My boy is off to University and it's breaking my heart.

[Slinky987]

Our family is dissolving.

It's killing me.

@Nestingbirds you say if you had known how much they would be back you would have felt greatly comforted....

HOW did you not know this???? It is literally common knowledge.

I totally agree.

Why have you put that very personal letter on a public forum for everyone to see? Won't he mind?

I think for the people that can’t identify they aren’t reading your full situation. I think if you have moved to be near parents then you will have mentally persuaded yourself that home is where family is to get through the move therefore your son moving away has probably hit harder as you don’t have the safety net of community and a family home with comforting memories. Such a lot of change for you in a short space of time xx

Oh God, take that book and that embarrassing message out of his bag.

I genuinely can't understand your feelings.

'Family dissolving' ? A bit of an overreaction.

My DCs were away for a total of 7 years.

I was delighted to see them achieve going to great top 20 unis.

Your son is still your son, he's just going to be living a bit further away.

Surely you should be pleased for him?

You can keep in touch by phone, video, visit him, he can come home for a weekend if he wants to.....

Please don't let him see how you feel. It will make him feel guilty and prevent him from settling in and enjoy life.

This with bells on.

My dd left this term too for university. I miss her so very much.

But she’s having a great time thank goodness.

My eldest ds is still at home doing nothing. It’s really not good.

When my eldest first went I was so sad & that first term felt so long but those three years really sped by and now I have my eldest home again, job hunting!

My youngest will go soon and I don't feel as sad because I know how short the terms are & how often I will see her, especially in the first year.

It feels like the end of an era but it's not as much of an end as you think, it's really the beginning of the end of an era and you have time to gradually get used to it.

It's great to see them when they come home for the holidays & to hear about all the things they've been up to.

This

Of course it’s a wrench but to say your family is dissolving seems OTT.

Please take that bloody poem out of his bag.

It's cringy and it's all about YOU.

You'll make him feel terrible and the outcome may be he pulls away even more as he will feel suffocated by your intensity.

I read a thing on social media the other day that when you raise children, you’re raising someone you can’t live without to live without you.

The emotions are complicated. You’re proud, happy, grateful and also a bit sad because you’re going to miss them. It’s all fine op.

My mother-in-law used to say, you raise your children to leave you.
If he was clinging to mummy at this point, there would be something wrong!
And your family is not dissolving - it's evolving

I get it completely. School is a phase of life you are still a part of, they still need you for, and you see them every day. University is the first step to them not needing you any more (hopefully still wanting you of course!).

My oldest is 15 and contemplating residential 6th form colleges/schools, so it is already on my mind. I sometimes feel a little teary about her already...she's a very independent teen who won't even tolerate a hug. But it was only a couple of years ago that she still liked being read to at night and a kiss and a cuddle before bed! I can still remember how her hand felt to hold etc. I miss her and we still live together together!

But at the same time, she is such a source of amazement to me, she was home educated for years in primary as she was just too anxious to be away from us. So her development into this amazing young woman is lovely to watch.

Sadness is normal, telling him you've loved every s of being his mother is a gift. ❤️

We dropped DD off at uni last Saturday. I can honestly say it’s been one of the worst weeks of my life. It feels like grief. I too am not a cryer, but I’ve sobbed this week. I miss her terribly. I feel like a big bit of my life is over and I dont want it to be. I haven’t told her any of this obviously. Fine (and normal) to feel this way OP. And it should be be fine to come here and say it. But Mumsnet being what it is these days some of the responses are of course ridiculous.

My eldest went last year. My youngest went this year. Try and see it as a happy kind of sad. They’re healthy enough to move away, they have opportunities and the whole world is out there for them. The old ‘if you love someone, set them free’. It’s hard though. Keep busy, eat nice food, be kind to yourself.

Dissolving?

I know you are using the thread to sound off but even so, that is very ott.

that message is also ott and cringe.

When my DH went to uni his mum had a total breakdown. She’d dedicated her whole self to being a mum. He was the youngest and the last to go. It was awful for her but the burden on him was immense and the effects long lasting even today.

please seek some help.

@outofofficeagain much love to you. And you’re right, it is a privilege❤️

We all love our children, but if this affects you as much as you're saying, I'd suggest you invest in some counselling to work through it- this level of angst is not healthy.

How far away is he going to be? Surely you can visit now and then if he wants that or he may come home once a term.

Please don’t take this the wrong way but take the poetry book out. The message is too much about you and what you’re feeling.

be pleased you’ve done a good job. It’s your job to grow them up to let them go.

Here for you OP and all of you who have fledglings flying. I've got 2 years to go and already dreading it. It's the end of a beautiful chapter but the start of an exciting new one.

I think the key is to be proud and pat yourself on the back for a job well done but maybe also to look for something to fill the gap, volunteering, learning new skill, change of job etc.

Good luck!

He’s going off to uni… he’ll have a great time , OP!
now it’s time for YOU! Invest your time and energy in yourself! See friends more, gym and fitness classes, take up a hobby, spa days,all that stuff! @Slinky987

I get it op. When my son left for uni I was fine, felt very proud of myself and, if I’m honest, a teeny bit smug. The next day I dropped a full carton of milk on the kitchen floor and broke my heart.
Yup, I literally cried over spilt milk.

I think your response is healthier than mine was. Look after yourself.

You get used to the change very quickly.

And, TBH, most parents of 18 yr olds are already working, often full time.
They need to be to help with their uni fees!

Please don’t be that mother who won’t let her son lead his own life. My mum did this and destroyed my mental health and independence. I am off to see my son in his new uni today, look forward to meet ups and yes I feel sad when I see his room empty.

This has struck a chord with me! I was exactly the same, happy marriage, busy and fulfilling job, plenty of friends and interests - but wow! when my daughter (my only child) left home I found it so difficult and sad.

However many years later I see it in context of her having to establish her own identity away from the safe cocoon of home, and that requires separation and time to achieve that.

I'm so proud of her - she now has a family of her own and is thriving being a brilliant mum to her two boys.

You will never lose your boy, you have given him the foundation to become a well rounded man who will eventually thrive in his own life. But you are right to recognise these intense feelings rather than pushing them away. All will be well.