as commodities for his amusement.
Our values would not be aligned and this would be a line in the sand.

This isn’t fair because it’s putting the blame on the op.
what your husband did would have been a complete deal breaker for me.
how he is blaming you now for your feelings and dismissing you would be a complete deal breaker for me.
for him to be anything other than mortified and ashamed would be a complete deal breaker for me.

in short, I would have left him two years ago. He wouldn’t be good enough for me.

if I couldn’t leave due to kids/finances, I would have ‘left’ emotionally.

This would be a red line for me and the relationship would be over.

It's obviously a red line for you too, so why have you allowed yourself to be browbeaten by someone who has decided you are being unreasonable?

I'd feel sick if this happened. He's minimising it so he can do as he wants, and is trying to gaslight you into thinking you're the unreasonable one.

But your gut knows. Trust your gut.

I think there are a few things here.

Yes he did something wrong.
Its been two years.
He isn’t apologetic.
You are still angry and crying about this two years later.
No it isn’t like sleeping with a prostitute.

Yes it was wrong and gross but let’s not catastrophise..

I wouldn’t say two years is normal to still be upset about it but have done nothing in the meantime - therapy, leaving him etc. Clearly this isn’t something you can get over and after two years sounds like you won’t. I think as others have said therapy would be a good idea.

Does he always shut you down when you try and express yourself? He did wrong and won’t accept responsibility. Why did he do it? Have you ever asked him?

So, when I was 18 I had a friend who worked as a dancer in a club. She did it because she enjoyed pole and podium dancing, and they money was good. She didn't particularly enjoy lap dancing, but did it as part of her job. She didn't take any of her clothes off. When she did private dances, she preferred to have a friend with her (apparently they called it a double dance - two women, two men).

I don't know of it helps, but ... everything about it sounds rather silly instead of sexy!

She wasn't exploited, or unusually attractive. Just a normal student, saving up for university. She'll have never thought about your partner again, and I doubt he thinks about it as much as you do, either.

I think you need to tell us/or simply work out for yourself why it is that you don’t want to leave him. Because from what you’ve written here, you’ve described a completely vile human being.

Sorry posted too soon.

i work in a very male dominated industry (for nearly 30 years) and in my experience, some men just don’t go to these clubs even with pressure from ‘mates’, some get swept up and go to strip clubs even though they don’t particularly want to but a minority go a step further within the club and pay for a private ‘dance’. These men in my experience are always the type that shag around and worse and have terrible views of women.

what was the context of this? How did he end up at club in The first place?

I would also be livid. I would not, however, be livid, stay with him for two years and have attacks of anger and tears where I couldn’t be near him, while claiming it was ‘destroying me’.